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Help Understanding A Situation

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Help Understanding A Situation

Postby kbb0 » Mon Jul 16, 2018 5:51 am

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum but I've been dealing with severe mental health issues (Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety, ADHD, sexual trauma I can't remember, self injury, an eating disorder) for about 11 years and I've come a very long way from where I started. I'm actually happy, functional and healthy now (not perfect but still good). After about 7 years of experimenting with drug after drug I finally found a medication that helps me. The only problem is that after about a year I built up a tolerance to it to the point where it was like I was unmedicated again.

So onto my confusion. When it first happened I waited too long to find a new psychiatrist as my old one was retiring and while I was waiting I self harmed again after about 4 years of not doing it. It was because I was feeling extremely anxious about going to work the next day and I sent a text to one of my coworkers asking if she could cover my shift and telling her why. After waiting about 20 minutes for a response, I started thinking that she thought I was exaggerating my anxiety to get out of doing work or she thought I was just looking for attention, and I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I punched the wall repeatedly (often the reason I used to self harm was to make others see that my emotional pain was real by making it physical). Then a minute later I got a response saying that she would be happy to cover my shift and for me to feel better and I just started sobbing. But not because I was happy. It made me feel horrible and disgusting.

I'm not good at understanding my own emotions or putting into words why I feel the things I do, so I was wondering if any of you might be able to help me verbalize why I felt bad afterwards. I feel like I should have been happy and relieved but if anything I only felt worse.

Sorry for the long post, I appreciate you reading. (By the way I've been back on the wagon for almost 9 months now :) )
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Re: Help Understanding A Situation

Postby Sjord » Sat Jul 21, 2018 7:00 pm

First of all, well done for going so long without self harm in the first place. And 9 months now is very well done. Keep it up!

There can be a number of things that made you feel bad afterwards. I can only mention a couple of guesses that could have applied for me in a similar situation. SH only gives temporary relief, after it usually makes things worse, you feel guilt, embarassment and all kinds of negative emotions. And asking for a day off has always been my nightmare, I feel like such a failiure, burden and off goes all kinds of negative emotions again.

I dunno. Does anything sound familiar?
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