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HELP! PERSONAL ISSUE THAT IS CRUSHING ME

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HELP! PERSONAL ISSUE THAT IS CRUSHING ME

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Mon Apr 11, 2016 12:41 pm

I currently have a personal issue that I need support with from someone who has some understanding of what I am dealing with from a trans point of view.

I have had 2 out of 3 surgeries to transition from female to male, but because of a physical disability which involves lower body paralysis, I was told lower body surgery would not be possible. This has been hard to deal with over the years, but a recent incident, I have sustained a small area of what seems to be burn to the skin on my front bits - sore!

I am having a very hard time physically and psychologically, and because this is so personal and I have no friends who I feel able to talk to about how this is affecting me, I feel very isolated and feel I am losing myself.

I am having to deal with the fact that the GP prescribed cream for me to apply which I am doing but I am not coping psychologically with the fact that three times a day, I having to touch an area of my body which, in my head, is alien to me. I get through life by convincing my brain that I have male parts, and having as little to do with 'down there' as possible. Most of the time, it works, but at present, I am having to have far more contact with the reality of what is really down there than I am comfortable with.

I am finding that this is having such an impact on me psychologically that I am getting depressed, withdrawing myself and losing the person I feel I really am. My normal coping mechanism is not working and I'm very close to resorting to alcohol.

I have a district nurse who comes in to guide me as to where to apply the cream, but she is under strict instructions that she does not touch me there. The nurse decided she wanted the GP to see it, and that didn't go down well with me, and I have been dreading her visit(she came today). I told the GP when she came that she was not to touch, which she respected, but just the fact that I have to involve professionals to deal with these issues is something I struggle to deal with.

I feel it important to tell you that because I am paralysed below the waist, my bladder does not have the muscles to keep me continent, and I have to use a full-time catheter. These can be prone to leakage, and as happened recently, I got a water infection and the catheter stopped working, and urine was leaking. Despite trying to keep myself dry, some urine was making contact with my skin and because I have very little feeling, I thought that when I started to feel the first signs of pain, I was getting a small pressure sore. How wrong I was.

What I am most struggling with, is the fact that despite my efforts, they weren't enough to keep on top of the leaking, and I failed to realise that the urine was burning my skin. I HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW! I HATE what I have caused, I hate that I need outside help to deal with this, and I hate that I can't cope with this psychologically.

I am so close to turning to drink.

On top of all this, I am still dealing with losing my dog and losing a friendship, but my big problem at present is how to keep myself from sinking into a black hole.

I apologise for the personal content of this post, but felt it necessary to paint the full picture.

If anyone feels they can offer me advice on how to keep myself sane, I would really appreciate it as I am not coping with this on my own. Thank you in advance.
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Re: HELP! PERSONAL ISSUE THAT IS CRUSHING ME

Postby magnetic_sloth » Mon May 16, 2016 11:20 pm

I know this is a late response but I just joined the site. I feel bad now for complaining in my first post about my frustration. I am also a born female but feel male, and I also hate my genitals. I can't imagine your situation though, I will never transition into being a male due to the fact that I am a small 5ft female and I have a family. But really your situation seems way worse, I am so sorry you can't complete yourself like that and you are going though that terrible stuff. That must make you feel even less of a man with that bs going on downstairs. I can't offer advice because I need advice as well. I can only offer you my full support and sympathy from someone who gets how frustrating it is to look like something you are not. You are a very strong man though, to be able to deal with all that and to be able to transition like that. I wish I could... If you ever need someone to talk to you can talk to me.

*mod edit- please be careful about sharing contact details publicly*
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Re: HELP! PERSONAL ISSUE THAT IS CRUSHING ME

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Tue May 17, 2016 1:54 pm

Thank you for your response Magnetic Sloth. For me, not transitioning was never something I considered. My fairly large chest was an even bigger psychological problem to me than down below, and I do have the ability to think of my lower body as male while I have clothes on. It's when I undress that my 'coping mechanism' goes to pot. But when I have to endure medical examinations, or such is the case at the moment, when I have to deal with reality, that I really feel the strain.

Internally, I don't feel female at all, but having to deal with a body that is still partly female is very testing on a person.

If it makes you feel better about your height, I'm 4ft 3inches, but because I sit all the time, it isn't an issue I have to deal with as far as passing is concerned.

If you need advice, there are always people ready to offer it.
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Re: HELP! PERSONAL ISSUE THAT IS CRUSHING ME

Postby magnetic_sloth » Wed May 18, 2016 9:50 pm

Thank you for your message in return Trojan. That you are short does make me feel a lot better actually, it has always been something that bothered me. I guess people can't really tell though? Maybe also how you carry yourself? I know you said you sit most of the time, but I wonder if it is also how you carry yourself? When you actually feel a certain way it is put off towards others- I have learned that when I have gone out messing with different personas as social experiments to see if I ever could pass as male. I know if I took testorone I would look more male and feel male, I have always just been worried about the hight.

As far as the breasts I totally understand that, I have a very small chest so I am lucky, in fact when I work out a lot they short of shrink down. So still there but the feeling when I look in the mirror isn't horrible with two giant sacks that scream that they don't belong. I did feel that way when I breast fed. Oddly the breast feeding was fine, it was just having such large breasts, I thought they looked great like looking at them but on me it was weird. I can't even explain, I do a lot of my life in 3rd person. Like watching myself, like I am just manning a puppet. So I can admire my female form even if at the same time I feel akward inside. I wonder if other people who live like me feel that way?

Anyway, I know that sounds weird ha-ha. You take care though Trojan and if you ever need to chat I am usually available.
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Re: HELP! PERSONAL ISSUE THAT IS CRUSHING ME

Postby Snaga » Mon May 23, 2016 2:29 am

How are you doing now, Trojan?
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Re: HELP! PERSONAL ISSUE THAT IS CRUSHING ME

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Mon Jun 20, 2016 6:31 pm

Hi Snaga, my sincere apologies, but I have only just seen your enquiry. Things have got worse and I now have 3 sore areas. My bits are swollen and one side of the vulva is red and raw and is very sore and painful to have to sit on. There is also an open sore about a centimetre deep on the left side of the vulvu, in the groin which is also uncomfortable to sit on. On the right side of my bits in the groin there is a open sore which is raw and sore. So all in all, I'm not at all comfortable having to sit for long periods of time.

I do lay on my bed on my stomach for part of the afternoon, and I sleep on my stomach at night, but the pain from the sores and swollen area on my vulva are a constant annoyance to me, and I have to take Morphine at night to avoid me being awake most of the night in discomfort.

I am having a daily district nurse in to dress the sores, which is taking its toll on me mentally, and I now have the horror of an appointment with a Gynaecologist hanging over my head, and I just want to run away from all of it.

People keep telling me to make sure I'm eating plenty of protein to aid healing, but the last thing I'm interested in at present is food.

I have a survival technique for life, as I will never be anatomically completely male, as surgeons doubt my compromised lower body circulation will work effectively to allow a phallus to be created and maintained. My survival technique is to think of my gentitals as male, and that survival technique is struggling at present with all the female nurses coming in. They don't understand what it is to be trans.
I'm just not coping well with it all at present.
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Re: HELP! PERSONAL ISSUE THAT IS CRUSHING ME

Postby Snaga » Mon Jun 20, 2016 11:41 pm

OUCH!

So sorry to hear things aren't doing well, baby doll.

And... for your sake, you have to grit your teeth and deal with this. You're no less male, because you have the different plumbing. I know this is from a movie, but consider the words of Stockard Channing to Patrick Swayze in Wong Foo.... I have a girlfriend, with an Adam's Apple....

You are a guy that happens to have a vagina. It's #######5 and it sucks, but that's the cards you're dealt. You didn't ask to have one, but that's what you're stuck with. And if someone's gotta look at it, someone's gotta look at it. Unfortunately you're rather attached to it, and if it's sick, the rest of you is sick. So it's gotta be done, mijo. You can get thru this. You HAVE to.
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Re: HELP! PERSONAL ISSUE THAT IS CRUSHING ME

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Tue Jun 21, 2016 9:38 am

What is unnerving me the most about this forthcoming procedure, is that because it is being done on a short referral time, I don't get a letter with an appointment, and the name of the Gynaecologist so I can ring up and explain things so that he(I'm assuming it will be a bloke)is aware of the situation before I go. No, someone rings me up and offers me an appointment and I either can go or can't go.

Because I am a wheelchair user and need someone to accompany me as pushing myself significant distances is no longer possible since a shoulder operation in April 2015, as the muscles have weakened and I'm not as strong as I was, I have to contact the local volunteer bureau to get a driver, and I can't necessarily marry up his availability to appointments offered by the hospital.

I have spoken to a driver and he has told me when he is available, now all I have to do is hope the hospital can offer me an appointment with his dates of availability in mind.

I'm not sure if when the GP made the referral she would have explained things, but I sure hope she has.
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Re: HELP! PERSONAL ISSUE THAT IS CRUSHING ME

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Tue Jun 21, 2016 4:50 pm

Things are now cast in stone with an appointment. Spoke to the appointment booking people today, and despite me having told them I needed to sort transport out before I could accept an appointment, they went ahead and made an appointment anyway. It is this Friday and at least I've managed to secure a driver to take me. So, now I have no excuse. I'm staring reality in the face and dreading it.

I am hoping that when I get the letter confirming the appointment, there will be a number on it I can phone to explain my concerns beforehand.
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Re: HELP! PERSONAL ISSUE THAT IS CRUSHING ME

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Sun Jul 10, 2016 10:41 am

Short update to finish this subject off: Went to see Gynaecologist who seemed to think the sores were a sign of vulval cancer. He admitted me to hospital for tests(having introduced me to a McMillan nurse.)

During my hospital stay, I had an MRI, a CT scan and some biopsies. When the discharge letter was given to me(I got a copy of the letter that went to my GP), it quite clearly stated in several areas that the tests pointed to vulval cancer. I struggled to get my head round that, as in my head, I din't have womens parts down there. They prepared me that radiotherapy was going to be the treatment. The biopsies came back inconclusive(not very helpful!) I had gone into hospital feeling quite unwell, and at one point told that I have a tumour and that was making me very anaemic. They even had to tell my Mum that the tumour was causing anaemia, as she thought I had been neglecting myself.

On the day of my discharge, I had an appointment with an Oncologist who basically cancelled out everything I had been told. He was saying I didn't have cancer, BUT that he wants the biopsies to be repeated in a few weeks, from a different area in the vulva.

The past week to ten days has been a bit of a head screwing experience. Now I'm not sure what to think.
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