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About to fall down again.

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About to fall down again.

Postby darthpedra » Sat Jun 01, 2019 3:58 am

Hello. I'm absolutely NOT sure whether I should post here, anywhere else, or if I should even post this somewhere. I simply found this pretty interesting site while searching about schizoid personality disorder, which I might have (my psychiatrist says I'm not quite there, but I should be careful, otherwise I might go over the edge; and I on the other hand feel like I'm there already). ANYWAY this is out of topic. Thing is, I've been cutting myself for quite a few years, trying not to be obvious (even if I literally find the scars aesthetically pleasing). I thought I was over that once I got out of my teenage stage - it wasn't literally over, I simply felt less induced to doing it. Now I've moved out of my parents house almost a year ago, which is SO good for me. I thought I was cutting because I couldn't deal with all the feelings I had in my house (all the fights, the anger, guilt, sadness, whatever). Turns out it wasn't like that because I've already cut in my new apparment, even if I feel so happy living alone (they were *mod edit* cuts on my back).
The reason I'm writing here, right now? I have this ######6 "itch" to CUT MY ######6 CHEEK. Like a *mod edit*. And that's obviously a no-go for obvious reasons. I've never felt like I wanted to cut my face, and I thought it was something I could get over, if I felt happy or something... Well. I'm drunk, "happy", and I wanna cut my freaking cheek. I want to rip it off my face.

TL;DR I'm simply releasing a bit of my feelings.
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Jun 02, 2019 1:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: please avoid exact descriptions of severity/size of self harm, thanks
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Re: About to fall down again.

Postby Snaga » Sun Jun 02, 2019 1:35 am

Hello and welcome!

I think like a lot of behaviours, it can become a bit of an addiction. I know when I decide to SH, it feels very good in the moment, also I can, and have, self-harmed for a variety of reasons, including just being tired and wanting a bit of an energy boost.... it sounds as if it goes deeper than simply unhappiness at home, for you. It could be a comforting behaviour, something familar and 'safe', it could be boredom- far as I can tell, people will SH about all sorts of things, once they've got hooked on it. I know the longer I go without doing SH, the easier it is to resist the temptation to do so. But if you're really used to having done it in the past, well, to me it's like having a drinking problem... do in once, and you want more, right? That's how I see it in myself.
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Re: About to fall down again.

Postby darthpedra » Sun Jun 02, 2019 1:56 am

@Snaga, thank you so much for your answer and for having moderated my post lol. I literally forgot about this until I got the e-mail confirming it was up. I really appreciate your words, I don't know why. Even if a stranger knows about it and understands, it makes me feel better (I think this is literally the ONLY secret I've never told ANYONE I know).
And yes, I agree with the belief that the more you do it, the harder it is to let it go. That's why I was so surprised the night I posted that. I had been a couple years without doing it (appart from those on my back, which I mentioned) and to suddenly feel such a need to harm my face... why? It does indeed feel like an addiction. Which you can have "controlled", then suddenly feel urges, and... it's up to you whether you fall down again or not.
I had this naive idea that I would literally never feel the need to do it again (the last few times I've done it I felt very ashamed and regretful after), but it seems I was mistaken.
Anyway, I again thank you for taking the time to read the post (first time I ever "spoke" about my SH outloud) and answer with your opinion.
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Re: About to fall down again.

Postby Snaga » Sun Jun 02, 2019 4:24 pm

darthpedra wrote:(the last few times I've done it I felt very ashamed and regretful after)


When I SH, I feel a combination of release and shame. Rather like just having masturbated to completion with porn, when you have conflicted feelings about it. I'm not a drug user, so that's the closest I can come, but I would imagine more than one drug addict has felt the same sense of pleasure mixed with shame when they pull the needle back out.
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Re: About to fall down again.

Postby ArchCannon » Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:55 am

I mean, you say you've moved out a year ago, so living on your own is prolly a relatively new situation. So sh might act like some warm, soft, familiar cushion in a new (and therefore somewhat scary) environment. Something you've known for a while now.

As far as cutting your cheek goes, I had a similar "itch" at some point myself. Where do you think does it stem from?
Do you want to convey some message this way?
Does it have something to do with your looks?
They have something to believe in, and that is all they need.
It's not that much. But it's also everything.
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