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Please help

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Please help

Postby nancyb07 » Sun Jun 10, 2018 10:44 am

I have been lying to my online boyfriend regarding certain aspects of my life for many years now. After many thwarted efforts to meet (on my part) we decided to meet again but I have been so wracked with guilt about the lies I have told him, I told him I couldn't do it. I managed to come clean about two big lies, my real name and my age. He was very understanding and forgiving and I was partially relieved. However, I have been lying about what I really do for work as well and I am terrified he will absolutely despise me after I come clean about this. There isn't anything wrong with the job that I do, just the fact that I have told him I do something entirely different.

I have come to realise recently that I lie because I feel inadequate being who I am. I lied in the past because I didn't feel good enough; because I hated myself deep down. I lied because I wanted to be anyone other than who I was. I thought that I could create the person that I wanted to be by lying. I wanted to make myself appear better than I was and I didn't think anyone would want to be with me as I am. He is older and very accomplished but this is obviously not why we get along so I don't understand entirely why I would do such a thing to such an extent. I feel sick with myself.

I have had long term issues with anxiety/body issues/eating disorders since I was young but I come from a family who believe in just getting on with things and after being bullied by certain family members and kids/teachers at school my self-esteem really took a bashing over time and I believe I began to fabricate out of crippling low self-esteem. I feel my unresolved issues are the reason I haven't been able to fully achieve what I wanted to thus far in life. I had terrible anxiety throughout my early years of school, first struggling with separation anxiety and then social. I didn't really understand what was going on with me at the time so I didn't ever feel comfortable reaching out to anyone. I was selectively mute in my earlier years but no one (that I know of) seemed to think anything of this, I was just labelled a "weird kid".

I feel incredibly remorseful about how I have lied to him and have spent the past week sleepless waking up several times in the night with gut wrenching anxiety. I really want to meet him but I worry that the guilt I feel about what I've done will intensify once we meet in person and I won't know how to deal with it. I hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me eventually but I understand why if not.

I read the post on here about coming clean responsibly and found it helpful and I want to be able to do this. If anyone has any further words of advice I would really appreciate them. I am sick of lying and want to make amends going forward.

Thank you for reading.
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Re: Please help

Postby Godhelpme1 » Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:31 am

I relate to your post a lot.

I have the body image, eating disorder/over eating stuff.

Coming clean is hard, but you can totally do it.
We need to if we are going to live fulfilling lives.


You hit the nail on the head.
Our lying is a symptom of a deeper problem.
We need to uproot that.



In terms of getting honest.
Remember how you feel about yourself is more important than him.
You telling him the truth and living a life where you do that, will develop love for yourself.
Because at the end of the day you spend the most time with yourself.

When it comes to being honest.
Be willing to lose him to regain yourself.

I am glad you are reaching out for help.
We have a lot of work to do!
Let's do it and help others on the way!
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Re: Please help

Postby nancyb07 » Mon Jun 11, 2018 5:44 pm

Thank you for your kind words. I have since come clean with him and understandably he now wants to move on which I have to accept and take this as a massive wake up/learning curve as to never hurt such a wonderful person again.
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Re: Please help

Postby NewSunRising » Tue Jun 12, 2018 2:44 am

I just want to say as painful as it was to lose a relationship by coming clean , that is a huge and positive step towards regaining control over the compulsion to lie .

You should acknowledge and appreciate the strength it took to do it , despite the cost . There will be other relationships , along with other opportunities to lie . This is a chance to make a new and dedicated effort to staying honest in your interactions with others . There is a wonderful freedom to be found in having nothing to hide .
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