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This entire post is a trigger warning, it's a vent

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This entire post is a trigger warning, it's a vent

Postby AdamMZ » Fri Mar 30, 2018 4:41 pm

I need help. I don't know what to say. I tried to get help. But I can't. Because I just don't know what to say. I have no one. I have no one who I can talk to, vent to. It's lonely. I want to kill myself. I'm sorry. This is just really hard. Mods say I should post this in specific forum but you know most of them are inactive so what's the point? I'm lonely. I got nothing. I guess that's the reason why I think I have DID but I don't. I don't have any. Because I'm lonely and I prefer to play alone. I'm more of an autistic person than someone with DID. But I hate this. I hate being autistic. I hate being alone.

Recently, I saw someone who made better art than me. She is 3 years younger than me. I don't know why but I hate her. I feel jealous of her. Now she's way more popular than me. Made me angry. Really just ruined me.

*sigh Why do I exist?

... aight then.
Last edited by seabreezeblue on Fri Mar 30, 2018 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved from the DID section.. no further changes.. pm also sent to explain.
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Re: This entire post is a trigger warning, it's a vent

Postby AdamMZ » Fri Mar 30, 2018 10:48 pm

I posted that very late at night. I fell asleep at 1:30 am. Now I woke up, feeling less sad. I can finally try to let go my emotional side a little bit and try to find for solution more logically.

The cause of this problem is me feeling extremely jealous towards other people's art. I love drawing and recently I focused on digital painting and animating too but I feel extremely jealous at other people's work. No matter how much I told myself about handling jealousy, I will still feel jealous. And I was angry because art is suppose to be fun and not like this.

But recently, I thought up of a solution. I followed people on twitter and instagram for inspirations, so why don't I go to artstation.com instead? I can easily ignore their usernames, there are so many professional art there, and people go there for something more professional stuff and not casual meaning I won't see a normal lengthy conversation there that made me feel bad because I'm not a normal person. If I were to find inspirations for animation, I'll go to Youtube and search for 3D animations or go to Newgrounds. (Don't go to Newgrounds. It's more for mature people) So yeah, I already unfollowed a lot of people on both twitter and instagram. I don't wanna see their art or their daily normal life again. (Besides, I wasted my time a lot on Twitter and instagram every morning)

So basically, my solution to jealousy is to embrace loneliness? Look, most of the time in my life, I don't feel anything about being lonely. I don't feel sad when I watch Youtube videos alone, or drawing alone, or doing everything alone. Yeah, at some point I do need someone to help me which is why I don't live in a separate house. I live with my family. Even though they suck at taking care of me, at least they are there. At least they leave me alone.

Well, there's nothing else to say now. Let's see if this works.
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Re: This entire post is a trigger warning, it's a vent

Postby Snaga » Sat Mar 31, 2018 1:31 am

I'm glad you're feeling better. For me, oftentimes, the dark, wee hours are the worst, when my thoughts carry me to black places.

Have you considered speaking with a professional, about this jealousy? No matter how good a person is, at something, there will always be a better... Part of life is knowing that and being okay with it. The way i see it, the way i have to see it is that all that i can expect from myself, is to try and do my best. That's all anyone can do.

Not that i don't understand. Just other day i was bleakly thinking how i excel at nothing, it seems. But being jealous won't change things, just make me bitter. Life's too short for that.
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Re: This entire post is a trigger warning, it's a vent

Postby AdamMZ » Sat Mar 31, 2018 2:46 am

Unfortunately, I can't get help. I live in a place where getting mental help isn't a huge deal. Which is fine I guess?

And I agree, when those sad feelings came all the sudden, it just sucks. It made me think and do things I know I shouldn't do.

Snaga wrote:The way i see it, the way i have to see it is that all that i can expect from myself, is to try and do my best. That's all anyone can do.


Yeah. I've read people say this many times that I shouldn't compare myself to other people. Just because there's someone who can do better than you and improve faster, that doesn't mean you're not doing as best as you can. Each person has their own race. We're not suppose to race each other because everyone has their own race track, maybe some people have shorter race tracks, some have longer. But whatever it is, you're not running slowly. You're just right on time.
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Re: This entire post is a trigger warning, it's a vent

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sat Mar 31, 2018 3:06 am

i don't want to throw too much of a curve ball in here. however, from my panenthiest perspective, god is everything and we're all parts of that everything. it's difficult for me to believe that anyone is better or worse than anyone else when, effectively, we're really all each other.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: This entire post is a trigger warning, it's a vent

Postby AdamMZ » Sat Mar 31, 2018 3:28 am

Mhm. No one is worthless. We have our own ways of contributing to society.
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Re: This entire post is a trigger warning, it's a vent

Postby AdamMZ » Sat Mar 31, 2018 7:34 am

This is just hard. This is so hard. I hate having emotions. But you know, at least this feeling I have is not as strong as before. Things like this make me think "I wanna talk to someone" but I don't know how to start, I don't know what to say, and it seems so pointless. I don't wanna talk to someone.
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Re: This entire post is a trigger warning, it's a vent

Postby Snaga » Sat Mar 31, 2018 7:55 am

If you don't want to post in forum, at least think about resuming your blog, or keeping a paper journal. I find it helps me to at least write things down and get them out.
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Re: This entire post is a trigger warning, it's a vent

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sat Mar 31, 2018 1:42 pm

bottling things up is never helpful. people so easily get things blown up out of all proportions when they do that. cutting yourself off from other people will only lead you to a darker place within yourself.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: This entire post is a trigger warning, it's a vent

Postby Snaga » Sat Mar 31, 2018 2:02 pm

Agreed. My thoughts are much stranger, when I'm isolated.
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Life is short- make of it what you can, while you can.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
User avatar
Snaga
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Posts: 14667
Joined: Fri Jun 27, 2014 1:58 pm
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