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I really need motivation/advice right now

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I really need motivation/advice right now

Postby celesgiri » Mon Dec 02, 2019 7:07 pm

I’m sorry that this will be super long, but I’m searching for hope. I want happiness, I want to succeed with my dreams but it’s tough. I need some kind of encouragement here, somewhere to tell the truth. Somewhere to open up to a place full of strangers that I’ll never see again. I could use some unbiased advice, and hope.
Being honest about everything is tough. This place is anonymous, and I don’t have to worry about anyone seeing this.
I have a lot of problems. There’s a lot of sh/t wrong with me. I have generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks regularly, I restrict my eating for a sense of control, anything to control. I have very poor impulse control, and I always fear I’ll do something awful someday because of it, and not be in control. I have adhd, but I can’t take meds for that bc were prioritizing my anxiety first, and any time I’ve take meds for my adhd + anxiety at once, it doesn’t go well? I’m not sure if this is true or not, but the person giving me medication seems to know what she’s doing. I have severe attachment (as in getting extremely attached quickly,) and abandonment issues. I’m being tested for some things, but I won’t elaborate on those, esp since were not certain.
I’m going to discuss my main issue, and the points of this post, below. The main sources of my anguish, the stuff that keeps me awake at night.
- I lie, impulsively. I’ve lied to myself. I’ve lied to others to make my life sound better. Lied about achievements and I haven’t felt bad about it in a long time. I’ve been reflecting and I really want to stop. I hate who I really am, and I feel like these are to protect myself, but the gratification they give me isn’t genuine happiness. I know I can’t be happy until I’m completely honest with myself and others. I can’t even bring myself to tell my therapist about this one. My goal is to let go of this awful habit by 2020. Any advice? Motivation? Anything. I want this so badly.
- Lately, my trust issues have been sky rocketing. I love to help people. I wish I could help everyone. I’m basically the friend everyone goes to for advice and support. It’s ironic, because I struggle to follow my own advice and support myself through tough times. Anyway, I don’t know when to give up on people. I’ve known so many people who I’ve gotten attached too, and they showed their true colors. Too many people who weren’t who they said they were. Had disgusting ulterior motives. I struggle to drop people because I can’t stand the thought of abandoning others after the effort I’ve put into trying to help them, and I’ve been really hurt for this reason.
I question who I can trust and I hate it. I don’t want to doubt my friends, I don’t want to doubt anyone. I want to be excited to meet new people, not suspicious of everyone I meet. I don’t want to ponder everyone’s ulterior motives. Not everyone is awful deep down, but I can’t help but wonder. How many of my friends would hurt or betray me if they got something out of it? Would most people enjoy hurting others?
- I worry about my future constantly. I have dreams. I want to publish stories! I’ve got entire novels in my google docs. I want to be a therapist, and help people! I want to travel, cosplay (maybe model?), take on photography, go on adventures, and get married! I’m always scared I won’t succeed. I know it’s best to take it one step at a time, but my megabrain looks decades ahead, imagining myself dying in the streets. How can I get better at taking it one step at a time?
That’s about all I need motivation and advice on. This post may never be seen, even one reply would make me happy. This is a cry for help, and thanks for taking the time to read this if you did. I love you all.
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