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How do you feel today? *may trigger

Open discussions about Cutting and Self Injury. This forum may be triggering.

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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Snaga » Sat Apr 27, 2019 8:07 am

Feel pretty meh. I made a gaffe at work, that has me pretty upset with myself, and worried. I've been told unnecessarily, however, in my mind, it's a mile-wide asteroid about to hit.

Work usually brings out the worst in my impulses. I can't say when I last self-harmed before today, but I fell off the wagon. Burning, some hitting. When you're surrounded by people, it's hard to do it and hide it, which is a good thing- I didn't hurt myself as much as I would have liked. Hid some of it by being 'clumsy'.

Coming into PF and doing my moddy stuff has helped distract me, for a few hours, at least. Eventually, I'll have to deal with it, again. The urges, that is. I'm beside myself, at the moment.

Lots of suicide ideation. My brain keeps coming up with ways to off myself. For me, these aren't serious desires or impulses, it's tied in with my anxiety and my OCD- I've had harm OCD for many many years. I'm still alive, so at this point, I know better than to take suicidal thoughts seriously. Just chatter in my brain, or as I think of it, my inner drama queen.

Self-harm, though, is a real possibility. And the desire to do some more, and better, SH is there. Hopefully I'll resist those desires and not mark myself all up, the way I used to do. I really don't want to return to that. To having to explain away all the marks on my arms and legs. I got to where I didn't even miss it, but it just took one thing to set me off again.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby octopustentacles » Thu May 23, 2019 12:49 am

Really unhappy. Having so many problems today.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby smurf » Wed May 29, 2019 12:21 am

giving up
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Snaga » Fri Jun 07, 2019 5:11 am

Please don't, Smurf.
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby octopustentacles » Tue Jun 25, 2019 2:42 am

Struggling. I cant talk about anything either. Ive become a brick wall. I try...but I fail.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Snaga » Sat Jun 29, 2019 12:58 am

Long as you're trying, I don't really see it as failing.
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby voracious_lemon » Mon Jul 01, 2019 2:54 pm

I think my mental health provider is giving up on me. They keep canceling my appointments. I was supposed to see my doc every two weeks, but then he kept cancelling and now I haven't seen him in months, and now he's not even at the same practice and it's going to be at least another month before I see the new doc. I'm sick of getting calls from the office saying my appointment's been pushed out. The urges to cut are so intense right now. I'm out of meds too. I don't deserve the help I need I guess because if I did they would help me in getting it. I feel like crap and I'm crying.
All I saw was the Devil's soul
And it looked a helluva lot like my own
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Snaga » Wed Jul 03, 2019 5:52 am

It's not a matter of deserve or don't deserve- please don't say you don't deserve help, sweetie. Of course you do.

Try to resist the urges, sweetie.
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Lifeontheline » Sat Jul 06, 2019 2:10 pm

yesterday

Yesterday was a terrible day. Somehow I couldn't post this message. That's why I'm doing it right now.

Last two nights I have been having nightmares all the time. That I am being chased, beaten, mistreated, raped or that I have to hurt people or myself. Also there was constantly a person encouraging me to cut myself. This makes me super restless.

Yesterday I woke up and was not myself at all. Those words kept haunting my head. I spent 4 hours polarizing in my house. I was completely alone. Thoughts of cutting and possible thoughts of putting an end to my life up.

Nothing had special had happened. There was no reason other than those dreams...
I was completely confused. Normally it is over after SH but when I had done this I could hardly stop. I wanted to go on... I became terrified of myself.

I don't want to die at all and yet that voice makes me think it does. Very frightening how it can turn so fast.

I ended up with *mod edit* cuts. Something I'm certainly not proud of. On the other hand I'm glad I'm still there. I called my husband after those 4 hours, because I felt that I just wasn't going to make it. I went to his office and just sat here. I think it was the best choice I could have ever made.

Today I'm doing a little better. The SH thoughts are definitely there. Still wants more, but the I jump out of a window thoughts are gone. Hopefully forever...

Now I am especially very tired and I want to lie in my bed...
Last edited by Snaga on Sat Jul 06, 2019 5:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited out number of cuts per Self-Injury posting guidelines; far too many cuts please be safe!
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Snaga » Sat Jul 06, 2019 5:13 pm

That's simply too much cutting, sweetie- I had to edit your post, but yes, that's too much- not that any is good. Please try and stay safe!

I'm glad the suicidal ideation is a little better for you, after that.

Nightmares and poor sleep can certainly affect my mental mood- once in a very long while, I will have a night that I simply think will not end, that I am going mad, when bad dreams merge together into a very poor mental state. I sympathise.

If you at any time feel in crisis, I hope you'll do what you did, again, or go to hospital and explain to them that you feel at risk.

Please try to take care of you, and care for the cuts. Try to stay safe and keep from cutting any more.

Does your husband know about the cutting, and what does he say about it?
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
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Snaga
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