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Goodbye, I guess

Open discussions about Cutting and Self Injury. This forum may be triggering.

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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby 08uP » Wed Feb 03, 2021 10:23 am

Well I've held from posting since Christmas.

I felt like I was tired of whining. Which is all that I seem to do here. Which should not be considered as a judgement on anyone else; only myself.

I'm not sure why I've picked today. Everything seems fine. Well, not out of the ordinary, at least. Wanting to cut...? Adult $#%^?

Idk. Well maybe I do.

I

-- Wed Feb 03, 2021 4:28 am --

christmas as so ######6 awful. Just constantly feeling like I wasn't even the one in myOwn body. ######6 $#%^ it was so awful. I keep trying to be a good person. A good Christian but for that to be such a terrifying and #######5 day I feel... It feels so bad but I don't want to blasphemy.

And things havnt gotten better. And I know that they wont get better.
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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby 08uP » Wed Feb 03, 2021 10:38 am

So... A long time ago... I promised a friend that I wouldn't kill myself before reaching this age... And my year is already almost up...

Idk if it maybe that one doctor was right. Maybe it's epilepsy. When things get too intense, my head jerks and things seem to calm down. But there are always underlying constants. Wanting to end it all has been with me since I was at least 5. Its only gotten stronger since then. Or maybe the other doctor was right and I'm just bipolar. Too bad there's not a good test. Too bad I never trusted...

I just hate myself so ######6 much. Looking back at all the things that "I"'ve done that I've never understood.

Bad. That's how im doing today.
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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby 08uP » Wed Feb 03, 2021 10:53 am

08uP wrote:So... A long time ago... I promised a friend .



I MISS my friends. You've lost yours and ive lost mine and now we have NOTHING left!

YOU MISS YOURS BUT YOU DONT THINK THAT I MISS MINE?!
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Goodbye, I guess

Postby 08uP » Mon May 10, 2021 10:40 am

Well I've finally figured out the cause of my dissociative episodes. It took having most of my family witness the latest one. One sibling of mine related some of the events to me afterward, since I had no memory of the event. It seems to me like it all boils down to temporal lobe seizures. Which I guess makes sense. As far as I remember, these episodes only started after an automobile accident, in which I had a head injury. This was the worst such event though. Seven years later. I feel like I was so young at the time. And I asked my family for help but they brushed me off.

I don't get it. If your kid got hit by a truck and got put in the hospital with a head injury, wouldn't you care? Wouldn't you do something, anything?

Seven years later. It took my sibling witnessing my worst episode yet, and relating it to me, for me to really figure it out. After I almost died multiple times. After I wound up in jail. Finally, thankfully the ######6 mystery is solved. And now I'm being bitched at for sleeping in because I'm depressed. For not making the drive over to their house to celebrate mother's day. I called. I visited during the week and brought a present. It's nothing but constant bitching. I'm truly sorry, but I can honestly see how being raised by those selfish alcoholic jackasses in that redneck child-molesting town might have caused some cptsd. But evidently, it was just early adult onset temporal lobe epilepsy brought on by an automobile accident, that I was left alone to try to figure out. Lucky me.

I know I really shouldn't talk about this here, but I'm closer than ever. I promised a friend, a long time ago, that I would wait until this age before making that jump. And I really don't know what to do. My whole ######6 family is trash. I quit my old job to spend more time with them. And they turn out to be even more $#%^ than I thought they were. And my new job is garbage. But it's still a decent job, and if I seek treatment for seizures or epilipsy or start taking anti-convulsants, then I will no longer have a job in this industry.

And I don't have a lot of options left.

I wish I would have known more when it mattered more.
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Re: Goodbye, I guess

Postby Snaga » Mon May 10, 2021 2:51 pm

08uP wrote:And I don't have a lot of options left.


There are nearly always options, however.

If you or any part of your system is feeling seriously suicidal, please consider presenting to ER or calling a hotline. I find things to rarely be as hopeless as they feel at any given moment.
Image

Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
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Re: Goodbye, I guess

Postby birdsong87 » Mon May 10, 2021 4:00 pm

I am not sure if you will read this at all, but it isn't temporal lobe seizures unless you got an EEG that shows that you have epilepsy. There is a dissociative symptom that is called dissociaitve seizures or pseudo-epileptic seizures that is part of dissociative disorders of the body and movement. That kind of seizure is caused by dissociative parts and looks exactly like temporal lobe seizures. The main difference is that the EEG shows nothing in that case. you cannot diagnose seizures withour getting an EEG to check out what is going on.
The experience you described is well within the normal range of experiences for DID and it isn't even rare. There is no reason to give up without even getting it checked out properly.
Dx: DID cPTSD
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Our blog on resources https://www.dis-sos.com
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Re: Goodbye, I guess

Postby nothingshocking » Sat May 22, 2021 1:23 pm

I'm so sorry that you've had to endure all you have without feeling anything close to support.
If I have understood correctly, you're giving all you can to your family, and not getting anything in e way of support or positive response your efforts. But instead receive yet another wave of negativity by their word or action (or both) that's only purpose is to make you feel worse for not living up to THEIR expectations?


I get it.
I SO get it.
And I'm so sorry they SUCK.

Those neverending waves of negative words, feelings, and disappointments are suffocating as they keep crashing down on you again and again.
But don't forget, as tired as you are, you can swim.
Sometimes it is just treading water.
But you ARE swimming.

My advise is sometimes we're better off without the family we're born into. Sometimes we kid ourselves into believing it's us, when it IS them, and have to make the choice to go it "alone" which while mentally and emotionally feels awful initially, it truly doesn't suck as much as being made to feel like $#%^ for being " less than"

And you are MORE than. More than just another statistic. More than them. More strong, more resilient, and most assuredly more capable of being more than you have even realized you deserv bc you're more than your doubts and grief.
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