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Do you remember why you self harmed?

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Do you remember why you self harmed?

Postby JackDoe » Wed Jun 17, 2020 5:56 am

I think i do but every time i try to remember the details become distorted. like a painful memory trying to be hidden. when i was 14 i think i did it because i wanted to have powers in my dreams. as silly as it sounds.
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Re: Do you remember why you self harmed?

Postby sarahwpen » Thu Sep 10, 2020 8:25 pm

I used to sometimes forget. I think sometimes that was why I did it; I did it so I could forget about the stressors and trauma that was presently occurring in my life at the time. When I was a teen I wrote music and released pain that way sometimes. When there were hurts that I was unable to express that way, and I felt no autonomy over my situation, I did cut a few times. When I got older, I neglected my own few healthy coping mechanisms, and there came some triggering events in my life that cornered me into a very isolated place where I began cutting much more than I did as a teen. I usually did it as a way to get an adrenaline rush that would enable me to Shove all my emotions further down inside and continue the charade that was my miserable predicament.

Once I had gotten my fix and moved on from that emotional crisis, I would often wake up the next day and see the evidence on my arm and be somewhat confused at first. I sometimes wouldn’t remember doing it at all, and sometimes I just wouldn’t remember the specifics of how I’d decided to do that.
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Re: Do you remember why you self harmed?

Postby Snaga » Fri Sep 11, 2020 4:02 am

I don't remember the initial times I self-harmed, as either a teen, or a young adult.

Later in life, I remember quite well when I resumed self-harm, and why. I behaved, as CS Lewis might have put it, 'quite shabbily' about something, and the resulting angst/remorse, drove me over the edge. After that, it quickly became a way of dealing with wider anxiety spikes, until I had to wean myself off it (I was starting to attract unwanted attention).
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Re: Do you remember why you self harmed?

Postby lilyfairy » Sat Sep 19, 2020 11:39 am

I haven't posted here in a while. It's been a bit triggery for me.

First time was because I just needed to hurt. Make what I was feeling real and not all in my head.

Since then it's been more out of being self destructive. I'd do more/worse because I felt I had to "compete" with other people around me- at one time I was involved in something of a group therapy situation which included three other young women same age as me who also harmed. The support/understanding was great, but feeling the unspoken need to out-do someone else was really not healthy. Or because I couldn't communicate that I was doing badly/worse than usual. I'd also do it while dissociated to try to feel something, which I would momentarily, but then I'd dissociate the pain I'd caused too, so it didn't really achieve anything anyhow.

I am not an attention seeking person, but I would sometimes harm the night before therapy or Dr's appts- I think again because I couldn't otherwise communicate where my head was at. How much I'd harmed was an indicator.
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Re: Do you remember why you self harmed?

Postby Snaga » Sat Sep 19, 2020 5:31 pm

lilyfairy wrote:I am not an attention seeking person


I used to be in some ways, but never that.

I know a fellow who has his own issues (including anger management) and he's also in the periphery of the medical field (a first responder of sorts) and he's a gigantic know-it-all. Over at my house one time and he insisted- insisted- that all self-harm is attention seeking. And I had to stand there and listen to his drivel. At the time I was at my greatest peak of SH- I was in the habit of doing light burns with a heated tool- they gave the appearance of scratches- lots of scratches... and had them all over the backs of my legs at the time- and I was wearing shorts because I'm just so not the popular stereotype of who would SH, and so impudently thought I would go unnoticed- I did not, and that, more than anything else, was why I made myself stop. But that's a tangent. Back to my guest. All about attention (he himself is very much the type that likes to be paid attention to)... and I had to keep my tongue in my mouth. I had this self-destructive urge to point at my legs and say Oh Yeah??? I did THIS!

Which of course would have completely proved his point....

Never for attention- attention, is what made me stop. But I definitely understand the wanting to wear them as a... hair shirt? Sackcloth and ashes? To show the inner angst and self-torment. To express without words, that torment inside my head. Yet, paradoxically, not wanting the people that knew me, to see it. It's like want to show it- but only to people that understand?
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Re: Do you remember why you self harmed?

Postby lilyfairy » Sun Sep 20, 2020 7:47 am

Snaga wrote:Never for attention- attention, is what made me stop. But I definitely understand the wanting to wear them as a... hair shirt? Sackcloth and ashes? To show the inner angst and self-torment. To express without words, that torment inside my head. Yet, paradoxically, not wanting the people that knew me, to see it. It's like want to show it- but only to people that understand?
Attention from people who I didn't want to see it made me take to harming in less obvious places. It was hidden under clothes and I'd only disclose or show them to a certain one or two people I trusted and who wouldn't judge.
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Re: Do you remember why you self harmed?

Postby Snaga » Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:37 pm

Yeah I didn't know anyone who wouldn't judge. But for a while I was able to get away with it with lame explanations- because I don't fit the expected demographic.
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