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Is there hope?

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Is there hope?

Postby HoldingTheLine » Mon Jul 08, 2019 4:35 am

I have read most of the posts on this forum and it brings me comfort to know that I am not alone, but at the same time it is so incredibly depressing. My wife has cut everyone out of her life and has now turned her sites on me (and the kids). It’s the usual accusations of infidelity and “abuse”. The kids, in their 20s, are dumfounded by what they are witnessing and have tried to intercede, but she thinks I have converted them to my side with my “silver tongue”. She spends countless hours on the internet researching about "covert narcissists" and psychopaths which is her diagnosis for me. When she isn't obsessed on how horrible I am, she is researching conspiracy theories about the "deep state" and the end-times. Unfortunately, there are plenty of odd-balls on the internet who feed these ideas.

It seems as if no one gets out of this with their relationship intact. Is there any hope that I am going to get my wife back? Does this illness ever go into remission?
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Re: Is there hope?

Postby Sunnyg » Fri Jul 12, 2019 7:11 pm

There is hope.

Advice:
The two key ingredients to recovery are hope and courage.

For a long time my hope was based on delusional love, now it's based mostly in reality, although at times I struggle with how I think. I have learned that if I think of trauma with acceptance it is easier to live with it and the memory of my delusions.

Helpful stuff:
Coping skills help.
Therapy helps.
Medication helps.
Clear communication of values helps to drive action.

To do:
Read "I'm not sick and I don't need help." By Dr. Amador.

Join NAMI. (Both your local and state group. Take classes like family to family)

Learn about LEAP = Listen Empathise Agree and Partner

Don't confront the delusion to argue, but don't agree either. Try to be kind, but firmly hold onto reality and keep your trueth, just no need to pursue the disagreement.

For instance:
"You [insert delusional acusation]." - person with lived experience

"I hear you saying that you feel [insert acusation], I'm sure you must feel [appropriate description of a response to the accusation]. I feel terrible, but I did not [insert delusional acusation] as you remember. Will you talk to someone who may have insight who can help us solve this issue?" - the sane person. (Amador does this example best)

Hope that helps.

Sunny
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunnyg
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Re: Is there hope?

Postby SshhBear » Mon Jul 15, 2019 1:18 am

Hi HoldingTheLine
I am in the same situation as you. My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years and have 4 kids - 2 still at home. I am sad to say that in my case, we have separated after 2 years of living hell. He is still adamant that I have been cheating with someone. I stopped leaving the house alone most of the time because I 'knew' he'd see that I never had an opportunity to cheat but his delusions found a way for me to continue cheating - by getting up in the wee hours of the morning,dodging the security cameras and having quickies all around our garden.

I only moved 2 days ago but I am a broken woman and although I love this man dearly, despite all the horrid things he has said to me, I wish I'd left before it got to this point. The last few weeks the man that I adore, looked at me with hatred. He didn't believe a word I said about anything. He wanted me to get a psych assessment because he believed I was bi-polar or narcissistic. His psych told him on visit 2 that he was pretty sure hubby had a mental health disorder. Hubby is in complete denial though he is taking Risperidon with no effect at all after 5-6 weeks. He feels that he has 100% proof of my two year affair and can't see that his proof is not proof at all. Some of his proof includes:
- Plants out the front dying (lover pees on them)
- Outside motion lights have been switched off at least once (lover did it)
- Outside motion camera picked up a light shadow early one morning (lover and I doing it on our pathway)
- Me being on my mobile phone (I like to research things and keep my phone unlocked all the time - anyone in my house can look at anything on it). He thinks I have a secret way of communicating with my lover.
The list just goes on and on.
If I cry (I often do), it's because of what I have done to him and being torn between my lover and him.

I wish I could give you some reassurance that your wife will come good and maybe she will but it will be at your emotional expense. I know this because I'm a wreck. I wish I'd found this forum sooner because I would have loved (still would) to have someone to talk to who was going through the same thing.

If you would like to chat or bounce your frustrations off someone, I'd love to help. Good luck.
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Re: Is there hope?

Postby Sarandipity » Mon Oct 21, 2019 1:37 pm

SshhBear wrote:Hi HoldingTheLine
I am in the same situation as you. My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years and have 4 kids - 2 still at home. I am sad to say that in my case, we have separated after 2 years of living hell. He is still adamant that I have been cheating with someone. I stopped leaving the house alone most of the time because I 'knew' he'd see that I never had an opportunity to cheat but his delusions found a way for me to continue cheating - by getting up in the wee hours of the morning,dodging the security cameras and having quickies all around our garden.

I only moved 2 days ago but I am a broken woman and although I love this man dearly, despite all the horrid things he has said to me, I wish I'd left before it got to this point. The last few weeks the man that I adore, looked at me with hatred. He didn't believe a word I said about anything. He wanted me to get a psych assessment because he believed I was bi-polar or narcissistic. His psych told him on visit 2 that he was pretty sure hubby had a mental health disorder. Hubby is in complete denial though he is taking Risperidon with no effect at all after 5-6 weeks. He feels that he has 100% proof of my two year affair and can't see that his proof is not proof at all. Some of his proof includes:
- Plants out the front dying (lover pees on them)
- Outside motion lights have been switched off at least once (lover did it)
- Outside motion camera picked up a light shadow early one morning (lover and I doing it on our pathway)
- Me being on my mobile phone (I like to research things and keep my phone unlocked all the time - anyone in my house can look at anything on it). He thinks I have a secret way of communicating with my lover.
The list just goes on and on.
If I cry (I often do), it's because of what I have done to him and being torn between my lover and him.

I wish I could give you some reassurance that your wife will come good and maybe she will but it will be at your emotional expense. I know this because I'm a wreck. I wish I'd found this forum sooner because I would have loved (still would) to have someone to talk to who was going through the same thing.

If you would like to chat or bounce your frustrations off someone, I'd love to help. Good luck.


My ex was on Risperidon, he would accuse of similar cheating scenarios - he accused his own brother which I somehow found more disturbing. His meds were changed to Clozapine (I think). We are not together, he's had a new partner for about 3 years now and he says he's better - I don't know first hand because of no longer being with him but according to him the change in medication helped him loads.
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