I ###$ up my life too hard

I always believed that I was ''smart" because I grew up in a family where everyone would compliment me for even the slightest thing. I curse my self for not being self aware enough back then, and building my identity around the concept of intelligence. I became narcissistic, I destroyed friendships and other relationships just because I had this stupid idea ingrained in my brain.
So many defenses in order not to accept that I am dumb, althrough the world was giving me signs continuously. I never achieved anything in academia by myself, and right now I am struggling immensely in order to get a Masters. Funny thing is, I was obsessed for a very long time about my IQ and went on to do numerous online tests for this reason. Until I had the BRIGHT idea to go get tested by a professional and unawarely invalidate the result due to my experience with online testing.
I can not learn anything. My mind is blank 24/7 and I live a miserable life unable to achieve just the minimum of happiness. I need to put extreme effort in order to concentrate and learn even the slightest piece of information. My vocabulary is limited and I repeatedy use the same words whenever I am attempting to write something. I am ######6 dumb....retarded even. I just dont progress.....I've literally hit a ceiling in almost everything, and recently become so reclusive that I begin forgeting even the basics of social skills. My official diagnosis, althrough wrong in my opinion, was OCD. I have been in medication since I was 13 so here's that.......ffs I can not even express my thoughts in this post. I feel like the last of the last. I am physically disabled, stupid, and a failure in romance...just wow. You literally can not have a more garbage DNA than I have. And....you know what? All those that bullied me will go on to have succesfull lives and I will most propaby end up working as a professional dishwasher for the rest of my life.........I just CANT LEARN.....I am thinking about suicide every single day, and even when I am not my delusions of competence come in again, and when I fail the circle begins anew....

Hello, and welcome.

Well, I identify with being told incessantly as a child, how intelligent I was, but I think they were mistaken. My own partner calls me smart, and I'm like, no.... I'm an idiot savant that regurgitates useless trivia. That doesn't equal 'smart'.

Anyway, what I really wanted to respond to, was don't discount that OCD diagnosis. And meds won't cure OCD, just take the edge off enough to get help other ways, or learn methods of dealing with it on your own. I have OCD, and OCD flavors everything. We will magnify everything. At least, I do. There may be other things going on, than OCD, but often, OCD is going to build other issues up into seeming mountains. At least that's been my belief.

Thank you for your support, Snaga, but believe me I have many reasons to doubt the diagnosis was accurate. I mean, serious reasons. I am totally convinced that I was a victim of incompetence in combination with symptom manipulation from my side. I honestly do not think OCD is what I have. However, I am convinced that I have a cognitive insufficiency of some sorts. Literally, I just do not learn....or at least learn very slowly. It is a bit of an open secret in my country, that we all get helped with our homework by our parents, or private schools even up until college. I was helped. Saying I wasnt and saying that I deserved my degree would be an absolute lie.
My working vocabulary in my language is poor. Maybe not extremely poor, but poor nonetheless. This becomes the source of tremendous stress, and difficulty since I am in a Social Sciences Masters....and Im just scrapping through it.
I was driven by some stupid desire for approval, or general dissatisfication with my life , to do an IQ test. The results indicated giftedness, BUT, I did many online tests the year before (I was not aiming on practicing, I was just overlly stressed about my intelligence). So that does render the result inaccurate; possibly grossly inflated.

Bearing this in mind, I now feel incapable of ever knowing the truth, because any intelligence examination in the future would be skewed by my previous exposure.

I have no partner, never did. I was born physically disabled, and this amongst others rendered me essentially an ''incel'', althrough I hate the label. I see no light in the end, to be honest. I am just a husk....I just eat, sleep and ####........My mind is BLANK .....there is nothing there.....

And yet you write fluently, in what I assume is a second language and not your mother tongue.

Have you thought about a second opinion on the OCD?

Also do you have ADD or ADHD? I am ADD and I think I have a learning disability associated with that (which has nothing to do with intelligence in general, if I recall)

I've met people with supposedly low intelligence that are multilingual. I don't know if language mastery depends a lot on intelligence, since one can't control for the time it took somebody to master it. I was posting in this forum since 2011 and for all these years I predominantly used english in my communication.
I'm scrapping through my Masters atm, and my whole identity is crumbling down. The people that treated me like $#%^ are succeeding and I am here watching my whole world getting destroyed..