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Could it be erotomania?

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Could it be erotomania?

Postby LaPrincesseNoir » Sat Jul 07, 2018 6:19 pm

I am deeply concerned that I have erotomania. I have been in love with the same guy since I was 14. He is a professional dj, used to be a dj for a now very famous rapper and is currently touring with another well known rapper. I first saw him in the background of the first rapper's music video when I was 14. I didn't know who he was but for some reason I was extremely drawn to him and to this day I still don't get why. He is a very handsome man but back then when he was only 21 he was cute I guess but not someone that would normally make my shallow, 14 year old self swoon. I started fantasizing about him. I gave him a name. I wrote stories about us falling in love. A couple years after that I bought a documentary dvd the rapper had put out and the dj happened to be on it. So I was able to get his name. I friended him on myspace. He had a girlfriend at the time but I was 14 and he was 21 so there was nothing I could have done anyway. Fast forward to my late teen/early adulthood years, I continued to follow him on social media. I would look at his friend's pages just to see photos and videos of him. Never tried to contact him outside of sending a couple little (very corny)messages to him saying I thought he was very talented. He responded saying thank you and that was that. In 2011 he dated a woman (I was 20 at this time) and I remember feeling devastated and crying about it. I never had any ill feelings toward her, didn't even really feel jealous. I was just very sad he wasn't with me. They've broken up and he appears to be single. There have been brief moments where I haven't really thought about him much. Like if I was involved with someone "in real life."I've dated and been involved sexually with plenty of other people but nothing ever got serious. As soon as those situations fizzled out I went right back to dating him in my head. Right now I'm not interested in being with anyone (other than him) seriously so I keep things casual. Sometimes while being intimate with other guys I pretend it's him I'm making love to.The only things about my situation that are different from the typical erotomania symptoms are I do not believe that he is sending me signals, I don't stalk him and have no desire to (well...more on that later).I have never told him how I feel. I have looked him up in a people search just because I was curious and wanted to know more about him. I don't communicate with him. I don't feel violent toward him or anyone in his life. Lastly I don't believe/think he reciprocates my feelings.At least not really. Three years ago, I fell on hard times and found myself in a homeless shelter. My first night there, terrified, hungry and full of anxiety...I remember all I could think about was him. So I prayed. (I grew up Christian. No longer religious but very spiritual with belief in God, the power of prayer, the universe etc.) I prayed that God would tell me why this man has dominated my mind all these years especially now since I should be focusing on getting my life together. My belief is that God told me that man is my soulmate and we're to be married and build a life/family together. I've prayed for signs of this and believe they were confirmed. I've prayed for certain things to happen for him and they have. I waffle back and forth between believing that this is so, which feels amazing, and not believing it, the latter causing me so much anxiety and emotional turmoil. I feel like I'm crazy. Like I'm delusional and hell I just might be. I've prayed that God would remove these feelings from me, make me not find him attractive anymore but to no avail. I live in Michigan. This guy lives in Miami. Many times I think of going to Miami "on vacation" with the hopes of running into him or going to one of his shows and him seeing me and falling for me on the spot. I suffer from PTSD and BPD (borderline not bipolar)due to abuse from both parents growing up and going into my early 20s. Feeling unloved most of my life, the idea of having someone God chose that is guaranteed to love me is very comforting. I was also brought up in church and it was drilled in me that God is supposed to choose your spouse for you. Anyway. I know this is very long...but I'd like some insight from anyone struggling with this as well or who has knowledge on the subject. I plan on speaking with my therapist about it this week. I spoke with my last therapist about it as well but she didn't seem to think it was a big deal.
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Re: Could it be erotomania?

Postby ThoughtfulCoffin » Fri Jun 14, 2019 3:02 am

Hello and im so sorry no has gotten back to you, i relate to you jeavily i have borderline personaloty disorder and im 21 years old im a guy but i have ptsd from my mother abandonment and other issues, i struggled with substance abuse for a bit and have an eating disorder, i believe my neighborhors are somehow infatuated with me, i live in a complex and i have this stupid belief they anticipate me going outside for cigarettes and other bizzare things, ita gotten to the point where i say things outloud to entertain them, but when i catch myself i can be calm. I went throigh a bad break up recently and my bpd has gotten really bad. I feel sometimes i migjt lose it all
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Re: Could it be erotomania?

Postby PrivateConstruct » Wed Sep 02, 2020 8:46 am

It's worth observing that these instincts are pretty universal, it's just that you're misdirecting your focus in ways and for reasons that you seem to understand already. That may or may not be on any comfort but you apparently have the capacity to love and that shouldn't be undervalued.

I'm not making light of your discomfort but, having been the father of a "normal" daughter I can say that normality in real life covers a broad spectrum of experience and the biological dynamics are very powerful. You're not in control of that but you can rationalise it in ways that will be good for you.

Probably best not to act on the impulses you know are unreasonable, that would complicate things for others and then for you in turn but you seem to have a handle on this and that's a good place to start.
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