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Why do I want to die?

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Why do I want to die?

Postby Elian1 » Mon Sep 21, 2020 12:53 am

I'm not sure if this is the spot to put this but...

I feel like life is meaningless and I am frankly fascinated with death. I do not understand why people are afraid of it. I am sort of an agnostic and I would just about kill myself over curiosity.

I can't seem to feel meaning in anything I do. I am trying religion and it's not really working for me so far.

I am 16 and am currently dealing with a porn addiction which seems to have worn me out to the point where I am constantly exhausted and to sleep for infinity would be a pretty good deal.

I often contemplate where and when I would commit suicide or as I like to say orchestrate the conclusion of my life.

I often wonder why I don't feel and purpose even though my life is actually pretty exciting and fun and I am generally a happy person.

However I feel even if I eventually do conquer my addiction, life will be purposeless.
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Re: Why do I want to die?

Postby Snaga » Mon Sep 21, 2020 1:58 am

I think because of the subject matter, even though this doesn't seem to be an actual declaration of doing so, we'll place it where we normally place feelings of suicide that aren't mentions of it in conjunction with OCD.

Well, if you killed yourself over curiosity- you can't do backsies, if you don't care for it...

I see you mention a therapist- do you have any diagnosis for anything? The purposelessness reminds me of depression of one form or another- and I've found that I can have 'surface emotions' and yet still meet the criteria for depression.

I hear that the pandemic's been really hard on young people. It's hard for me to dance around politics (direct discussion of politics is verboten in forum), but it does seem to me that kids have for some time been subjected to a heck of a lot of negativity, then on top of that, 2020 came along and took a huge steaming dump to top it off. Conflicting feelings are common enough in the teen years, without all this crap on top of it. That might explain some of it. Also I've seen where you've been battling porn, and I know that's a hard-fought battle.

I suppose the cliched answers to purposelessness would be to find volunteer work, a part time job, or even a hobby that raises passion in you. Can't hurt.

In the end, as far as the suicide ideation, I'm OCD and we get that a lot with that anxiety disorder. In the end I know I don't want to kill myself. I can't get my money back if I don't like it! I also want to see what happens in the world! I also know that any day above ground is a good day. Things can always improve, if you're alive- but you have to be alive. Unless you believe in reincarnation, we only get one shot at this. I'm considerably older- death comes soon enough, and no one gets off this planet alive. It's a waste, to cut it short.
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Re: Why do I want to die?

Postby Elian1 » Mon Sep 21, 2020 11:02 pm

Thanks you so much for replying nobody else has been that much of a help here.

The pandemic hasn't really effected me. Only two of my three youth groups stopped meeting only for a little while and I do have a part-time job that only was stopped for a few days. My family and friends don't take it all that seriously so we all still meet.

I meet with a license family therapist, and no I haven't been diagnosed. I think I'd be pretty cool if I was. One of the reasons I go to so many social events and am here and am such an open person is because I have been looking forever for someone who understands me. I have so many questions about myself that nobody can answer. Recently I am letting it go, but I still overthink it a lot.

For example. I wrote 10+ pages on why I have a strange motive to be different and odd and why I hate being normal.

Nobody understands me. That pissed me off sometimes.

As far as suicide. I know there is know going back but why would you want to? Part of it is just that I am oh so tired.

I have a cast of imaginary characters who keep me company and make so many funny jokes. I talk to them a lot. They are imaginary though, so I have complete control over what they do. It's not like schizophrenia or whatever. So they'll make jokes about how I struggle with hebephilia, or how I sexually objectify my siblings. They do this all the time, even when and right after I am relapsing and a lot when crazy $#%^ is happening in my life.
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Re: Why do I want to die?

Postby CammieMe » Tue Sep 22, 2020 3:08 am

Killing oneself is the saddest feeling there is. I think instead of asking why one wants to die, think of the reasons one still have to continue living.
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Re: Why do I want to die?

Postby Snaga » Tue Sep 22, 2020 5:10 am

I think someone who could give a diagnosis would be a great help for you. There are several things that come to mind, listening to you.
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Re: Why do I want to die?

Postby thegentlepath » Tue Sep 22, 2020 1:51 pm

Hi Elian1,

So you’re wanting to replace pornography addiction with organized religion? The answer to why you want to kill yourself is right there. I’d want to kill myself too if those were the only two options available to me. Maybe try to branch out some? Wanting to suicide at 16 years old is like walking out of a movie because you don’t like the previews. These are just my opinions though, I could be wrong. Good luck.
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Re: Why do I want to die?

Postby Snaga » Tue Sep 22, 2020 4:22 pm

I would think, for an agnostic, looking for a supernatural belief system that resonates, is a viable option. Although there's been no solace in it so far- and that seems to be related to the greater feeling of meaninglessness, unless I've missed something?

In which case we might suspect that the porn addiction is more about filling up a hole, perhaps.

thegentlepath wrote:Wanting to suicide at 16 years old is like walking out of a movie because you don’t like the previews.


Whew that exactly. ^^ I know as a teen I had suicidal thoughts but from the perspective of 'old person', it's like you really don't want to do that!! A whole life to live, and unless you're really sold on reincarnation, you don't get do-overs, afterlife or not. Even with reincarnation, there's only one You, one iteration of Elian, as Elian. That's a priceless gift.

I'm reluctant to throw out labels, but I can see glimpses of things in your reply, Elian, that make me really want to see you go consult with someone with the ability to make a diagnosis. I have a feeling- just a feeling, but still- that some names could be placed on some of what makes you, you. And knowledge is power.
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Re: Why do I want to die?

Postby Elian1 » Tue Sep 22, 2020 11:47 pm

CammieMe wrote:Killing oneself is the saddest feeling there is. I think instead of asking why one wants to die, think of the reasons one still have to continue living.


Ok well, they way I see it it's not really that sad. So either your wrong, and one can feel suicide apart from sadness. Or I am a professional at hiding/repressing/suppressing my emotions.

I have the sense it is the later. This also would fit into that speculation: https://www.psychforums.com/topic217572.html
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Re: Why do I want to die?

Postby Snaga » Wed Sep 23, 2020 4:22 am

Killing oneself is also indescribably selfish and mean, if you have anyone at all that cares for you. A person would have to be really and truly all alone in this world, for their death at their own hands, to not affect someone. In the end, I'm merely dramatically OCD- I ideate suicide frequently, but have no true desire to go thru with it- it's just how a lot of us react to stress in the OCD forum.

If I did have the desire and the physical courage/will, the thing that would stop me, would be that it would hurt those closest to me- it is, in the end, a very unkind, even mean, thing to do. Family or loved ones, deserve better from me.
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Re: Why do I want to die?

Postby Elian1 » Wed Sep 23, 2020 2:30 pm

Snaga wrote:Killing oneself is also indescribably selfish and mean.


The problem with trying to reason me out with stuff like this is that by saying that it will hurt those around me and that I can not go back you are implying that I have the goal of a healthily happy family and the freedom of life. However, if I view everything as purposeless then I do not value those things and your arguments against my suicide have no merit.

As of now I will most likely not off myself any time soon. I think it's kind of cowardly to off myself while I have an addiction(not to mention unoriginal). By the time I find freedom, and if I do. I may once more find meaning.

Right now however, I like the idea that you should not kill yourself because future you will find a reason not to.
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