Self-doubt regarding the severity of my symptoms

Hi everyone! I'm new to this site. Joining was actually my first tangible attempt at really taking action regarding my mental health, because, as indicated by the subject line, I feel very ambivalent about my symptoms.

Now, I haven't been to a mental health professional, other than a social worker I now see once a week (as my parents think the root of my problems is stress management). I know that it is against the site's rules to diagnose others, but I'm really asking for someone who grapples with this disorder to relay what they relate to, what they don't relate to, and their advice for coping with cyclothymia or possible cyclothymia and/or whether to seek treatment.

I'm a 17 year old boy, and ever since I can remember, I've had a pretty volatile mood. But I've had a very hard time discerning whether my mood swings were unprovoked (e.g. cyclothymic) or provoked by stimuli. For example, I've always considered myself EXTREMELY extroverted -- to the point where if I have just 3-5 days without meaningful social interaction or productivity, I become lethargic, apathetic, and depressed. Thus, I've always attributed these mood and energy changes to a lack of interaction. However, particularly in the last year or so, I've noticed veritably unprovoked changes in mood/energy/outlook that last anywhere from 10 minutes to several hours. Particularly when I operate on the same schedule (e.g. a school schedule) I can almost predict a dip in my mood around 6pm that lasts for maybe 2 hours, followed by a spike in physical and mental energy in which I can literally shake with restlessness for anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes. The latter, heightened mood is marked by excessive productivity, feelings of heightened ambition and plans for the future, and urges to talk to MANY people (sometimes I'll text 10 friends to let them know I love them with lots of exclamation points) and to go out socially (and sometimes drink). I also am a writer, and can write with especially precise clarity during such a time. After a pair of cycles like this, I will normally mellow out and be "normal." Keep in mind, this does not happen every day. I would say a full cycle like this (2 hours of depression followed by an hour of energy) happens maybe twice a week. However, it's difficult to discern because my memory seems consistent with whatever mood I'm currently in (e.g., during a "normal mood" - which is probably 60-80% of the time, I'm not exactly sure, I don't believe I have a problem. But during a high/low, I definitely believe I have a problem).

The major reason I feel I have cyclothymia is due to the impact on my schoolwork. In my lows, I can have feelings of guilt, apathy, and especially burnout. I'm a very high-performing student (GPA of 97 unweighted), and have always embodied an odd combination of under and over-achievement. For a while, I considered that I could have ADD, as I definitely struggle to concentrate in some contexts. I also have trouble with organization and with starting tasks - even the simplest task like opening my backpack can seem daunting and overwhelming. Thus, I can get very anxious about school and feel a constant sense of burnout and exhaustion. However, as my work is becoming more high-level I feel like I'm having to exert more emotional energy just to do simple mental tasks like study for tests. When I'm in a depressive state, one of the most noticeable aspects is that I feel I will never escape that mood - or finish whatever seemingly impossible task is at hand.

Another issue I'd like to point out is that I am prone to make certain decisions during an "episode" that I regret afterward. Nothing huge, but I do sometimes send out emotionally vulnerable text messages (or occasionally e-mails to teachers) that I don't feel are "me" after the fact. Especially if I send a late-night message about my depression, the next morning I'll think to myself, "Wow, I really believed that episode would never end. From now on, I'll remember it always does." Nevertheless, the next time, despite my best judgement, I can't help feeling trapped by my mood.

Despite not lying in any of the above statements, I do want to emphasize that I feel "normal" as much as 80-85% of the time. Although I did rely on alcohol for a portion of last year, I don't abuse any substances. I've never even considered self-harm, though I have self-sabotaged in a mental/emotional sense (e.g. starting a fight with someone so I could feel bad for myself, or purposely procrastinating an assignment to feel helpless). But I also wonder if a combination of hormones, extraversion, emotional sensitivity and circumstantial factors have given me the problems I've highlighted above. For example, during the summer, though my symptoms don't go away, a lack of stress and a more abundant source of social interaction does diminish the frequency of my symptoms considerably.

So, thank you to anyone who put aside the time to read this message! I guess my final question is - Does it sound like the majority of my symptoms are circumstantial, or is there a veritable prospect of me having cyclothymia? Do you ever have trouble distinguishing between the disorder and other aspects of your life (stress, lack of social interaction, etc.)? Any advice or related stories would be greatly appreciated!

Welcome to Psychforums,
I don't have Cyclothymia so I'm no help there. But having my diagnosis of BP I has me doubting if I really do have the disorder. That type of thinking to me, seems normal. Have you done some reading on the topic? I recommend the book store or any information online which may be helpful. The rest is wait and see. Wait to see a psychiatrist and they can diagnose you if indeed you do have Cyclothymia. I hope others will share their experiences. Good luck!

The super irritating thing is that doubting your illness is real is a symptom of the illness too (when manic or hypomanic)

I definitely agree that you should speak to a professional, we here can only share our experiences, but can't diagnose you.

just a "me too." 95% of the time i know i have/have had bipolar symptoms. but there's that other percent where I doubt it and wonder if I'm making it all up.