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Leading a double life...

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Leading a double life...

Postby Manners73 » Wed Dec 25, 2019 9:55 pm

It's weird this time if year because no ones playing out and I've got far to much time on my hands to think.

I've never thought about my life in this way before but it's just occurred to me that I've been leading a double life and I've been doing this for all of my life.

I'm sure this must fall into the realm of compulsive lying because all I've ever done for all of my life is cover my tracks.

Telling people that I'm going "here" when in fact I'm going "there".

Telling people I live in the complete opposite direction from where I actually live.

Giving false names etc...it just goes on and on and on.

A lot if it's survival. Some if it's self preservation and some of it has been just pure make believe and fantasy or just to fool people and to see what I could get away with.

I don't even see this as being an issue.

Is there any other double life livers out there?
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Re: Leading a double life...

Postby Wally58 » Thu Dec 26, 2019 10:13 pm

Lying is a survival and self-defense technique that we may learn as children to avoid unpleasant outcomes and punishments. Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes things worse.
As we grow older, lying may not be needed as much, but it becomes a habit if we still fear consequences or have something to hide.
Story-telling is an attempt to build our own reality. It may be the way that we wished things had turned out. Lies can be very powerful and get powerful people (parents) and public sentiment on our side. They can do great harm to ourselves and others as well.
I had a drug-addict housemate who was a very skillful liar. He had me doubting myself and feeling badly that I would have ever confronted him about missing property.
After we got him out, only then did I realize the mind-games that I had fallen for. I was too trusting and naïve.
I still make mistakes. I wish that I didn't have to, but that is how we learn. I have regrets over past mistakes and past cover-ups. It may be better to admit to a mistake while it is still controllable. If a whopper blows up in my face and it turns against me, I have no-one to blame but myself.
Once someone knows that I am capable of a lie and that I have lied to them, the trust of that person is gone. Years later, they may still use it against me.
Honesty is the best policy. Even if it hurts.
If I want to lie, I have to ask myself what I am afraid of. :|
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Re: Leading a double life...

Postby Manners73 » Fri Dec 27, 2019 10:00 pm

If I break it all the way down then it more than likely did start with having to lie as a way of survival.
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Re: Leading a double life...

Postby Wally58 » Fri Dec 27, 2019 10:14 pm

Agreed, but do you still need to lie in order to survive, or is its 'usefulness' in the past.
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Re: Leading a double life...

Postby Manners73 » Mon Dec 30, 2019 9:05 pm

there's a lot that I can't tell people about myself so if it came to it then I would have to lie in order to protect myself.

I was thinking about this lying business and I do it because I'm scared of feeling sad. Like something traumatic happens and I can't forget it. So how do I survive it? I make it into an adventure story.

I can't think of an instance diring the last 30 years of my life where I haven't made up stories about my life. They're not complete fabrications (all my stories are true) but they have been embellished and its so I can remember things without it killing me to remember.
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Re: Leading a double life...

Postby Wally58 » Tue Dec 31, 2019 11:49 am

There was decades-worth of me that I kept hidden from others (and myself) as well and it was killing me with shame, despair and self-hatred. Even the things that I should have been proud of were not impressive anymore. I had to 'hand it over'.
No one likes to feel sadness and remember the bad things that we did or the bad things that happened to us.
It had built up over the decades into a 'moral inventory' of sorts. Some of it was to be kept and some of it to be discarded. I just couldn't decide what I needed to keep and what I needed to process and discard. I am a hoarder by nature. :mrgreen:

I did my 4th step (catagorising) followed by a 5th step (sharing) with a sponsor who also happened to be clergy. After shedding decades of who I was, there was a profound relief and I could move forward again, refreshed.

Note the words 'searching and fearless' in the step. It doesn't have to be done perfectly the 1st time and there may be another time in your life when you have to revisit the 4th step.
The 12 steps don't necessarily have to be about alcoholism or addictions. I have found them helpful in guiding me through many other stressful life situations (i.e. - Why do I lie?)

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

"This is the first "action" step in the 12 steps: it requires one to act, and that action involves taking an assessment of one's character defects and writing that information on paper. We write our own life story - honesty is the key that breaks denial.
We learn about resentments and our role in our problems with people, places, and things.
What is a searching and fearless moral inventory? Basically, a moral inventory is an assesment of one's life up to this point, a taking stock of the goods in one's life and noting those characteristics that are troublesome.
The step asks that one be searching and fearless, meaning that one must be thorough to the best of their ability and memory, not omitting any incidents or events that they recall and that one must also be courageous in facing one's past, as it is easy to bury such memories deep beneath us. Examples of troublesome characteristics and traits (also termed "character defects") that would belong in an inventory are: pride, resentment, gluttony, guilt, lust, envy, sloth, fear, etc.

The format basically involves writing one's resentments and fears from as far back as they remember. For each resentment, list the people, place, institution or thing at which you are resentful, then write the reason for your resentment.
Then think of what the fear is behind that resentment and write that down, as well. Keep writing your resentments and the fears associated with each, starting as far back as you can remember and ending in the present.

There will be incidents, events and situations that would involve only fear. Write those fears down also, even though they have no resentment in connection with them. When you feel like you have thoroughly listed all of your fears and resentments and that no memory or incident has been overlooked, then your inventory is complete and finished.

Seek out someone you trust for Step 5. :D
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Re: Leading a double life...

Postby Manners73 » Tue Dec 31, 2019 7:25 pm

I don't think I've got anyone I could trust.
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