turning painful emotions into sexual fantasies

Hi all,

I'm a 27 year old gay male and I've been dating someone who claims to be bisexual for about a year now. I've done a lot of personal growth over the past couple months, in particular to facing a lot of the shame I grew up with about being gay and all the implications that has had on my development as an adult.

Fortunately, I've been able to answer a lot of questions on my own but there are two questions that I am still struggling with:

1) Why does my partners bi-sexuality makes me feel so insecure? I cannot pin point if it is because I feel that a woman can offer something I can't and this taps into issues I have about my own self-esteem and worth or if it has to do with the fact that I envy him in a way for being able to slide between both worlds . I should note also that he is not out of the closet and I am the first man he's been with romantically, and I will admit that being hidden has also brought up shameful feelings on my end.

2) I've noticed that sometimes I will fantasize about him having sex with a woman and climax to these kinds of thoughts. Is this a coping mechanism for the distressful emotions I have about him leaving me for woman?

Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks!

Hello, and welcome!

emilio29 wrote: I cannot pin point if it is because I feel that a woman can offer something I can't and this taps into issues I have about my own self-esteem and worth or if it has to do with the fact that I envy him in a way for being able to slide between both worlds .

Ha. Interesting you should envy him- from my point of view as a bisexual male, it's not all that enviable, trust me...

I suppose in your first thought above, that it's also tied up with worrying if he can just be with you, and that he won't itch for a woman? There's a bi guy in the Sexuality forums who has recently been posting about his female s/o finding out he was bi, and not believing that he can be perfectly content tasting only one flavour, so to speak- but then, I feel as if she has issues with anything that's not perfectly straight.

As far as the envy bit- I would dissuade you from thinking it's envious- maybe the current crop of young nubile females in their twenties, are cool with the idea, but I've met few women that would be remotely okay with a guy who won't 'choose a team'. For me, it's more a curse, than a blessing, to get the hots both ways. I can't help thinking to like only one or the other, would be terribly dull- but at the same time, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Hmmm.

Him being in the closet, means you must be his secret- I could see where that would cause some issues... like he's ashamed of you, maybe? Not that he is- just saying I could see where it would make you feel insecure, second best.

emilio29 wrote: I've noticed that sometimes I will fantasize about him having sex with a woman and climax to these kinds of thoughts. Is this a coping mechanism for the distressful emotions I have about him leaving me for woman?

When you say this, do you mean just fantasizing and picturing him with a woman? Or thinking of him being with a woman, while having sex? In which case, are you placing yourself in the role of the woman?

Snaga:

As far as the envy bit- I would dissuade you from thinking it's envious- maybe the current crop of young nubile females in their twenties, are cool with the idea, but I've met few women that would be remotely okay with a guy who won't 'choose a team'. For me, it's more a curse, than a blessing, to get the hots both ways. I can't help thinking to like only one or the other, would be terribly dull- but at the same time, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

The thing is that because no one knows about him dating me, he could easily go back to dating women and it wouldn't be a problem. So, as a bisexual man, do you ever miss the other? Do you have a preference?

Him being in the closet, means you must be his secret- I could see where that would cause some issues... like he's ashamed of you, maybe? Not that he is- just saying I could see where it would make you feel insecure, second best.

I don't think he's ashamed to love me, I think he's ashamed of what it means to love me. Get what I mean? But yes, this has caused a lot of problems in me and it's affected me personally especially since I've never had to deal with such a thing. I imagine though that it is hard for him too. He seems to be comfortable with himself to an extent, but he hasn't taken that step yet.

When you say this, do you mean just fantasizing and picturing him with a woman? Or thinking of him being with a woman, while having sex? In which case, are you placing yourself in the role of the woman?

I've actually never put myself in the woman's role. It's typically just him having sex with a woman. It disturbs the crap out of me that I get aroused by this.

emilio29 wrote:The thing is that because no one knows about him dating me, he could easily go back to dating women and it wouldn't be a problem

Good point and yes I could see that making you feel insecure!

emilio29 wrote:do you ever miss the other? Do you have a preference?

My bisexuality is largely unrealised (that I know of- I have suspected myself of repressed memories of possible abuse) in the 3D, but that doesn't take away the want, and I have always wanted, if you get me.

I tend to prefer companionship/romance in a heterosexual context- again, as far as I have experienced it. And think more about the sex act and the male physique, in a homosexual context. The older I get, the less I feel the homosexual context would be only about the sex acts themselves, void of 'love', but still that has been my usual parsing of the problem.

An odd thing to say, but I seem to notice clothed girls, and nekkid guys, if that makes sense- and it doesn't have to, we've had a poster here in the forums that claimed to be 110% gay, yet could only envision an emotional relationship with a woman- but just as 110% could not, would not, brook the idea of sexual relations with her. That would be an extreme example, of the way I think a lot of bi guys parse what they find themselves wanting in either sex. I took the tack that he was in fact Bi, strictly speaking, but he insisted on being Gay....

Anyway the TL;DR, is that over all, as a life goal, I do prefer female company. But that doesn't take away a gnawing hunger for the other, either.

emilio29 wrote:I think he's ashamed of what it means to love me. Get what I mean?

I think I do, yeah. We're still conditioned to think less of ourselves, I think, for liking things we're not supposed to...

emilio29 wrote:I've actually never put myself in the woman's role. It's typically just him having sex with a woman. It disturbs the crap out of me that I get aroused by this.

I got nothing on that. If you were the woman in the fantasy, esp if it occurred during sex, I'd speculate either a little good clean gender-bending fantasy, or just feeling safer and more secure in the relationship by putting yourself in that role, since he's Bi. But this....? I don't know.

Maybe... maybe it's like a straight guy getting off on the thought of his girl getting it on with a girl...? I mean, if I had a g/f that liked other girls, I know that'd kinda turn me on. And, believe it or not, I've known a woman or two, that kinda got aroused by the idea of a guy with another guy.

Just... rearranged a little to fit this situation? Seeing him do something sexual with something that is not within your paradigm? DangifIknow why dudes like the idea of seeing their girl get it on with another girl, but we do. I don't see why that seemingly risky fantasy (I mean what if she dumps me for the girl?) can't find expression in you, finding the idea of your guy being with a girl, interesting.... it might have nothing to do with why you posted.