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How do you feel today? *may trigger

Open discussions about Cutting and Self Injury. This forum may be triggering.

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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby pencilsNcigarettes » Wed Nov 28, 2018 6:15 am

Hey Shattered Mind.
About the hospital: they couldn't keep me anywhere for over a week largely because of poor communication and that I underplayed my suicidal thoughts to the doctor I talked to the next day...

So, I scheduled an appointment for friday and i'm staying at a friend's house tonight. I've done multiple 'rounds' of sh since i got home and when my parents took away my knife it caused me to become... resourceful. My friend (whom I can trust) he agreed to hold onto my new knife and booze while I stay there and give them back when I leave. He acknowledges that I need to take recovery at my own pace in order to make it my own, or else it doesn't work for me. I feel like this is big progress for me considering all the self-destructive behaviour I'd rather not list right now. I've been talking to a lot of friends who have made me realize that I'm not being myself so that's something I've been thinking about...
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby knightofpentacles » Fri Dec 07, 2018 11:35 pm

Awful. And it's really upsetting to me because I was doing well for a while. "Doing well" meaning I didn't cut, wasn't constantly thinking about suicide, and was actually being productive. (My productivity is amazing when I'm relatively okay and terrible when my mood is terrible, so I sometimes use that as a sort of measurement.) "For a while" is maybe a week or two. Then my mood dropped and somehow gradually got even worse over the last two months, each day thinking that the next will probably be better because this is as bad as I can feel, right? But no.
I also happen to collect knives. This has nothing to do with self-harm I just really like knives. But yesterday a friend of mine got me these awesome ceramic knives that are supposed to be really sharp, good for slicing, and don't get dull quickly. And all I can think about when I look at them is *mod edit*, releasing all the tension and pain that have built up inside me over the past couple of months. I want to cut really badly. So far I'm doing a good job of ignoring these impulses.
Last edited by Snaga on Sat Dec 08, 2018 2:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: a little too graphic could be triggering to other SHers
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby pencilsNcigarettes » Fri Dec 14, 2018 2:50 am

Hang in there, knightofpentacles. Maybe you should get a trusted friend to hold onto those knives for a while. I ended up trying that while I was staying at a friend's place and when I got the urge to late at night I had nothing to hurt myself with. Also their cat was sleeping on my chest for most of the night so that helped too lol. That's just what's been working for me. Plus when they were helping me to get over my self harm and suicidal thoughts I really didn't want to let them down so that gave me the extra bit of strength I needed. I had a nasty s/h relapse over the course of a few days but I checked myself into a hospital and it hurt when they took away my booze and weed but I'm realizing I don't need those to cope as badly as I thought I did. To quote Frank Turner's lyrics: "I know that you are cynical but I think I can convince you/ yeah 'cause broken people Can get better if they really want to/ Or at least that's what I have to tell myself if I'm hoping to survive!!!!"
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby hursegurl_92 » Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:33 am

Lost. Just moved 13 hours away from home to get a fresh start, missing my childhood home. Kind of want to just skip Christmas this year, feel like a failure because I can't afford to get presents for anyone this year. Was numb for awhile but now I am allowing myself to feel and I didn't self harm to get past the numbness this time. :?
Cowgirls don't cry
Ride, baby, ride
Lessons in life are going to show you in time
Soon enough your gonna know why
It's gonna hurt every now and then
If you fall get back on again
Cowgirls don't cry
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Cristaline » Fri Dec 28, 2018 8:07 pm

Urges to cut, but i resisted.
I feel like a failure, but i try not to let it see, i creed opening my Christmas presents, cried myself to sleep because Christmas was over, now i cry and i don't exactly know why..
I make everyone miserable..... :'(
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby ArchCannon » Fri Jan 04, 2019 6:06 pm

Cristaline wrote:Urges to cut, but i resisted.
I feel like a failure, but i try not to let it see, i creed opening my Christmas presents, cried myself to sleep because Christmas was over, now i cry and i don't exactly know why..
I make everyone miserable..... :'(
Alena


Hey, there's no need to feel like a failure, Cristaline. Sometimes we all just need to get it out of the system. And I daresay crying is a better way to do so than sh. Less destructive, at least. So yeah, cry it out as much as you need, tears will stop flowing sooner or later.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby ArchCannon » Fri Jan 04, 2019 6:33 pm

Supposedly some people say they sh because it lets them regain a sense of control. I've been thinking about it recently. Right now I'm at a point where I can (and should) take up the steer of my life (again). But then again I am extremely afraid of messing it up (again). I mean, when you hit rock bottom there's this comforting thought that you can't fall any lower.

Can you relate?

But when you try to bounce back up, opportunities to fall back down start to creep up on you again.

For some time now I've been seeing everything I do as a sort of a "fast forward" button, as in to make the waiting seem shorter. Fast forward to the inevitable, grim end. I realized I don't have the guts to end it myself. By now however, I could sum up everything I do as nothing more than waiting for my own death. There is nothing more I look forward to, nothing more I anticipate, nothing more I would dream about or hope for.

Abuse alcohol? Play some videogames? Go to the movies? Sure, why not, it'll make the waiting seem shorter. But there is no fun, or joy, or pleasure in it. It is to instrumentally push a "fast forward button" only.

I've been off the razor for about two months by now. Only because I'm briefly living with my parents now. But I'm moving back out in three days, and without any sort of authority figure present I don't think I'll be able to hold it up. The urges are getting stronger with time.

I realize this is a bit of a pity party ramble. Peace out for now (always wanted to say this), and stay strong.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby Exploring » Sat Jan 12, 2019 1:04 pm

I feel so tired of this. I used to cut years ago but haven't since. The urges or even thoughts stopped. For months now they have been back. I just want to get that relief. Someone inside is really upset, I think. I barely feel present. This is all too much and I haven't had to use skills in years.
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Re: How do you feel today? *may trigger

Postby DarkenedAngel » Fri Feb 01, 2019 12:36 am

It's been a long few years since I was last on here. Things are so different and yet still the same. I won't bore you all with the details.

For the first time in a year all I want to do is cut. I've been doing so well and my wonderful other half is so proud of me for it. I don't want to let him down but I don't know what else to do. I'm all on my own right now until he wakes up in a few hours and I just keep wondering what the sharpest thing in the house is.

This ridiculous aching void inside me is back again. I don't think it ever really went away but it was at least manageable. Now... I don't know. My alters are scared, we haven't felt like this in a long time and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do anymore about anything. I should be happy, there is no reason for me to feel like this so why is it happening again?

I'm sorry I'm rambling I can't even see my glasses have steamed up from crying for no damn reason. I'm shaking I just want to cry and scream and cut forever.
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