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Very difficult days and dangerous ideas

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Very difficult days and dangerous ideas

Postby fulano88 » Sun Apr 18, 2021 6:27 am

Hello to everyone,

My life in the last few days I can only describe as extremely difficult and confusing. Due to an irrational fear that I have towards my new boss, and for thinking a lot about an answer, I was almost fired. I am a hard worker, I deliver more than 12 hours a day and I always aspire to work within excellence. But in recent months, this has not been enough, they want to hear my voice and work without clear instructions. Before my voice was suppressed and was micromanaged by my past boss. This is a serious problem, because I have not been able to reprogram my mind and face these challenges.

Beyond all this, I confess to you all that I do not wish to continue existing, it has been my sincere wish for more than 12 years. I have resisted because I imagine the crying of certain relatives when discovering my corpse, and I understand that they do not deserve that treatment from me.

As a homosexual man, alone, without friends, and in a country with no prospect of having a relationship that will pay off. And despite the money I have accumulated, I do not feel any aspiration to move forward with my existence, the above is what always stops me. I live day by day, wrapped in great anxiety and loneliness, with the terrible fear of losing the only thing that dignifies me as a human being: my work. That is why I ask God to grant me a gentle death before i lose my job, so that at last, I can rest in peace.

Thank you for listening to my words. And forgive my bad english, spanish is my native tongue.

I.
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Re: Very difficult days and dangerous ideas

Postby Snaga » Sun Apr 18, 2021 11:00 am

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

I'm sorry that you feel as if your situation can't change. It's been my observation that no state is permanent, however. And, as you said in another post, miracles can occur. Don't give up hope yet for your situation.

If you feel trapped by your sexuality in your own country, do you ever see a chance at emigrating somewhere else? Or at least, entertaining the possibility, if you had the means? Could you set that as a goal?

I agree with your rationale for not ending your own life, by your own hand. I think the grief it causes those left behind makes it one of the most hurtful acts a person can do. Also, what I already wrote- things can change- but once you are dead, you can't undo it.

I understand how important work is to you- I had a job which the idea of losing it would cause me great anxiety and suicidal ideation- I'm OCD, however; and for people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, suicide ideation isn't uncommon- but I suspect rarely, if ever, acted on. I know I had to real desire to lose my job, it's just that the fear of it was so overwhelming that my brain would fixate on death as an escape.

Eventually- I lost my job. Well, along with all my co-workers. And while the future is uncertain and seems hopeless for me, it's amazing what a weight has been lifted off me- that's one thing I don't have to worry about anymore- losing that job.

I don't know the work situation where you are; but there are other jobs.

I'm sorry you say you don't have many friends there- I know burdens are a lot easier, when shared. There are lots of forums here, please check them out, and you might find some places here to talk about what you're having to deal with. Again, welcome to Psych Forums!
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Re: Very difficult days and dangerous ideas

Postby fulano88 » Sun Apr 18, 2021 10:13 pm

Thanks for your words Snaga,

I constantly make prayers to God and his angels, I ask for the cessation of pain. I also ask for peace and prosperity for myself and other people (family, co-workers, and sometimes strangers). There is so much evil in the world, so much pent-up pain that manifests itself in the bad behavior of our colleagues, co-workers, acquaintances, friends, and random people. And it hurts so bad when it manifests itself, as hypocrisy, violence, elitism, lack of compassion, among others.

I am physically and mentally exhausted, because I do not see a way out of my situation other than death itself. I feel like in a prison, in an isolation cell and at the same time like an anchorite by circumstance.

I am dominated by a mixture of concern and optimism, I want to think that in the end everything will end well. On the other hand, I feel condemned by my anxieties, social phobias, my sexual orientation and my loneliness. I do my best to improve, but sometimes i feel i'm climbing Mt. Everest with incomplete equipment.

If I'm finally fired from my job soon, I don't know what I'll do. The humiliation would be too great, as well as the psychological weight of the concern of my relatives that would weigh on me. I pray to God and his angels that he gives
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Re: Very difficult days and dangerous ideas

Postby Snaga » Mon Apr 19, 2021 1:09 am

I am privileged to respond to your post! You seem like a very caring person- it seems irrational to like someone basted on only a couple of posts, but I find myself doing so.

I also learned a new word: anchorite. I had to look it up, and it does seem appropriate.

There is a lot of evil in the world- unfortunately, there's not much we can do about that. All we can do, I suppose is to be a light wherever we find ourselves. It sounds as if you try to do that.

I sympathise re: your sexual orientation- you sound religious, and I understand that can cause some conflict, if you tend to a more orthodox form of religion. I'm Christian. I'm also bisexual. So I understand the conflict. I don't physically act on that side of me- I'm in a relationship with the opposite sex- I felt lucky that I can pick and choose, being Bi. As far as being not heterosexual- I understand that traditional Christianity frowns upon it; but I also feel as if there are other things inside me that are far more important to my spiritual well-being, than who I feel an attraction for. And I feel that's the same for everyone. I don't know if that's watering things down and trying to make excuses; but it seems to me there are things in a person's soul that can be far more damaging to them, than whom they love. As long as one is trying to be chaste and only have sex inside a committed relationship, I'm not sure that is something that would condemn a person.

You mention anxieties and phobias- do you have obsessive-compulsive traits? For me, that would go a long way in explaining this ideation of death and suicide. I'm OCD, and if you look at the OCD forum, you'll see it's very common for people with OCD to express the idea that they'll 'have to kill themselves', or would be 'better off dead', etc.

I don't see that as a real desire to die- merely a desire to run from our anxiety. As someone with OCD, I can ideate suicide a lot- but it's not something I seriously want it to do- I just want my self-torture to stop. There is a difference. I just think we get stuck in the anxiety, and can't see anything else but that idea.

If you're fired from your job- guess what? That job will cease to weigh you down. I had to remind myself of that sometimes, in my job that I worried so much about. Life has a tendency to find a way to go on past what we set up as the Worst Thing In The World. In my case, it was the same as yours- losing my job. And I did- yet here I am.
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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