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Please help ... possible abuse

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Please help ... possible abuse

Postby TheNJBen » Fri Mar 28, 2008 1:23 am


I am new to the forum and I need help in a possible child abuse situation. My girlfriend has 2 children from a previous marriage - a girl who is 4 and a boy who is 7. She shares custody with her exhusband who lives with his new wife and her 14 year old son.

The girl (esp lately and since the exhusband has moved into a new house and the girl has her own room) has been having recurring UTI's, especially after returning from her father's. Per her mother, she is very red in that area as well. She has become resistant to going to her fathers and when asked by her mother if anyone was touching her in a way she did not like she answered yes but would say no more.

Also, lately, the girl has been extremely attached to me when we are together. I mean we always got along great esp when she turns me into a human jungle gym but lately she has been like a shadow. I live with my parents and also lately she has been almost desperate to stay at my house and when here pretty much refuses to leave. Take tonight for example - we met at a diner for dinner (my, my girlfriend, and her kids) and I had to go to the men's room and the girl asked to come because she siad she had to go too. When we got to the restrooms she said she didnt have to go but just wanted to wait for me. And when I got up to pay she also insisted on coming. Then when we got outside, she climbed into my van and we had to pry her out with her screaming and crying that she wanted to stay at my house (even though she is staying here tomorrow). She has awlays been prone to temper tantrums but this is different ... its more of a desperation kind of upset then just a "I am going to make a lot of noise until I get my way" kind of upset.

My girlfriend is really upset about all of this and so am I but I am not sure what to do. They are in the middle of some custody issues so a premature move could be perceived as just trying to get custody. We are NOT sick to create something like this to get custody but his lawyer is a ravenous wolf who would try to turn this So what do we do? We do not want to overreact but we sure as HELL do NOT want to underreact. We want to make sure she is safe and if not we want to get her out of that situation.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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Postby jasmin » Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:55 am

Hi, TheNJBen! Welcome to the forum. Please go to the police and ask them how she could see a child psychologist or a social worker who could know how to ask her about any abuse. You have to be very careful and do all you can so that the authorities will help you.
Just tell them what you think has been going on, what you asked her and what she does, and don't talk to your girl friend's daughter about this untill the child psych gets a chance to talk to her. Don't mention it to her untill then.
I wish you all the best!
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Postby S3 » Fri Mar 28, 2008 10:41 pm

Good advice. I'd follow it. I posted my reply to your post in the child abuse forum.
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Postby shivers » Thu Mar 12, 2009 1:48 am

You need to make an official report to child protective services, or whatever agency is in your area. You have described classic sexual abuse symptoms, both physically, behaviourly, and psychologically, as described with the reluctance to go to her father's and her clingyness with you.

Please don't press the child for further information, she has already shown and told you everything you need to know. Saying "yes" is probably all that she is capable of saying. Pressing the child to 'open up' could cause her to close up more. Remember that studies show that children DO NOT lie about these things.

At present you are this child's only advocate in an adult world that has become confusing and frightening for her. I urge you and her mother to stand up and fight for what is right.

I also uphold what Jasmin has suggested. Doctors and child psychologist appt, so that you may gain the evidence required and in the meantime, if you can stall access visits to the father, such as perhaps saying sickness or going away for that time, all the better.

I wish you the best. But don't let this get swept away, although I understand your fears about raising this issue and seen as 'building a case'. Statistically, 98% of abuse cases are fundamentally sound. There are no studies that uphold the view that abuse cases are fabricated to gain more custody. This is a fallacy, although approx 46% of the population believe it to be true. The courts know the real statistics, despite the myths running around suburbia.

You say the ex's lawyer is ruthless so this problem won't go away easily and quickly, but that is not the point. The main criteria is that someone fights for this little girl with all the resources available to them.

Good luck
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