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I really need help now

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I really need help now

Postby voracious_lemon » Wed Apr 25, 2018 9:46 pm

I can't get 3D help because I tried and my old doctor is after me again. I don't want to die, so I'm never seeing another doctor until I know for sure he is dead. I want to make sure of that myself, but I know no one will really understand and I don't want to be in jail. There are probably friends of his in there.

Anyway, with pdocs go ahead, I stopped my meds two months ago. At first it was the greatest thing, I had energy to do things other than sleep and watch cartoons, I lost 20 pounds and now I don't need to buy new winter equipment (skis and snowshoe sizing is weight dependent), if someone said a funny joke, I would laugh, and my critical and creative thinking abilities came back.
Now I'm scared. There are at least four doctors (probably more, I don't know how widespread this is atm) in the area I know of who will kill me the second they get a chance, the pharmacists are probably in on it too. Two days ago I was having the time of my life and hiked a new mountain, and today I feel like I'm trapped beneath a boulder just waiting for it to crush me to death.
There are people hiding everyone, I can see them beneath the rugs and behind the curtains. I don't want to live like this again. I don't even think this is med related because my diagnosis is bipolar and I don't have any manic or depressive symptoms. I will also never take another drug again because I want to live, there has to be a safe place for me somewhere. I will take all my money out of the bank and sell all my possessions to be safe from them. I don't care if I get mauled and killed by a grizzly bear, I just don't want people doing it for funsies.
All I saw was the Devil's soul
And it looked a helluva lot like my own
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Re: I really need help now

Postby Snaga » Sun May 06, 2018 2:42 pm

How're you feeling now? I saw where you felt you might be hypomanic recently, but how're you feeling about these thoughts you've written about here?
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Re: I really need help now

Postby voracious_lemon » Mon May 07, 2018 12:02 pm

Some of it was a little too black and white for my thinking today. "I'm never seeing another doctor..." well I saw my dermatologist the other day and survived. I don't think she's in on it. I know it's at least two psychiatrists, my GP, and a previous back doctor I saw years ago. I have a strong feeling local pharmacists are involved as well. But my dermatologist won't kill me with drugs; she doesn't have a reason to.
I don't think I'm hypomanic anymore. I slept well and I feel calm. Well, felt calm until I started thinking about how I really need to be careful about where I go, what I eat, and who I'm around because I'm a target.
I'm really bummed because now I can't go back to group. They go on walks so I probably should avoid that entire section of town between noon and 4pm. I want to have an irl support group, but not if it costs me my life!
I'm less stressed though because even though I don't want to die today, I thought about how it's going to happen one day. I mean, they might not even actually kill me until 2019 and there's hundreds of ways I could die today. If I were to stress myself out about people who want to kill me, I should also be stressing out about how slippery the bathroom floor is and collapsing bridges, which I'm not going to because it's pointless. Now I'm not going to put myself in harms way by going back to group, just like I'm not going to camp out under a bridge or shower every single day and use the most slippery soap in the universe even if it's in one way or another the best.

But maybe I should go to group. I feel like being murdered is a hell of a lot more badass way to go than flu complications or getting hit by a car. And it'll give the police something to do. Maybe psychiatry as a whole will be found out and get turned upside down, finally. Or the government is in on it. It's probably the latter, but maybe they'll be found out too. I have notebooks full of me writing family, media, etc in the event of something happening involving me not being around to explain it to everyone, so at least I know my loved ones will know what happened.
If I go to group, it'll be the last thing on my to do list :wink:
All I saw was the Devil's soul
And it looked a helluva lot like my own
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Re: I really need help now

Postby Snaga » Mon May 07, 2018 3:42 pm

If my mental exercise in past lives is anything, I've been murdered a time or two. It wasn't fun, rather sordid, actually, the last time.

Why do they want to kill you? And would they dare to do it in group, with witnesses? Wouldn't that be a cheeky move on your part to show up for group and defy them? Kinda 'in your face'....
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Re: I really need help now

Postby voracious_lemon » Mon May 07, 2018 4:20 pm

Long story short, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, said the wrong words and made the wrong actions and it's going to happen again at their expense.

I don't think they would do in in the building because that's just a bad business move, I'm more so concerned about before and after.
All I saw was the Devil's soul
And it looked a helluva lot like my own
voracious_lemon
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Re: I really need help now

Postby voracious_lemon » Mon May 14, 2018 5:23 pm

I'm thinking about just going. I still haven't. I've had a thought that it could be paranoia as opposed to reality, and I'm the person who thought a magnet in my foot controlled earthquakes so... But I saw someone, an older person (it's mostly adolescents there and I don't think there's ever been a client over 26) and after I gave him a weird look he hid. Why would he be there and why would he not show his face to me again if he wasn't up to something?

Now I'm questioning reality. Either it's a fricken scary world and I'm not going to live long or nothing is real. The plan for today was getting smashed but I'm elderly-sitting and self harmed instead. That was real so I must be a future murder victim.

My head hurts.
All I saw was the Devil's soul
And it looked a helluva lot like my own
voracious_lemon
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Re: I really need help now

Postby Snaga » Mon May 14, 2018 9:44 pm

Speaking as someone who is themselves very paranoid, I'd like to think, that this is paranoia, sweetie. Surely if someone(s) wanted you dead, you would be already.

I know it's much easier to tell someone it's their imagination, than it is to be in it, and tell oneself that. I know I feel my paranoid ideas and my suspicions are very valid.
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Re: I really need help now

Postby voracious_lemon » Fri May 18, 2018 12:06 pm

Thanks for the responses. I went to group yesterday and they said the man I saw was never there. They think I should get back on my meds. I'm going back next week. They were supportive but concerned and told me I'm the best at persevering they've ever seen. It felt good.
All I saw was the Devil's soul
And it looked a helluva lot like my own
voracious_lemon
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Re: I really need help now

Postby Snaga » Sat May 19, 2018 3:31 pm

:)
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