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I think Self Harm is helping keep me here

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I think Self Harm is helping keep me here

Postby suresuresure » Wed Jul 24, 2019 6:15 am

Hi all, im new here, to this site. This post may never make it through protocol. And i know SH is destructive, (part of the point for me at least) but it feels helpful for me. Sadly. Feels preventative sometimes. Just curious if anyone out there feels the same. No worries either way. Take care everyone
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Re: I think Self Harm is helping keep me here

Postby birdsong87 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 8:23 pm

you know, self-harm is a kind of coping. it is not super good coping because it creates other problems instead of solving anything, but coping it is nevertheless.
and it is sometimes called para-suidical behavior because it rarely is suidical in nature, it is often preventing suicide actively because it brings some kind of relief.
nobody is judging self-harm for not being effective to help us when we don't know any better skills to cope. totally works.
the long-term effects kind of suck. so it would be worth learning other coping skills at some point.
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Re: I think Self Harm is helping keep me here

Postby suresuresure » Fri Aug 02, 2019 7:06 am

I wont argue that its a "good" coping mechanism. naturally it is destructive. And finding something more beneficial and 'healthy' is, of course, ideal. my thought was only that ive found this thing,(that im embarrassed by), but that it helps with some of those moments that are uncontrollable in other ways. i dunno. i argue that im only hurting myself, and im ok with that, for now. and for now it keeps those darker intentions at bay. shrug. just thinking out loud, i suppose
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Re: I think Self Harm is helping keep me here

Postby Snaga » Fri Aug 02, 2019 4:45 pm

One of the things that triggers my self-harm is loss of control over things, so I get you there. When my desire to avoid the negative aspects of self-harm, became greater than the desire to, it got easier for me. But for a while I was self-harming pretty regularly. It's like any other addiction- it's... when I do self-harm, I have to watch that I don't slip back into it hard because it does become a craving.
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Re: I think Self Harm is helping keep me here

Postby suresuresure » Mon Aug 05, 2019 4:16 am

The need/craving for it, is definitely a new experience. when i started years ago (before i considered it a 'thing' that i did) it was more intermittent. the last year+ though, ive noticed it becomes a "solution' more often than not. which is something i guess i never anticipated. but again, i feel like its a self contained "me" thing, so im not that concerned about it? because who cares? was more just curious if others felt like it helped them stay, here? or at least grounded. not that im advocating self harm. Was just curious if anyone in the community at large was feeling something similar.
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Re: I think Self Harm is helping keep me here

Postby lilyfairy » Mon Aug 05, 2019 5:18 am

I haven't self harmed for quite a while. Or at least I haven't cut anyway. I've probably been destructive in other ways.

I used to do it as an outlet for feelings I couldn't deal with. These days I tend to just dissociate them more. But it was what I did when I hit my limit. It stopped me from going further I think. My SH was never a suicide attempt, and I would never harm when suicidal, which was not a conscious decision, it was just that if I was suicidal, I didn't have the energy to do it, but it was an outlet that stopped me from doing worse. It just let the pressure out a bit until it built up again. Usually it happened after a trigger I couldn't deal with.

I would try to use it to ground myself, but that was a bit of a vicious cycle- I'd be dissociating, then harm to feel something, but then I'd go back to dissociating and not feeling what I'd just done. But yes, it kept me here, and it got me through a difficult time (emotional abuse), where I didn't know how else to cope. My therapist and doctor used to say "as long as you're keeping safe" they could see it was the option between bad and worse. I wouldn't advocate it either, but yes, it's a coping mechanism.
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Re: I think Self Harm is helping keep me here

Postby Snaga » Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:03 am

Nope not the best coping method in the world, but it could be worse. What's odd about it, to me- is that most of my SH has been probably pretty mild, compared to some here- I don't cut, I burn, and very lightly using heated objects- very light (usually) very contained, controlled, and purposely done so that it doesn't cause harm beyond a light scar.

The old substitute of snapping a rubber band on one's wrist, actually hurts way more that the vast majority of the burns I've done, if done enough times. And yet... it's not the same, because it's not about the pain- it's part of it, and I do feel the little rush when I SH, but apparently it's in the idea of actual self-harm that leaves a mark, even though I get self-conscious about such marks. If it were simply pain, a rubber band would suffice.
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Re: I think Self Harm is helping keep me here

Postby suresuresure » Mon Aug 05, 2019 7:34 am

Thank you. Apologizes if interfaces got confused.
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Re: I think Self Harm is helping keep me here

Postby suresuresure » Wed Aug 07, 2019 3:35 am

Ya, the physical marks (bruises, cuts, etc.) are definitely a big part of it, which is a little counter intuitive since i find them embarrassing and difficult to excuse. (they're for me, not anyone else, but ya). Anyway, i appreciate you all taking the time to respond and shed some light on it and on your own experiences. Thanks.
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Re: I think Self Harm is helping keep me here

Postby Snaga » Wed Aug 07, 2019 1:36 pm

suresuresure wrote:Ya, the physical marks (bruises, cuts, etc.) are definitely a big part of it, which is a little counter intuitive since i find them embarrassing and difficult to excuse. (they're for me, not anyone else, but ya)


Precisely. The desire to mark oneself up as we feel we deserve to be, yet the desire they not be noticed. I've noticed, they tend to get noticed... which, at the height of my addiction to it, I found infuriating.
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Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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