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I use distractions to avoid moving on in my life

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I use distractions to avoid moving on in my life

Postby indecompulsive » Wed Feb 06, 2013 6:19 pm

I was an exculpatory student early in life, recognized by TIP, a talent identification program sponsored by Truman University; I had scholarship opportunities arriving in 7th grade. I started drinking around age 11 and by freshman year of high school had tried a large array of drugs, mostly psychedelic in nature. At the time, and even now some, I felt as though they expanded my awareness and evolved my "outside of the box" thinking. I dropped out of high school at 16 because I had once again gotten caught with drugs on school property. My principal at the time actually recommended I drop out because I had a far below average attendance, expulsions etc. but yet maintained a GPA near the top of my class. He proposed I was bored and that college would be challenging and exciting for me and quite possibly turn my life around. Between college and the legal issues I had to deal with, it did. For awhile.

In college I kept my grades between 3.8 and 4.0, I was VP of my community college's Phi Theta Kappa chapter. I was working incredibly hard, 3 jobs and 18 credit hours in addition to the PTK obligations. I would have graduated just before I turned 19, with multiple scholarship opportunities, including the night program at Wash U. I began getting nervous about my decisions, questioning whether or not I could handle the Pysch/Philosophy/Neurology triple major I was considering pursuing at Wash U. I had gotten one DWI while in school, and had to take a semester off while my license was suspended. I tried to go back but, bless our legal system, getting a DWI spiraled me into drinking more. I dropped classes and skipped them constantly. I received a second DWI before finishing my associates degree, and had to serve a month in jail in addition to loosing my license for 5 years.

I lost all hope for becoming what I once thought I was capable of. I moved constantly. 2, 3 sometimes even 4 times a year. Sometimes had to change jobs because of the move or vise versa, sometimes because I got upset with a roommate and impulsively moved instead of solving the situation rationally. My drinking kept getting worse. I am a serial monogamous, always needing to have a boyfriend because I push all my friends away. One was incredibly mentally and emotionally abusive, leading to a year long bout with bulimia and other eating disorders.

Every relationship I was in, am in, I get incredibly angry when my sexual needs are not met. And I need them met at least daily and feel incredibly insecure and un-loved if I do not connect physically with my partner. I will start fights over this constantly. I feel like I use men, sex, drinking, drugs, work, food... any excuse I can find to not change my life. I know the license is an issue, but I also know I can find ways around it. I just feel so lost, like I know what I need to do but where to start is incapassitatingly over whelming. Every time I even start to fix anything I freak out and bury my head in the sand with one of my many distraction-addictions. I push away friends and family because I feel as though I have nothing to be proud of in my life. I get such anxiety that I won't want to leave my house, won't answer calls from my mom, don't want to visit with friends... because the question of what's going on in my life is answered with NOTHING, and I can't face it. It is such a vicious cycle because I know that trying to change without a support system is only going to make it harder. I feel alone. Isolated. When I do talk to friends they say, "you can do it! You are the smartest person I know, you're so strong!" All these qualities that maybe I used to be, I don't feel now. I know there are people out there who share these feelings. Who have overcame them. Any advice? Steps? Or even just... idk anything?
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Re: I use distractions to avoid moving on in my life

Postby Ada » Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:53 pm

Probably only the advice and steps you've read before, indecompulsive. Pick one thing. Change that. Do not try to fix anything else while you focus on that one thing. Write notes to yourself and stick them by your bed or on the fridge. Make yourself a playlist that relates to it. Change your computer background to something that'll remind you of it.

For me, one major issue is that I feel by starting one thing, I'm committing to doing absolutely everything ever. Which is seriously overwhelming and I escape into daydreaming [my addiction-distraction.] I'm not sure I have good answers for that, if that's the same for you. Starting with something you genuinely WANT to do might help. I have a list of OUGHTS as long as my arm. :roll: But for me getting into Pilates and doing that 4 times a week has created muscle tone which then spurs me on further. It's not a goal anyone in real life knows about. It's not even a goal at all! Just a thing I do. So perhaps having some "things you do" instead of attaching too much pressure from Plans might help.

Also, AA or therapy if drinking is still an issue. Volunteering is an excellent way to get "out of yourself" because the focus is on someone or something with a greater need than yourself. I've used that at several points in my life to help me pull out of a funk.

And if it doesn't seem too stupid, perhaps spend quality time with some "what am I going to do with my life" books or blogs? Perhaps you don't want to do what you think you want to do? Like this- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9WZtxRWieM Perhaps the addiction is a [crap!] protection against going down the "wrong" lifepath.
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.

Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
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