I always believed that I was ''smart" because I grew up in a family where everyone would compliment me for even the slightest thing. I curse my self for not being self aware enough back then, and building my identity around the concept of intelligence. I became narcissistic, I destroyed friendships and other relationships just because I had this stupid idea ingrained in my brain.
So many defenses in order not to accept that I am dumb, althrough the world was giving me signs continuously. I never achieved anything in academia by myself, and right now I am struggling immensely in order to get a Masters. Funny thing is, I was obsessed for a very long time about my IQ and went on to do numerous online tests for this reason. Until I had the BRIGHT idea to go get tested by a professional and unawarely invalidate the result due to my experience with online testing.
I can not learn anything. My mind is blank 24/7 and I live a miserable life unable to achieve just the minimum of happiness. I need to put extreme effort in order to concentrate and learn even the slightest piece of information. My vocabulary is limited and I repeatedy use the same words whenever I am attempting to write something. I am ######6 dumb....retarded even. I just dont progress.....I've literally hit a ceiling in almost everything, and recently become so reclusive that I begin forgeting even the basics of social skills. My official diagnosis, althrough wrong in my opinion, was OCD. I have been in medication since I was 13 so here's that.......ffs I can not even express my thoughts in this post. I feel like the last of the last. I am physically disabled, stupid, and a failure in romance...just wow. You literally can not have a more garbage DNA than I have. And....you know what? All those that bullied me will go on to have succesfull lives and I will most propaby end up working as a professional dishwasher for the rest of my life.........I just CANT LEARN.....I am thinking about suicide every single day, and even when I am not my delusions of competence come in again, and when I fail the circle begins anew....