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I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

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I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby KindnessFailed » Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:34 pm

Hello
I am new to this forum and am at my wits end with my partner of 10 years. To cut a very long story short I have been accused of having an affair and committing fraud for the past two years. It started suddenly one day and has been relentless ever since. Initially he was manic and psychotic for over two months and he frightened me so much that I got the police involved. He thought he was being chased and filmed on the motorway and followed into work with people breaking into his house and moving things just to unnerve him.
He comes and goes as he pleases and at times is quite scary as he is verbally aggressive. He had an affair four years ago which I forgave, he didn’t apologise and I feel he is projecting his guilt into me. I am also accused of staring at men younger than my sons all the time and am told that I’m embarrassing for doing this.
The person I’m accused of having the affair with is a random estate agent I met a few times when selling my house and this person is also accused of recruiting me to commit the fraud. I’ve left him so many times but then feel sorry for him as ‘he isn’t well’.
I’m told by his family that he had a very similar psychotic episode when he split with his first wife but this only lasted about six months - this was four years before he met me. He told me himself when we met that his wife had an affair but she wouldn’t admit it but if she had then they would have been ok - he’s used the exact same words to me too! I’m told by his sister that he had an affair when he was married - two years before he accused his wife of doing the same.
My question is that if I just let him go and he met someone else (which he keeps threatening to do as he constantly tells me that I don’t love him) would he just get better? I’m thinking that this may be the kindest thing to do for him, as much as I love him I am the total focus of his delusion and probably being with me isn’t helping him.
I add that he has lost a very good job and a 20 year career six months ago because of this and they paid him off to leave - this is also my fault apparently.
He hasn’t accessed any help as he doesn’t see that he has a problem. It is all me and I’m just trying to make him think he’s going mad.
Sorry for rambling
Jan
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Re: I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby benditos21 » Thu Feb 07, 2019 8:27 am

I could have written a similiar letter. I am being accused daily and it's verbal abuse. I am still with him out of loyalty to a 40 year marriage, but it won't get better. It's just gotten worse since it started 5 years ago. He will not be better off without you, but he may find a new victim to abuse and leave you alone. It's up to you whether you want to stay or leave and preserve your sanity. I keep holding out hope that my husband will accept help, but he refuses and I don't know how much longer I can take this. I can barely leave the house and when I do, he follows me. It's all so sad. I do have a cousin whose husband had this and she left him. He went on to marry and abuse someone else, but at least she got her life back.
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Re: I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby StaggeringBlow » Thu Feb 07, 2019 11:52 am

Sounds like a classic narcissist.

I married one, and, I eventually just had to take off. I actually did it twice before but came back, but, the third time it was for good. But I needed help, and I thank God for that day.
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Re: I am the accused - will it go away if he meets someone else?

Postby KindnessFailed » Thu Feb 07, 2019 7:07 pm

Thank you so much for your reply Benditos21. I am at my wits end with it all. The verbal abuse is a constant daily challenge. The worst thing I put up with him is him telling me I smell of sex and accusing me of having sex all day long instead of going to work. This occurs daily. My situation
Is just getting worse every day. This is on top of his constant accusations that I’m committing fraud. He tells me they he loves me but he’s not going to beg me to stop this ‘affair’ and that he’ll find someone else who’ll treat him better than I do. It just amazes me that he can firmly believe everything that’s in his head and nothing will sway him at all. In fact the more I protest my innocence, the more I’m
Guilty in his eyes.
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