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Help With Self Harm and Relationship

Open discussions about Cutting and Self Injury. This forum may be triggering.

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Help With Self Harm and Relationship

Postby lookingforsimilarh » Wed Aug 15, 2018 7:36 pm

I haven't really read any topics on this site yet so I don't really know how this all works but here it goes. I am a college student, I have been in a serious relationship for a number of years now and have always dealt with an eating disorder...however, recently I started self harm. My Significant other is caring and loving all the time but I am worried they will not understand or know how to talk or deal with it if they see my cuts or scars. I feel especially bad since it started while we were already dating and I don't want them to think it is their fault. I am also scared we won't be able to get past it and it would ruin out relationship. Lastly, I don't know how to hide it during sex. I know 'turn the lights off' etc. but they could still see it and feel it and I don't know how things would end up. I just want to know....
1) How would you hide it?
2) How would you let them know ahead of time so its not a shock during sex?
3) How would you make sure to let them know its not their fault?
4) How do you think things would end up? (its been years that we have been together, they are sweet and loving and all that, its a good relationship I think)
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Re: Help With Self Harm and Relationship

Postby Shattered Mind » Thu Aug 16, 2018 3:35 pm

Hi, I have been out of school for a few years now, but when I was in college I had a long term bf and my SH was ....well bad. I was cutting before I met him so he always knew it wasn't about him specifically. Anyway when it became obvious we were going to be intimate I stopped him, told him about my SH and let him see my scars. It was embarrassing, scary, and upsetting, but it went okay. I talked about why I cut for a bit afterwards.

lookingforsimilarh wrote:How would you hide it?

I never considered hiding it. I may have been able to get away without him seeing them a couple of times, but I cut on my arm and from a couple inches away they would be very obvious.

lookingforsimilarh wrote:How would you let them know ahead of time so its not a shock during sex?

I would not wait until he discovers your cuts. If he discovers them during sex its likely to be upsetting and awkward for both of you. Thats really not a memory you want to have with you. Also I think it helps to plan out what you are going to say and to tell him when you are more or less prepared for it. You are probably going to have to do most of the talking. Also I think its less shocking if you can tell him they cuts exist before he sees them. Based on how he responds you can decide on when to allow him to see the scars.

lookingforsimilarh wrote:How would you make sure to let them know its not their fault?

You cut for a reason. I cut mostly because of stress, anxiety and self hate, but whatever your reasons are you need to explain it to him. Unfortunately I have cut because of things my bf had said or did to me. If you see any possibility of doing the same don't promise never to do it because of him. Instead let him know that he is not responsible for what you do to yourself. The thing is its a fine line and he may not see a difference.

lookingforsimilarh wrote:How do you think things would end up? (its been years that we have been together, they are sweet and loving and all that, its a good relationship I think)

I don't think he'll leave you over it, but he is likely to be upset and ask you to promise to stop which you'll agree to. Its when you can't and break that promise that the problems in the relationship really start. Self harm is addictive. Don't make that promise unless you are 100% sure you can keep it. What you should agree to is to get help for yourself. Something is causing you to do this and you need to address that. How large is the college you are attending? Unless its a smaller school they likely have a psychologist you can talk to. They are used to this and can help.

Take care
Dx: Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder
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