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All over the place

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All over the place

Postby AsktheAxis » Wed Oct 04, 2017 4:35 pm

Where to even start?? I've been in and out of therapy my whole life. LOTS of anxiety and diagnoses. I portray myself as this self help advocate and I've actually helped a lot of people start therapy and get sober. I'm proud of that. I have an amazing therapist who, in two years, got me out of my house after being agoraphobic and suicidal. That is why I believe so strongly in therapy with the right therapist. As well as "baby steps", getting out of your comfort zone, CBT ect. But here's the thing: I'm a pathological liar. I've lied for as long as I can remember. About big stuff. I thought I'd grown out of it but that was denial. I was still lying all the time. Recently I lied about something huge and it's been eating me up inside. I'm ready to never lie again. I have always lied about work and to employers to make up for the ways my mental state has held me back. I've lied for pity. I've lied out of shame. I want to tell my therapist but we've cried together. I'm her "model patient" she always brags about to colleagues. But some of the things I've told her (or omitted) are garbage. I honestly don't even know if my perspective is just ###$. Was my childhood as bad as I thought? Was my dad as terrifying and menacing as I remember? He's much softer and kinder now. But that's where my Core Belief comes from: I am incompetent. To make up for all my failure, I made up lies that would excuse such dumb behavior. Now I'm in an amazing relationship with someone who reads about my disorders (not the lying) to better help me. But up until a year or so ago, I never even thought about all my lying. Now I believe I can stop. I check myself every once in a while, "Why are you lying?" And most of the time there's not a good reason. But the beginning of our relationship is based on lies and a couple big ones. I don't know what to do. My S.O. and my therapist are the only reasons I've not ended my life. While I continue to live lies. I don't know what I'm asking... I've never spoken to anyone about all this.
Can anyone relate?
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