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NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Sun Oct 08, 2017 1:51 am

Saturday has not been a good day for me. I went to bed last night at about 11pm and was hyperventilating with panic until l fell asleep. Got woken up at 2.30pm Saturday. My mood started off bad and l had a bit of a go at the two members of staff who were trying to help me wash and dress. They are my two least favourite members of staff.

Because l was starting the day late, l started my can ration at 4.pm and had the last one at about 8.45pm. I spent all day yesterday feeling on edge and trying to run away from myself, but as l already know, l can't run away from myself. My problems go round and round in my head on an almost endless loop.

Today, l snapped at a couple of the residents. I don't remember what it was about.

I decided last night(Saturday)to take my sleeping meds earlier, but they didn't kick in. So once again, here l am at 2.45am not tired and still up.. I just can't get a normal sleeping pattern. I need to watch myself closely overnight as l may just slip up.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby Snaga » Sun Oct 08, 2017 5:10 am

I know what it's like to have wonky sleep patterns. I wish falling asleep at night, wasn't such as problem for you...
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Sun Oct 08, 2017 6:38 pm

I've gone for about a week without cutting, and this evening my thoughts turned to my Mum, and I cut through 3 scabs.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby Snaga » Mon Oct 09, 2017 5:36 pm

Ouch.... please be gentle with yourself....
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Mon Oct 09, 2017 7:53 pm

Today has been another tough day. I've had to deal with more than usual involvement with down below and it has been very difficult. I can't cope today. I am being forced to eat when l don't want to, when all l'm eating for is to be 'rewarded' with a can, so today, l,be decided that if they force me to eat before l can drink alcohol, l will make myself sick. I've 'vomitted after food and alcohol so l don't see much difference.

Today, l got into a conversation with a bloke here who has become a good mate. We are about the same age. Earlier today, he sensed something was wrong while we were outside having a cigarette, and l ended up telling him about my gender dysphoria and my incomplete transition. He has memory problems brought on by alcohol abuse, and he said "lt makes no difference to me as l've only known you as *********! We will see.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:09 pm

Yesterday evening l went out to the local supermarket, and as far as the duty manager was concerned, l was going to get a couple of lighters. Once l was let out the front door, my alcohol brain took over and l bought four cans of cider and sat in the local park drinking and smoking. I was only allowed out for 10 minutes, but actually l was out for longer. I kept expecting my mobile phone to ring asking where l was, but fortunately it didn't.

When l got back to the home, l was feeling lousy, but l still needed my brain to switch off. I asked. The senior member of staff on duty if l could have a couple more cans.(At this time l had drunk 5 cans as l'd had one in the morning.).The senior member of staff said she would have to phone the deputy manager to see what she said. After some time, the reply l got was "no more cans today". This was about 7pm.
I was busting for more drink, but knew the only drink l was going to get was tea, coffee or squash, so made do with tea and having had my night time med at about 10.30pm, put myself to bed.

I'm waiting for the ****to hit the fan front the deputy manager, but it hasn't happened yet. Whether l've blown my chances of extra alcohol one my birthday, l don't know yet.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:18 pm

I'm reaching the time of day when l feel at my most dangerous time. I hate the evening time and have to try very hard to keep myself occupied as best l can to distract myself from s/h. I have to try and drown out my thoughts with loud music. It doesn't always work but l need the distraction to try xsand stop myself from dwelling on my problems.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby Snaga » Wed Oct 11, 2017 11:34 pm

Well first off, that sounds great that you have someone there to converse with... he sounds like an all right guy, too. Fingers crossed.

Gee it does sound as if they knew what you'd gone and done, doesn't it? Not letting you have any more cider. And... sweetie, when you do that, you continue to justify their not letting you have a longer leash to get away from the home for a bit. But you know that. I don't know the answer- I know it's really hard to quit something that you get hooked on- for me it's not substances, but I have my addictive behaviours. I know. Still... your freedom to go outside depends on not hitting the alcohol as soon as you get away....

So sorry you have trouble with the evenings- I don't know what to say about that- other than I hope that things will settle down and you won't feel so threatened by the night there. Music.... you mean like wearing headphones, I take it? Music is my go-to when I am stressed, especially concerning work. I have my list of go-to songs that I use for escape.

Have you ever seen the movie, 'Muriel's Wedding?' When Toni Colette's character puts the ABBA cassette in and hits play? And 'Dancing Queen' fires up, and you watch her zone out...... I do the same thing (with the same song, actually, among some others) when I'm really really in need of withdrawing from my wretchedness.

Yeah, I understand with the music.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:04 am

Snags, l know at times l'm my own worst enemy and l cockup a lot, but the vicious circle just keeps going.
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Re: NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

Postby Snaga » Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:22 am

I know, it's hard to stop the things we do....
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Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it to them in Klingon, for Life is also terrifying and confusing.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
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