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I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

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I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby KindnessFailed » Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:34 pm

Hello
I am new to this forum and am at my wits end with my partner of 10 years. To cut a very long story short I have been accused of having an affair and committing fraud for the past two years. It started suddenly one day and has been relentless ever since. Initially he was manic and psychotic for over two months and he frightened me so much that I got the police involved. He thought he was being chased and filmed on the motorway and followed into work with people breaking into his house and moving things just to unnerve him.
He comes and goes as he pleases and at times is quite scary as he is verbally aggressive. He had an affair four years ago which I forgave, he didn’t apologise and I feel he is projecting his guilt into me. I am also accused of staring at men younger than my sons all the time and am told that I’m embarrassing for doing this.
The person I’m accused of having the affair with is a random estate agent I met a few times when selling my house and this person is also accused of recruiting me to commit the fraud. I’ve left him so many times but then feel sorry for him as ‘he isn’t well’.
I’m told by his family that he had a very similar psychotic episode when he split with his first wife but this only lasted about six months - this was four years before he met me. He told me himself when we met that his wife had an affair but she wouldn’t admit it but if she had then they would have been ok - he’s used the exact same words to me too! I’m told by his sister that he had an affair when he was married - two years before he accused his wife of doing the same.
My question is that if I just let him go and he met someone else (which he keeps threatening to do as he constantly tells me that I don’t love him) would he just get better? I’m thinking that this may be the kindest thing to do for him, as much as I love him I am the total focus of his delusion and probably being with me isn’t helping him.
I add that he has lost a very good job and a 20 year career six months ago because of this and they paid him off to leave - this is also my fault apparently.
He hasn’t accessed any help as he doesn’t see that he has a problem. It is all me and I’m just trying to make him think he’s going mad.
Sorry for rambling
Jan
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Re: I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby benditos21 » Thu Feb 07, 2019 8:27 am

I could have written a similiar letter. I am being accused daily and it's verbal abuse. I am still with him out of loyalty to a 40 year marriage, but it won't get better. It's just gotten worse since it started 5 years ago. He will not be better off without you, but he may find a new victim to abuse and leave you alone. It's up to you whether you want to stay or leave and preserve your sanity. I keep holding out hope that my husband will accept help, but he refuses and I don't know how much longer I can take this. I can barely leave the house and when I do, he follows me. It's all so sad. I do have a cousin whose husband had this and she left him. He went on to marry and abuse someone else, but at least she got her life back.
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Re: I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby StaggeringBlow » Thu Feb 07, 2019 11:52 am

Sounds like a classic narcissist.

I married one, and, I eventually just had to take off. I actually did it twice before but came back, but, the third time it was for good. But I needed help, and I thank God for that day.
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Re: I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby KindnessFailed » Thu Feb 07, 2019 7:07 pm

Thank you so much for your reply Benditos21. I am at my wits end with it all. The verbal abuse is a constant daily challenge. The worst thing I put up with him is him telling me I smell of sex and accusing me of having sex all day long instead of going to work. This occurs daily. My situation
Is just getting worse every day. This is on top of his constant accusations that I’m committing fraud. He tells me they he loves me but he’s not going to beg me to stop this ‘affair’ and that he’ll find someone else who’ll treat him better than I do. It just amazes me that he can firmly believe everything that’s in his head and nothing will sway him at all. In fact the more I protest my innocence, the more I’m
Guilty in his eyes.
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Re: I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby Nmkim » Tue Apr 09, 2019 1:39 am

Hi, and many sympathies. I’m now in the same boat. If you are not married to that man, leave. I’ve been dealing with this on a mild level for about 20 years. He would at times completely misinterpret very innocent actions and statements on my part. He would believe I was somehow insulting him or attacking him. How he could make that connection was beyond me. I stopped taking him with me to company events, because when we drove home, he said all the people there were looking down their noses at him. Early last year he started saying his exwife was here, following him around with her cop boyfriend. I was stunned, because she’s been dead for 12 years, and he didn’t believe me when I told him that. When I learned of her death many years ago, I did not mention it to him (no point).

Last year he was diagnosed with a rare form of non-Hodgkin lymphoma. I did everything in my power to help with all his chemo and then a stem cell transplant. The lymphoma is in remission. The whole thing was pretty hard.

Then, this morning, he told me his exwife was back to stalking him and that a cop had been following him. He said he called the state police to complain. ENOUGH. I told him his ex had been dead since 2006. He said he didn’t believe that, and I was wrong. I told him his brain was playing tricks on him, and that I was going to find the obituary and bring it home.

So I printed it out, along with some other information on delusional disorder. He does not believe the obituary. He thinks its faked. He continues to believe she is alive and stalking him. I told him this is a sign of a mental health issue and he needs to get it checked out. I also printed out the phone number of the behavioral health clinic with our health insurance. I don’t think he believes anything I say. This year we will be married 22 years. We are both in our early 60s. Reading this forum, I can see myself just running away if this continues.
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Re: I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby KindnessFailed » Wed Apr 10, 2019 7:39 pm

Hi and thank you for commenting. You also have my sympathies and I hope you can work through things. I have left him but he has not stopped with his accusations, he is now demanding money from me which he says is for lost earnings due to him losing his job - he blames me and my ‘associates’ for this! It is very sad for him but at the same time is really distressing for me. I don’t see him getting any better any time soon. He now has a new partner and I really fear for her. I have spent the last two years treading on eggshells, being accused of things that are completely far fetched and being promiscuous and this has been beyond distressing. I have lost confidence and feel anxious most of the time. I really need to start looking after my own mental health instead of trying to fix him. He just will not accept that there is anything wrong with him.
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Re: I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby Nmkim » Thu Apr 11, 2019 6:14 pm

No, he will not accept that anything is wrong with him. Never. Eventually, he will leave you alone, and will start accusing the new girlfriend. If you can, stop communicating with him. I am very glad for you that you were able to leave. YOU ARE SO FORTUNATE!!!! I feel trapped. Ever since I left the obtituary of the ex, an article on Delusional Disorder and the phone number to the mental health clinic for him, he’s been on his best behavior. I don’t know what he did with those papers, because they are no where to be seen in the house. I hope he kept them somewhere.
I know this isn’t over and it will be back. But at least I had the courage to break the ice, and to give him some truth. Even though he will never believe it, I feel better about myself. I have removed all the guns from the house, just in case.
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Re: I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby Nmkim » Wed Sep 25, 2019 11:35 pm

It’s September and I’m reading my posts from April. The delusions about the dead ex-wife stalking him (with her state cop boyfriend) have not returned yet. Ever since I gave him the printout of the obituaries, an article on delusional disorder and the phone number of our mental health clinic, it’s been dead silent on that issue. For a month or so it was very uncomfortable here, not knowing if he was quickly slipping over the edge, or getting himself back together. At that time, there don’t appear to be any Delusions, but he has never mentioned the x-wife issues.
We are back to the usual status of him over-interpreting peoples’ words and actions. He always goes a conclusion to far. Facts and actions that I believe have no significance, still have some greater significance and interpretation to him, that make no sense. I patiently (sometimes not patiently) analyze and repeat the facts, and point out there is no information that would allow me to reach the same conclusion he has reached. I point out equally plausible conclusions from the same facts. I think I’m ruining his game of “awfulizing” over innocent facts. At the moment we have peace, though.
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Re: I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby beartooth99 » Thu Dec 05, 2019 12:05 am

You cannot convince a person with a delusional disorder that their delusions aren't real. Don't even try. They need intense therapy/medication
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