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Desperately need advice about husband with DDJ

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Desperately need advice about husband with DDJ

Postby exhausted37 » Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:09 am

I have been dealing with a husband with what I believe is DDJ for over a decade. We almost divorced over the summer but he decided to come home and asked me to withdraw the divorce, so I did. I love him. I have tried to get him help for years. He has seen a few therapists but will not be honest with them. He believes that I cheat on him constantly or that's what he says anyway. I have taken two polygraph tests and passed them both, but his accusations continue and he finds fault in the tests.

We are separated again. He left a few days ago. What I really need is some advice here. I have disagnosed himm with DDJ but there are other illnesses he also has the symptoms of. Paranoid personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, etc... He is abusive, verbally every day, mentally, and sometimes physically. He projects things that he does onto me, i.e. secret social media accounts, connecting with ex-lovers, interest in younger partners, secret cell phones, lying about where he has been, etc... He manipulates me, isolates me from friends and family, I have no friends. I can't visit my adult daughter without him with me or without our youngest son with me. I only get to visit family once or twice per year. I am not allowed to work outside the home. I am not allowed to do much of anything really. I have given into this for years because I thought it would help him to trust me.

He believesthat people talk about him behind his back. He believes that compete strangers in public places are laughing at him and talking about him. He believes that I or my family have tried to poison him. He believes that myself or others are out to hurt him or take things from him. He believes that his mother tried to harm him when he was young. He believes that my mother put a Witch curse on him. And he believes that he has connections with certain younger women and when one of them rebuffed him and told my sister what that he had contacted her , he was convinced that she would not have turned him b down or.contacted my sister. He believes it must be a fake account set up by my sister or mother because he could not believe that she would have told on him. He also believed that a young woman that we have a ride once had secretly whispered to him that she wanted him. She didn't. I was in the car and she said nothing to him like that. And she also rebuffed him when he contacted her.


Pretty sure I am codependent, I have been trying to fix him for years. I am struggling here. I love him. I knsow he sounds pretty bad this all laid out and this is really only a portion of our issues.

Is this really DDJ, is it something else, or is it just an abusive husband? I agave him an ultimatum to get help first or no coming back this time because he has promised so many times and has never followedthrough.

Please help me.
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Re: Desperately need advice about husband with DDJ

Postby Sunnyg » Mon Nov 12, 2018 7:32 am

A good place to start is the book I’m not sick and don’t need help. Also, your state NAMI affiliate can help you find support locally. Your hubby needs a psychiatrist and therapist. In my experience the delusional thoughts that go untreated the longest are the hardest to deal with.

Good luck. Most people recommend leaving if you can.
Best,
Sunny
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Re: Desperately need advice about husband with DDJ

Postby redbelly » Fri Nov 16, 2018 4:22 am

Hi
I am going through basically the same things as you.Over the past 5 years accused of cheating, many times. I coped with it keeping it to myself for years, until he told my kids that he believed I had a boyfriend and we were going to separate because of it.
At the time i couldnt even defend myself as I was working away and had no idea all this was happening. When I returned I was devastated that he had said these things to my kids.
He came up with ridiculous "evidence" that I proved time and time again was wrong. and I knew he had no proof of anything because I had done nothing.

I know there is no hope for us which is sad as we have been together 27 years and I thought we would grow old together. I loved him.

I am really confused and I wonder if it is just me that he hates and why. He has to come back to our home soon to sort everything and prepare our property for sale and I am really nervous about that as we havent spoken for months.

He is a great dad and I listen while he talks to my daughter as if nothing ever happened, but calls me a liar and a cheat in messages

Does anyone know if this gets better by itself or will get worse and other people will see this side of him. another thing he says is that if I just "admit " to what I have done, he will forgive me. what a joke. How do you admit to doing something that you didnt do?
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Re: Desperately need advice about husband with DDJ

Postby KindnessFailed » Wed Jan 09, 2019 6:34 am

Hello
I am at my wits end with my partner and can totally relate to this post. I just don’t know where to turn and have been putting up with his erratic behaviour and accusations for two years. He also says that if I admit to the affair that we can move on and he will forgive me. I have walked away so many times but then feel sorry for him as I think he’s unwell and I’m not being fair on him. I am also being accused if committing fraud and have been recruited by ‘people’ to do so. He is verbally aggressive and then turns up wanting to be loving which I just can’t do. There is no swaying from his beliefs and the more I defend myself the more I am guilty in his eyes. We have been together for ten years and prior to this he was lovely. I haven’t felt safe at times. He has recently told me that he’s met someone else as he can’t trust me. He says he loves me but he doesn’t believe anything I say - he tells me that I’m lying when I tell him that I love him and miss him. I think that if I just let him go and be with this new woman and stop responding to his emails that his delusional paranoia will go away as he perhaps won’t do this with someone new meaning that he will suddenly get better overnight. Is this the way to help him get better or wound he just continue with someone else? He has lost his job because of erratic behaviour at work (he thought he was being followed and was going to be blamed for the company’s IT systems worldwide being hacked - they eventually paid him off to leave). When he’s around other people he can appear perfectly ok.
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Re: Desperately need advice about husband with DDJ

Postby Sunnyg » Sun Jan 13, 2019 3:32 pm

Hi there,
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you'd benefit from an in person group that understands as well as this online community. I'd recommend calling NAMI (the National Allience on Mental Illness) 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) ask them the number for your state and / or local component if you are in the US. Sign up and go to a family to family course, or just start by talking to the Help line and asking questions about how to get someone help who doesn't want it, and where as a person with a loved one with mental illness, where you can get support. My aunt is a board member in her state (my cousin was diagnosed about 20 years ago), and my mom is a local component board member (she said she feels like she found her people, after I encouraged her to get involved), It's people like them who teach the classes for family-to-family, and offer real support. I also want to encourage you to listen to Dr. Amador on youtube, or read "I'm not sick and I don't need help", it's a great organization with a lot of people with experience personally navigating through really hard times. Again, I'm sorry you have to go through this, but there are a lot of great people struggling with this sort of thing too.
All the best,
Sunny
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