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DDJ is it worse around the holidays?

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DDJ is it worse around the holidays?

Postby exhausted37 » Wed Dec 18, 2019 4:07 pm

Having such a rough time right now. My DDJ spouse of 20 years, seems to get so much worse around the holidays. Most of our separations have come around Thanksgiving and Christmas. Is it just that way with us? Anyone else have the same problem?

Just reaching out today because I am in hell. I used to love the holidays and now I dread them.
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Re: DDJ is it worse around the holidays?

Postby JohnMarr » Fri Dec 20, 2019 2:52 am

Not now thankfully, I bailed out, had enough. Couldn't take another minute. It wouldn't matter if you lived just the two of you on a desert island, there would still be bizarre accusations.
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Re: DDJ is it worse around the holidays?

Postby SshhBear » Fri Dec 20, 2019 3:22 am

Hi Exhausted. I'm exhausted too. I'm not sure of the answer to your question as my husband and I have only been on this roller coaster of despair for a couple of years but I hope you do get a chance to make some nice memories this year. I read some of your earlier posts and your story is eerily similar to mine - feel free to read my previous posts for context. I spent a long time trying to find others in my situation because I think it helps to not feel so alone.

I was going to write a new post but this board doesn't get a lot of traffic so I thought I would just reply to you. I left my DDJ husband in July this year but our separation isn't going very well. We see each other most days for a few hours and usually have dinner at whichever house has the children on the day. When I left, I did so on the basis that my own mental health had taken a beating and I was sick of being told I was a liar, a cheat, narcissistic, schizophrenic and evil. I was an emotional wreck and having always been somewhat of a people pleaser, I spent my every waking minute trying to make my husband believe that I loved him and wasn't cheating. I left without a reconciliation plan and bought a new house to live in. When I was still home with him, he would sometimes sit me down for a serious talk to explain to me that he understood I was in a difficult position. He thought the man I was supposedly having an affair with must have had some sort of hold over me and he wanted to help me. Other times, he would tell me I was schizophrenic and possibly didn't know what I was doing because it was the 'other me' doing it. He was so convincing that at times, I would sit quietly in the bathroom and search deep into my own memories and thoughts to make sure I really wasn't getting up in the middle of the night to have the 'affair' while everyone was asleep. More than once, I had suicidal thoughts because I just couldn't deal with the accusations, the way he looked at me, how when I didn't make eye contact because I felt degraded and humiliated, he thought it was guilt etc etc

Biggest problem I have today is this. I've let myself become very emotionally dependant on him and that's really bad. As a person who wears my heart on my sleeve, I struggle to convince myself that it's his illness that made him say such horrible things to me over the last two years. When he was saying disgusting things, I warned him that he wouldn't be able to take them back and warned him that I may never get over them. He wants me to move back in but I've convinced myself that we can never reconcile until I get the following:
1. He has to take responsibility for his mental health being the cause of the problems
2. He needs to apologise (sincerely) and show genuine remorse for what he put me through and the damage his mental health has done to me
3. Ideally he should stop smoking 'funny stuff' to remove the paranoia side of this illness

He has been taking Risperidon for about 6 months at 3mg a day and he meets with his psychiatrist once every few weeks. I went to the last meeting and explained to both of them that I can't be in a relationship with someone who believes I have ever cheated on them. My husband stated that he knows I'm not cheating now. The psychiatrist added that while my husband doesn't think I'm cheating now, he will likely never realise that I didn't cheat because it was real to him at the time and he may always believe I cheated and put him through all of that. To me, that basically means that he will never treat me with the respect I deserve because he will always think I'm capable of lying and cheating. I like his psychiatrist but aside from managing his medication, I don't think he's doing any cognitive therapy with him and I have read that for this difficult disorder, both medication and CT has better success.

My husband refuses to talk to me about the issues that lead to our separation. He doesn't want to talk about them ever again. If I do ask him anything about the events of past, he says he just wants to live in the now, he's not stupid and he knows the truth. If I ask him what truth he knows, he replies with a cryptic answer. If I try to get a non-cryptic answer, he tells me that I'm the reason for his beliefs because I have always been the person to keep bringing it up. He seems to forget that while I was living there, he treated me with so much disrespect and contempt, it was hard not to bring it up. He always says that he wasn't bringing the topic up but was merely just pointing out oddities he noticed around the house (which were usually indirect attacks at my supposed infidelity).

I'm thinking that after Christmas, I'm going to have to go no contact so we can both move ahead but there's something stopping me. I don't know what is blocking me because while I was happy to spend the rest of my life with him, we never really had a great relationship to start with. We had some really happy times but more unhappy times and these days, I don't get a lot of comfort from being around him because the medication makes him lifeless, unmotivated and unresponsive a lot of the time.

Hope you don't mind the long post but feel free to share your thoughts - I'd love to lend an ear to someone in the same situation as me. Other people just don't understand what this is like. Family and friends say, "Just leave the a#$%%e" as if we're just being idiots and they have zero sympathy for what it must be like for the sufferer.

I hope you have a very merry Christmas and hope the new year brings new special memories to hold onto. You are not alone.
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Re: DDJ is it worse around the holidays?

Postby benditos21 » Thu Dec 26, 2019 3:11 am

Wow! It's amazing how our DDJ husbands have so much in common. I don't think mine is worse during the holidays. He's just worst when one of his many triggers pop up and I know when that happens because he can't stop verbally abusing me and out fly the wild accusations. We have been married almost 40 years and it was pretty good until DDJ started about 6-7 years ago. Although he keeps saying he will leave me, I don't know how that will happen because right now he checks on me so often and follows me if I leave the house. I don 't see him going from that to zero contact.
I read that your husband is on risperidone. Didn't it help at all? And how did you get him to seek help? My husband is in total denial. He insists his only problem is having a wife who "throws herself" at every man around. I hesitate to kick him out because I think he will go off the deep end. His mother committed suicide plus an uncle and an aunt. I worry about this.
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Re: DDJ is it worse around the holidays?

Postby SshhBear » Fri Jan 03, 2020 3:20 am

Hi Benditos21. I'm not 100% sure why my husband takes his Risperidon. The only way I was able to get him to go to the psychiatrist was by promising I would go to one as well to help me with my imagined infidelity/lying problems. I never wound up going because two GPs wouldn't give me a referral as they believed this would make my husband's beliefs stronger. The psychiatrist that my husband sees agreed on that point so I never went. Even though he believes he was never the problem, I think his psych explained that the medication would rid him of the physical symptoms of his anxiety and generally make him feel better. In answer to the "did the meds help" question - yes and no. Yes, it has calmed him down and there have been no fresh accusations for 4-5 months. No, in that I had hoped his meds would provide him with insight to know that I never cheated on him. I just can't get past it without being released from my imaginary crimes. He is going to ask his dr next week if he can come off the meds or lower the dosage because he doesn't feel the side effects are worth it. Side effects for him are:
- absolutely no libido - he's never experienced that in his life before
- flat emotions/doesn't get joy from anything much
- no motivation to get anything done
If he does go off them, it will be interesting to see if his delusional beliefs come back in full force. I'll keep you updated. :)
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Re: DDJ is it worse around the holidays?

Postby benditos21 » Wed Jan 08, 2020 8:47 am

thanks SShh Bear for your insight. Yes, keep us posted on whether the delusions come back when he is off the meds. My husband seems to have those same side effects without ever taking meds. He is depressed, withdrawn and watches TV 12-14 hours a day. I don't know about the low libido because he hasn't touched me in 2 years. He did have an affair around that time and it still hurts terribly. I was shocked that he would do something like that after 40 years with me (and a good sex life) and I know in his mind, it was revenge for my imaginary cheating. He has no remorse because he said I have being cheating all along even though there is no proof. I wish I could move on from the hurt, but I cannot get those images of him and that slut out of my head. I kicked him out when it happened, but took him back after he promised to get therapy. He went only 3 times and nothing has changed. It just gets worse with him following me when I leave and even checking my bed in the middle of the night to "catch me". Despite all this, I feel sorry for him. He is so miserable.
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Re: DDJ is it worse around the holidays?

Postby SshhBear » Wed Mar 18, 2020 3:45 am

Just a quick update peeps.
Hubby (ex) has been on the Risperidone for 10+ months now. No change in his beliefs. I often wonder if his extremely fixed ideas would be different without key 'facts' or would a DDJ sufferer just make other things key 'facts'? For example, my husband's 'absolute proof' moment was initially a lie detector test that gave an incorrect result. Then, it was a video that I apparently put on his phone of me having sex with someone else. The video couldn't be found even with restore deleted images apps. There was however a still frame image of the video and the woman doesn't even look like me. Another piece of undeniable proof, was an audio recording one morning that he set up in secret outside out bedroom. There was a faint noise that could have been a neighbour but more likely, it was our small dog snoring. That was interpreted as me sneaking someone in and having sex with them. Funny thing is that around the time of that recording, you can hear me talking to a man. The man I was talking to was my husband. You can hear his distinctive voice clearly but he still believes that I had someone there. More recently (aka yesterday), he said his definitive proof was a short recording from our security camera several months ago. The early morning recording in question showed a light coloured shadow moving slowly across our front pathway. I watched it. My guess is that it was a headlight from someone's car. At an absolute stretch, I guess it could have been a large white dog but it was so blurry, you really couldn't make anything out. Apparently, that video shows me having sex with someone outside on our front garden path. He does not think any of these 'proof' moments are irrational thinking at all. Very sad!
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