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Growing Hope - The Gratefulness Thread

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Re: Growing Hope - The Gratefulness Thread

Postby Sunnyg » Mon Mar 07, 2022 4:12 am

I’m Sunny and I’m a person living in recovery. I have lived experience of a serious mental health condition – including trauma, mental illness, and alcoholism. Today I’m working to share and focus on the portion of my story that relates to alcoholism and the 12 steps. I didn't start step work until last September.

I'm going to share my experience, strength, and hope. In full disclosure, today is the soberest I've been since I had my first drink in 1992, over 30 years ago, at the age of 15. I'm going to approach my story using a theory of the mind called - Internal Family Systems Therapy. If you're curious, then look it up on goodtherapy.org. It is an evidence-based approach for mental health that helps me process my trauma and alcohol recovery. When I talk about Self, this isn’t the “Self” described by a Freudian perspective or the origin of words and their roots in language – like self-seeking, self-improvement, self-serving, self-love, or language using self. I get into Self when I’m well regulated (a state of consciousness, where the ability to connect with God through our Godseed which resides in Self.) Being in Self is how I feel when I’m out on a long hike in nature with my dog where the mind stills and creativity blossoms. Or after a yoga class and forgetting thoughts that judge the people near me. It happens when I am present with others listening. Those are my favorite examples of being in Self. Walking through the door is the first part to beginning of the psychic change is necessary for a spiritual awakening to occur as a result of taking the 12 steps, which for me is part of a very long journey of self discovery. For me, the first changes happen in steps 1-3. The first three steps involved a spiritual movement to let go of my delusion that I can drink like everyone else. This act of releasing Parts (my alcoholic parts think of my manager, firefighter, and exile parts that believe I can drink like a “normie.”) These parts (the managers, firefighters, and exiles) may be similar to Freud's ego. As a lifelong learner, I like to understand and share the framework of theory I need to understand my recovery. But you can also just do the work, and you'll get there, too. This program of action has been working for almost a century. To understand the movement, I needed to explain how it worked in me.

Despite my illness, I've always tried and done my best. My daughter and I even won an award when I worked as a professor. They granted the lab challenge award for her grade school science project "Stuffed Animal Science," We measured her stuffed animals as an experiment.

I have not been a threat to myself or others. I was fortunate to live in *mod edit* , and relied on Uber or public transportation for about a decade of my drinking years. I've maintained my career and was privileged to have had many leaders (like CEOs, deans, and HR Directors), who I've worked for, treat me with compassion on my journey. I didn't hide my mental illness from work. I disclosed to work when I experienced extreme states of sickness, and leave for medical necessity over the years. It helped having a stepdad who was a retired * mod edit* attorney advise me over the years on managing my condition in the workplace. I've managed to work throughout my disability with accommodations of 1-6 weeks leave and other supports over the years in school and work. Work is the best medicine in my experience. I recognize the historical wisdom that this 12 step program is based on anonymity [tradition 12]. I hope more people will realize the illness of substance use disorder see my humanity and what makes me strong, rather than seeing only the defects I reacted to trying to ease them with my drinking. However, I also recognize the brilliance of ego deflation or working on letting go of our parts to return to Self and greater regulation.

If you can see someone's strengths, you can see their humanity. My top five strengths are Input and Communication; I'm an includer and arranger, which means I can do a lot with what I have, and I love winning others over (I'm a WOO). I highly recommend that anyone learn more about their strengths take the "Clifton Strengths finder test" on gallop.com. That helped me identify and remember more about myself and my strengths, and it helped me know who I am beyond my disease and work. I hope you'll see some of my strengths while sharing my story.

Step one "We are powerless over alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable." This first step remains the most challenging, insidiously tricky, and dangerous step for me if I fail to accept my experience. I have to remind myself every day to stay spiritually fit. My struggle with step one is partly due to my temperament. I tend to mismatch. I was a "strong-willed" child. As a *mod edit* teen, I prayed to God for an exciting life, and in my humble opinion, he granted my wish. My first lesson that I’ve learned from my higher power was to be careful what I wish for; because I'll probably get it.

Early in my illness, accepting that I had a mental illness was hard to swallow. Especially since the first signs of disease appeared in my postpartum period, I was drinking less than I had in most of my teens and twenties before motherhood, and I thought having a few lagers may help with breastfeeding. Then, I used alcohol as a type of medicine to numb my soul because I couldn't bear the pain of a trauma that happened... You'll notice that much of the focus is on my relationship with God and my relationship with myself. Most of my amends are living amends for me and my relationship with close contacts like my daughter and family.

By the time I went to my first 12-step meeting in *mod edit* , in June 2017, I had started to experience medical impacts from my alcohol use. The more I've been in these rooms, the more I see this as a deadly illness. By seeing others' struggles, you all remind me of my need to stay honest, sober, and show the seriousness of this condition.

I grew up in *mod edit* but moved to the east coast – to be in *mod edit* to "follow my heart" and escape the embarrassment of my alcoholic behavior in my early 20's. I was a type 2, 3, 4, and a little bit of a 5 version of an alcoholic. (According to the Big Book in the Doctor's Opinion section [ In the Roman numeral section ])

After college years in *mod edit* , I moved to *mod edit* to live with my high school sweetheart from *mod edit*, one of the most intelligent people I've ever known. He and I would become drinking buddies – I'm grateful to that relationship because it cured me of my abandonment issues – When I was a youth, my dad had run off with his secretary to become a sea captain. My mom had married my dad's best friend when I was about 10. My daughter’s father wooed me out to *mod edit* in 1999 with gifts and attention, and he never would have left. Had it not been for what I call an “act of God” on Friday May 13, 2011.

Back to my early drinking, my buddy recommended I brush off my embarrassing drinking story at school by referring anyone who asked: "to the tale of Lady Godiva."
I was Grateful that nobody ever asked.

But, thinking I could hide my illness behind a smart, quirky, one-liner did not support mental, physical, and spiritual growth. My condition festered without the right conditions to grow along spiritual lines. Although later in life, I'd get tired of telling my story sadly and long to relate a funnier side of my traumatic origin story. I had my last drink, the setup punch, which happened on Friday, September 3, 2021, at the *mod edit* . The perfect name for a pineapple rum drink to follow it with steady and healthy sobriety.

I'd been a manic drinker in my 20's and had an embarrassing event in front of the entire school student government drinking rum and coke. Then promptly moved to *mod edit* after graduation to avoid dealing with my issue. That event (on stage with a cover band) should have been an official ticket to recovery. I learned something about other people through my experience – that chronically ordinary people don't want to confront embarrassment. I don't think they expected my severe behavior when they kept buying my drinks – behavior where my character defects were on full display in reaction to alcohol use. Many of my colleagues wouldn't look me in the eyes after it happened. I felt awful about my reaction to alcohol, but I didn't know how to avoid drinking.
When I read the big book, I searched for recognition in the doctor's description of the alcoholic. Like many other alcoholic's I sought a way out of identifying with alcoholism. I thought I'd figured a way out of the label because I only experienced cravings occasionally. I felt that because I didn't always crave it, I must be less of an alcoholic.

Also, knowing I developed postpartum mental illness gave me the notion that my mental illness made me special. "Uniqueness" appealed to me. I wanted to think I was different from an alcoholic. It took careful searching to understand that any reaction with craving is part of a progressive illness of alcoholism [in the doctor's opinion]. Craving at all is the defining feature of alcoholism. And the thinking obsession about drinking is the other key issue [in the doctor's opinion]. Plus, after a biopsy in 2016, I lost my ticket to drink ever again in my own doctor's opinion. My surgeon told me to quit.

Sitting in these rooms, I've concluded that my mental illness was in part a severe escalation reaction to a mix of trauma, character defects, and alcohol – inflammation and possible "infection" or "allergy" as Dr. Silkworth described it [in the doctor's opinion]. My sickness resulted from the perfect cocktail recipe for cognitive decline, delusional mental illness, being spiritually challenged, and blackouts. As I learn more, I am beginning to recognize my spiritual condition and my personal need to take steps to treat my illness on all levels – mentally, physically, and spiritually. Mentally I've taken medication for my mental health for years and had a stable recovery for 17 years, where I've managed my career. Spiritually, I pray for my higher power to remove my character flaws every day, to keep me sober. Physically, I've quit alcohol for 185 days. I wouldn't trade my illness / traumatic memories / and experience of this learning opportunity for the world. In my belief system, these challenges were necessary to help me grow.

Today, when I feel certain emotions, I still get the desire to drink (cravings) in the form of an experience that the excellent doctor refers to in the big book as the "obsession of the mind to drink" [in Bill's story]. Certain emotions that produce specific feelings that I spent 17 years trying to numb with alcohol, sugar, and other things, I find that feelings that tap my character defect are especially problematic.

I was too sick to address my spiritual issues with God early in my disease. In Bills Story, I love a quote when he talks about his belief in a higher power. I had religious trauma. For me, it happened when my dad was exfellowshiped from a church for having an affair with the pastor's best friend's wife. I'd grown up in a dental family that identified as members of a Bible church in the 80's. Many of my delusions focused on my complicated relationship with my higher power, the underworld, and the multiverse when I got sick. After all, my parents were founding members of a private Christian school. It started in our attic. They named it after the castle in CS Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia. The school still graduates students to this day, but they taught us to have blind faith in Christianity and question everything. It was a mind ###$ of an education, if you ask me. This programing still impacts me to this day, such as repeatedly questioning my illness.

I've also learned that this is a daily program; the spirit is only fixed within me for the day I ask for help. "One day at a time is needed because each day you have to do the work." Drop the rock (Step 6 & 7) says it best "There is no magic in recovery. You get what you work for." God helps me when I ask for help, but when I wake up in the morning, I am back to my reset, untreated alcoholism, character defects return until I learn to change or I’m relieved from them by my Higher Power. In addition, I rely on mental health medication that I need for the daily treatment of my mental illness. Every time I've fallen off of meds, I get unwell. I've experienced severe withdrawal in 2017, with sleeplessness and couldn't sleep for seven days. I'll need the medication for mental health for the rest of my life because I have always gotten so sick without it. But then, I was always drinking when I lost my mental health, until I experienced illness from inflammation.

In 2004 I realized I was a "problem drinker" who sometimes craved addictively - until that trauma in 2005 while giving birth during an exam with a physician… I couldn't make sense of that event.
When I saw the flower of life in the third eye - I felt love like I've never known before. For those of you unaware, it is the flower of life. For me, the ancient image opened in my mind’s eye, and sent sparks of love and light with sacred geometry at the center of a mandala welcoming my daughter at birth. The opening lotus flower is an ancient symbol of motherhood. But when my defect became apparent before the presence of source, I was spiritually unfit for the spiritual experience in my sacred space. After the trauma, I started to use alcohol differently, trying to numb my emotional response and medicate my spiritual experience and defects and that escalated and advanced my condition into dysregulation.

When I couldn't sleep, I spiraled out of touch with reality in my postpartum. I was drinking, but not beyond what I had used before the trauma. I'd abstain when I was paranoid that my health care providers were observing, my alcohol use was not diagnosed. They called me "Non-alcoholic" in my fatty liver. But, to be honest, we'd even packed champagne to take to the hospital to celebrate my daughter. They commented they'd never seen that before… But it seemed normal to us considering our level of heavy drinking.

After the trauma at the birth, I tried everything.
• -pills to sleep,
• -pills to stop the insanity, and
• -more pills to stop the anxiety – prescribed by my psychiatrist,
• -drinking,
• -smoking,
• -walking,
• -pastors,
• -Reiki healers,
• -shaman,
• -eating sugary foods,
• -you name it, I'd try it (if it was legal) to stop the trauma from advancing.

My struggle was real. I couldn't stop thinking about my experience at the birth. I stopped sleeping well. When I stopped sleeping, I lost my mental health and developed a delusional psychosis. They called it postpartum delusional Disorder. My therapist said to call it "depression" because others would understand it better. But every time I've gone off medication, it comes back. Coming back from a loss of mental health can be soul-crushing. My primary justification for growing alcohol use was to medicate the pain and emotional suffering and numb my self-pity.

The hope that fed my soul in my darkest moment was the thought that someday, someone could love me. What I needed in real life was to love myself and continue to work to grow my friendships and healthy relationships around me to create a life I love and expand my network of people I care about. Anymore, I don't want a single connection to fill the void left by my daughter’s father who I divorced. Instead, I want to grow a healthy community. Someday I hope to find companionship and intimacy. And, having known the depths of loneliness, I imagine I'd appreciate a partner more than I was able to during my drinking years. I hope for a companion who's in support of my wellness and sobriety.

Every time I'd get sick, I'd get paranoid and try to abstain from drinking for a while. This may have delayed understanding the full depth and nature of my illness both mentally, physically, and spiritually. This condition is "cunning and baffling." I'll probably never really know what portion of the equation is truly a mental illness, what part is inflammation, what part is a physiological infection, "allergy", what part is alcoholism, and what part was character defect causing the escalation of my trauma into dysregulation.

The saddest thing in my mental health recovery journey was when my marriage died. It was 2006. I asked my daughter's father to love me through healing from the trauma and loss of mental health. He said "no" – It wasn't what he signed up for in marriage, he said. Glass of wine in hand, he turned and went to the basement. When my marriage died, my drinking and writing became my companions.

In 2009 after the financial meltdown, we moved to *mod edit* for another opportunity for my daughter's father for an entertainment company. In the spring of 2011, I believed my computer and phone were hacked and I felt coerced out of the relationship – I was getting messages in my notebooks, computer, phone and when the bedside lamp caught on fire *mod edit*, that was the final straw – I thought someone was helping me. But, I felt coerced. My sponsor recommended referring to it as an “act of God.” But I also realized I'd be sick for the rest of my life if I didn't make my ex separate from me.

My daughter and I continued to live in In *mod edit* for about a decade. Until in 2018, when she came to me and asked me to move her home to *mod edit* where I'd strategically sent her to stitch and study and bake and bible around my grandmother's kitchen table with the neighborhood kids since she was a little girl. She was afraid she wouldn't like who she'd become if we stayed, and I listened, and we relocated that spring.

My illness over the years has been labeled a lot of things, but madness is probably the most accurate, above any diagnosis. Still, I wasn't convinced I was an 'alcoholic' until years after I lost my mental health. It took listening to others' stories and then hearing myself talk and share the medical aspects of my alcoholism to find the parts of me that could be defined as an alcoholic. My story has many parts that sound like an alcoholic to me, and when I share it, it keeps me sober to remember that alcohol makes me sick.

The medical aspects of my story. (Step One.)

In 2012 I began to experience my first flashes of a blackout. I documented it and called in sick to work. I didn't know what my first blackout was at the time. I walked to work along 2nd avenue in Manhattan just above Houston St. after a night of being out. I remember seeing a beautiful woman with a purple handbag then the black flash. When I got my vision back, I was several steps further down the block than when I lost my vision. I searched for the purple bag. When I tracked to the only purple thing around, it turned out a short lady with a purple duffel bag. I thought my experience was paranormal. Delusional Disorder was my formal diagnosis for about a decade. However, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2014 and reclassified to Schizoaffective Disorder in 2017 when I fell off my mental health medication and experienced a severe withdrawal when I couldn't sleep for seven days. I have visual and tactile symptoms when I'm not well in full disclosure. Drinking alcohol didn't improve my condition.

In 2016 a liver biopsy determined I needed to completely quit alcohol and eat a low fat, low sugar diet. I kept trying but couldn't manage to string more than a few days together here and there, up to a few weeks when I believed I may be monitored with a breathalyzer during outpatient treatment. In 2017 I attended my first 12-step meetings. I went to the fishmonger meeting in *mod edit* almost every day for two weeks. I made it about 23 days. But in 2017, I never completed the first step, and I wasn't ready to begin my spiritual healing journey at that time.

In 2018 my dentist caught a precancerous tongue lesion. I'd had trauma at age 12. After a movie, I'd fallen on the ice at ranch mart theater and bit my tongue terribly. The resident had snipped the piece off so I could eat. They'd warned me not to ever smoke or drink when I went back. The advice I didn't adhere to. I seriously tried to quit smoking and drinking on November 7, 2018. It was the day of my biopsy, and I wanted to heal.

That theme of valuing my health is what brought me in, and I realized I needed support to sustain my quitting alcohol. When I was struggling to accept step one, I remember taking solace in hearing that "the only requirement to join was a desire to quit drinking." But it was in hearing myself tell other new people my step one that helped me hear that I sounded like an alcoholic when I shared the medical aspects of my story.

I grew my program based on working with a sponsor, using the literature when able, seeking outside help, leaning into the meetings, and relying on the others for support, when I'm not able to do the work myself. Things that worked that people said were – "do ninety meetings in ninety days ." People said, 'meeting makers make it.' They said, "easy does it." There were days I needed three meetings, meditation, prayer, calls, and texts. A wise old-timer once told me, "if you feel it, you can heal it." This gave me hope, and I trusted others in the program had the experience to help me. The key to my experience with the program is that it is a spiritual healing journey.

I've always struggled with power, so the first step required me to do something I didn't like. It required me to surrender. But at the same time, I loved submitting. My complexity forced me to struggle to find acceptance. To complete step one required me to admit powerlessness over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. It felt good to finally surrender to this idea and start to get right with God, myself, and others. But I had a lot of religious traumas from my childhood that were a challenge to be with. I love my dad and am grateful for his daily support to remember to take my medication. He's a much better dad in his 70's than he was in his 30's and 40's. I hope my daughter forgives me one day and that I can be there for her more in my 40's and beyond than when I was younger.

By 2021, I could heal enough in my relationship with God to be willing to do the work of steps 1-3, getting right with God.

Cerebrally I had to surrender my parts and return my thinking into my muscle cells through a program of action. This gets me out of the head work. It is challenging for me. I felt reluctant to let go of my ego. I lost my ego in mental illness due to a complex medical trauma that I've explained. And my head can overthink stuff, sometimes. To do the work I needed to recover and stay sober I needed to be well enough to be honest. I needed to lean into strengths like communication, trust the input from my sponsor, and spend time growing and Team Sunny – the people I surround myself with within recovery. I also needed a level of mental clarity to work to see my shadow (step one) and a willingness to let God work on my shadow (step 2-12). 1-3 right with God, 4-7 right with Self, 8-12 right with others.

How life became unmanageably included:
• my health,
• my relationships,
• my household,
• and my ability to concentrate.

Strength and relief came from doing the work of the 12 steps. Hope is from learning to live with my illness and be in recovery as healthy as possible. I remember the day I was ready to quit drinking. I don't think I would have been prepared to stop a day earlier, and I needed to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was September 4, 2021. It was two in the afternoon, and I stood in my kitchen contemplating a drink that had never happened - thank God.

I stood in my kitchen alone. I realized I'd never stay sober alone without support - and my network of connections wasn't enough for me. I'd grown a list of about 100 contacts I regularly kept in touch with, but they weren't enough. I needed a fellowship of alcoholics who had experienced quitting to help me grow. So I looked up a meeting nearby. *mod edit * It took about 5.5 years to surrender to step one, from my first directions to quit drinking by my healthcare team. I remember going to meetings asking for a first step again and again almost every day for 30 days. I am grateful for everyone’s shares. Thankful for everyone who repeated their experience strength and hope again and again. I tried to understand how my sickness was intertwined with alcohol use.

The most significant help was that the 12 steps are a predictable and reliable method to remove me from self-pity, Step 4 & 5; 6 & 7. It helps return some ability and gives me a regain in function in sobriety.

I need help navigating. I thought I’d take a month for every year I spent drinking at my trauma focused on healing, but it was driving me a little nutty at times, and I started to feel like I was choking on my halo, so I returned to dating. In getting to know others, I’m trying to build new healing pathways for processing emotion, traumatic memory, and experiences. This is letting me rebuild my pathways for coping and healing. I still rely on my trauma therapist, who suggests growing healthy relationships is good for healing. We use internal family systems therapy. If you've seen the movie Inside Out, you have the framework for understanding trauma from this point of view. In using this method, I see myself in the context of my broken parts that managed my behavior when I used alcohol; I also relied on a substance use therapist to help guide the early steps of recovery in addition to my sponsor. I see my psychiatrist every 4 months at this recovery point. I know how to access care through the portal, and I'm thankful for responsiveness of healthcare providers.

I'm not sure what God has in store for me. While I'd like to have someone to grow old with along with having dogs… I'm willing for whatever God has in store for me. I'm sure that whatever challenges I face will help to grow and perfect my soul. I feel blessed to have been challenged as I have with this illness to grow and work on my character defects with help from a higher power – God as we understand Him.

I still get sadness that overwhelms me at times when I think of the physician, but I am present and comfort myself until it passes. I know from experience that eventually it passes, it has to. And I need to take it easy, be kind and gentle with myself. And then I let the feelings go. When I need support, I am grateful to have other alcoholics as well as many connections who are willing to listen. My first sponsor relapsed, now I’m in the process of reworking my steps to get back to 8 & 9 with a new sponsor. I’m not sure how I will make my amends to the physician. It will probably be a letter. Next week it will have been 17 years.

However, there are limits to my ability to tell my story in conversation, and I believe my mental health advocacy story is best described in a longer format. For this post, I tried to isolate the lessons about alcohol to make it relatable to the 12 steps.

Step 1
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step 2
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step 3
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Step 4
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Step 5
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Step 6
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Step 7
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Step 8
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Step 10
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Step 11
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
Step 12
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Last edited by Snaga on Mon Mar 07, 2022 2:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: privacy issues
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunnyg
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Re: Growing Hope - The Gratefulness Thread

Postby Sunnyg » Sat Apr 02, 2022 4:47 am

Dear Doctor Who Inspired Living All In My Head,

I can't close my eyes without feeling overwhelmed by love. It is time to leave me. I wish you pain so that you may grow.

"Wish You Pain"

I hope your doubts come like monsters
And terrorize your dreams
I hope you feel the lonely hopelessness
'Cause no one else believes
I hope you question whether you ever really had a chance at all

I hope your fear is thick like poison
It gets into your blood
I hope you push until you cannot breathe
And it's still not enough
I hope you put your life out on the line and everybody watches while you fall

'Cause I love you more than you could know
And your heart, it grows every time it breaks
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
Wish you pain
It's hard to say
But I wish you pain

I hope people break their promises
And leave you in the cold
I hope they beat your heart to pieces
Worse than you've ever known
I hope you finally arrive, only to find you're nowhere close

I hope you cry and tears come streaming down your face
I hope this life traps you in more than you thought you could ever take
I hope the help you want never comes and you do it on your own

'Cause I love you more than you could know
And your heart, it grows every time it breaks
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
Wish you pain
It's hard to say
But I wish you pain

I love you more than you could even know
Been here before and I just wanna see you grow
Want you to grow

'Cause everything that matters most
I swear it goes by a different name
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
I wish you pain
It's hard to say
Wish you pain

I love you more than you could even know
I've been here before and I just wanna see you grow
Want you to grow


I release you. I want this connection to release.

Sunny
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
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Re: Growing Hope - The Gratefulness Thread

Postby Sunnyg » Sun Apr 03, 2022 3:19 pm

I was talking with my sister and really wish to explain the way I wish to manage my character trait which has the potential to spiral into a defect if not fully embraced with the way I wish to honor myself and live an intentional and ethical life with authentic relationships. I didn’t love others fully when I was younger. I didn’t know how. Didn’t have role models do this ethically. Today I understand my capacity for love and wish to find a connection that is loving and free and honors my soul and can help me nurture my soul. I’m doing the work to be present for my family and myself. I’m growing into the shape I was designed to be. And working to align with my higher power a loving Source, God.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
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Re: Growing Hope - The Gratefulness Thread

Postby Sunnyg » Tue Apr 05, 2022 7:14 pm

At halftime I envisioned orbs of protection and energetic safety for all the KU team and their players! Then I slept very well. I won't take credit, but I love doing my part to support the team! I just checked the news and they won!
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
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Re: Growing Hope - The Gratefulness Thread

Postby Sunnyg » Tue May 10, 2022 4:28 am

These past few weeks, I thought I was doing so well... Then, this weekend I lost hope for love. I didn't drink or do anything... and am not a threat to myself or others, but I realized how terrible it is not to have hope for love.

It was something subtle that pushed my comfort level. Then a spiritual movement and realization that I don't understand why I have to love the man who abused his power and touched me at the most vulnerable moment of my life, which resulted in me being unable to forget that feeling... it hit all my desire and hopeful parts of self like a tsunami in 2005. I escalated into sleeplessness, drinking to self-medicate, and I horribly screwed up my personal relationships and life as a result of my condition. I am struggling and it's been over 17 years! I feel so sad and hopeless about my issue.

My long-standing trauma therapist wants me to heal within a relationship. I can't find a man willing to let me love him in a relationship that isn't stashed... who I feel attracted to in a way that I believe I can move on... I mean, I want someone who wants me, too. I mean there is one man, I can't even look at his hand without wishing he wore a band for me. Then I feel sad. But I don't believe he's into me. Honestly, just about any man may qualify for the quest... but, I feel so unwell and sick without my love for the physician. I feel despair.

I hate to depend on the hope for his love, but it isn't safe to do the work to remove the trauma and try to cut it out on my own. I'm too sick - longing for his love. I hate that I can't release it. It is so sad to live this way. The EMDR addiction therapist wanted to get straight to work to remove the trauma, he doesn't understand my issue - the trauma is complex, the 2005 exam trauma at the birth hit a moving part that I need to survive. the trauma hit my hope button.

###$ you, dr for being what I need to survive - hope for your love. I pray to God to take this issue from me, and I come back to wanting you every time... Why won't God take this from me? I don't understand my experience, What is the purpose of this?

Your silence is tragic. But if you told me the truth about how you actually feel, that could be even worse... So, maybe silence is the only option. I was going to write my amends, but I couldn't send the letter. it is addressed to your work and has postage. but I feel sick about it.

I feel sad and sick for you still... how long will this last? an eternity? I mean what is seventeen years?
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunnyg
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Sunnyg
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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