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*TW* My Self Harm

Open discussions about Cutting and Self Injury. This forum may be triggering.

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*TW* My Self Harm

Postby ItsDoug » Thu May 10, 2018 10:01 am

*** TRIGGER WARNING ***

Hi everyone,

I was told by a Doctor that telling my story on a forum such as this could help, so here goes.

If I'm honest I actually thought (rather ignorantly I admit) that I would not be the sort of person to go through this. I'm almost 30 with a good career, a great family and a close network of friends plus my best friend is my flatmate. I had a bout of depression around a decade ago but I had a lot going on at the time.

Fast forward to now. Anxiety has been creeping up with work being stressful and I've been worrying about other people in my family as they are dealing with some real issues. For the last few months I have been feeling increasingly down and distant from everything/everyone around me and have had almost zero motivation for anything productive. An overwhelming feeling has been that I am some sort of 'fraud' both in my professional and private life, this has lead to a feeling that I'd eventually be found out and I'd lose my job and my friends (to be fair, I am not at all qualified for the job I have) I'm not too sure why but I started cutting, which gradually got worse to the point my flatmate had to call an ambulance for urgent care. I was put in touch with the local mental health team who will be organising therapy for me but for now I'm still cutting. It gives me a release, a physical/visual feeling that I crave for some unknown reason. I know what I'm doing is wrong but I can't stop myself at the moment. If I told everyone around me about this I'd imagine they'd be shocked at first. I can't seem to place why exactly I do this, sometimes it feels like self punishment, sometimes it feels like I'm chasing a rush (almost like an addict) and sometimes it just feels like the only way to feel anything.

Maybe you guys can relate to this, maybe you can't. I'm looking forward to reading the other threads on here and hopefully speaking to a few people.

Ps. Sorry for the long post but I did find typing this out rather therapeutic
Last edited by shock_the_monkey on Thu May 10, 2018 10:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: added trigger warnings.
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Re: My Self Harm

Postby shock_the_monkey » Thu May 10, 2018 10:33 am

ItsDoug wrote:I can't seem to place why exactly I do this, sometimes it feels like self punishment, sometimes it feels like I'm chasing a rush (almost like an addict) and sometimes it just feels like the only way to feel anything.

... i imagine it could be all of these things. however, i'm wondering if you're angry with yourself and you're turning that anger inward and becoming self-destructive. that's why i used to hit my leg that has a congenitally dislocated hip. i used to get so angry with it that i'd now and again give it a good bashing, which, i imagine, is more painful and less destructive than cutting.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: *TW* My Self Harm

Postby ItsDoug » Thu May 10, 2018 10:42 am

Thank you for reading.

Sometimes I am angry when I do it, the worst instances have been when I was angry. I can't really place my anger though. I tend to get angry with myself when I get upset or dissapointed by events or people in my life and this has at times lead to harming myself.
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