To the shell of the person that I married

I've been lurking on these forums for awhile, looking I guess for some kind of advice or outlet. I posted a few months ago on Reddit about my current situation and since deleted it; frankly, most of the advice given was unhelpful, if not unkind.

I am convinced my spouse of four years (together for nearly a decade) has a delusional disorder, likely stemming from PTSD. Most of his delusions center on infidelity, but are accompanied by full-blown auditory and visual hallucinations. He claims to have seen me, on multiple occasions, have sex with other men in our apartment. Twice now, he claims to have recorded evidence. Of course, I've asked to see it, and of course, there are plenty of excuses as to why I can't: he deleted it, it's with a lawyer, etc.

I'm fairly certain yesterday marked the end of our marriage. The outbursts and name-calling have only gotten worse. His favorite today is "junkie whore." Secret drug addiction seems to be his rationale for why I'd sneak men into the apartment for sex. For money. For drugs.

I don't know that I'm ready to discuss all the gory details, but today he mentioned my handle. It's a handle I've been using elsewhere, mostly in Discord-based support groups. He thinks I use it to hook up with other men. I have no idea how he knows about it. He's not that technical. Maybe I just left my laptop open at some point.

I guess I'm hoping that maybe, one day, perhaps once he's found someone new, he'll find this post. Perhaps when he starts accusing her of the same things, he'll care to look.

I suppose I just needed to write something down somewhere. All the things I wish I could say to him. How I wish he had gotten help. How much I want him to find happiness and peace. How fearful I am that he will end up alone. How sorry I am I couldn't help him. How much I hate the cold, distant person I became last couple years of our relationship. I was just trying to protect myself.

To anyone else reading this, you're in my thoughts. I wouldn't ever wish this on anyone.

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. This does not get better. It subsides, then comes back. It’s always there. My husband has been doing this for more than 20 years. It got better when he was in chemo; he was too wiped out to be delusional. Just leave. Save yourself. The moment you have a chance to exit, take the exit ramp. If you read about this, you will learn there is no effective treatment.