Need Help To Identify Potential Mental Dysfunction?

Hello! I'm new here. It's nice to meet you all.

So I'll keep it short and sweet. I've wondered about having a dysfunction for as long as I can remember in general (childhood events did not help much, either) but I feel like recent events and my environment are exacerbating what may have previously existed, including creating a new set of problems.

I think it got worse when I fell off from my best friend. While I definitely induced some of it (and later found the guts and lack of pride to apologize) I just felt like we didn't click anymore, and I didn't want to be around her and the issues she created for herself, much as I loved her. (Which could have been due to her own problems. Her mother was kind of a junkie more or less) that being said, I know that in hurting her I inevitably inflicted just as much damage on myself. After that, I felt like something snapped. She was my best friend, and I felt like I couldn't properly form relationships anymore.
I began to fantasize about revenge, on her or anyone, with fever dreams of great power:all cinematic and showy, and not very realistic. In my imagination, it was pretty musical too. I eventually got over that after several months, coming to terms that it was exaggerated and not real, and didn't really daydream that way anymore. I have taught myself to cut the ego down and learn to be a lot more self aware. But I still daydream a lot. I haven't done very well emotionally this year.

Some of the things on a specific note that have gotten worse are:

-lack of desire to socialize

-wanting friends and a caring support system as much as not wanting to expend the energy and emotional investment to create any

-kind of suspicious of other people, a little bit cynical

- exacerbated extreme loneliness

-motor control difficulties. Have trouble manipulating objects, grabbing certain things, and trouble moving muscles like my neck and head without a jerk. Shoulder and arm area sometimes subtly do this on their own

- have what I would describe as a 'v walk'. I guess I've always walked this way but my legs are much too bendy when I walk. I can't straighten out my gait enough without lots of conscious effort and solepads that don't do much for it. Sidelong teasing and weird looks for it had an emotional toll on me as well
-feeling cut off or dissociated from most things around me. Don't feel involved in the surrounding world a lot of the time and sometimes don't feel like myself

-disinterested in a lot of things

-preference and desire to stay in my imagination a lot, talking up scenarios with imaginary characters. Feel like most of the only true excitement comes from this

-intensifying feelings of passion, anger, craze, or sadness in these figmented events

-narrating/soliloquizing events in my life or the day, present or past tense. Talk to myself with multiple voices of myself that almost count as an audience

-yearning for physical touch and affection, but feel like there's no one to ask it from. Touch is one of my love languages, but because I haven't gotten it in so long, I feel very disconnected even when I do get hugs from a sibling.

- Ah, the iconic two-sided version of myself. It still persists in my daily imagination. One side of me is like a well-meaning, heroic entity, and the other a bloodthirsty anarchist with a drive for evil. My actual desire to be empathetic and compassionate often collides with my real life, but slightly inflated desire to be mean and hold my place in the world. Sorry if that's not very clear, or sounds figmented. I'm certain at least part of it is.

If anyone knows anyone who has had similar experiences, or has experienced these themselves and know what it points to, please lend your advice if you have any. I haven't been to a therapist about these things; and while I don't have any secrets (makes life easier) I don't know that I'm ready to talk. This is greatly distressing for me, and I Would greatly appreciate it.

Edit: Let me make it clear that these descriptions are not implicit of the suggestion that I'm 'crazy'. As a sidenote, crazy can be a derogatory term for any diagnosable condition. If anyone consistently uses this vocabulary under that context, then you should probably not be on the psych forum. With some of the rather unsupportive messages I've received, I want to clarify that plenty of these are not new - some of them have affected me for a very long time, and are not exactly easy to share. They did not 'just happen' post falling off from a dear friend, though I believe it was a catalyst for worsening the effects. Im really not sure that I want to talk about these things face to face with a counselor/therapist just yet, but I would hope that if anyone has some help to offer, just know that it would be really appreciated.

~P

Did you ever figure anything out, I can relate to a lot of the relationship stuff.
I was physically and sexually abused when I was younger. I also never thought I bonded with my parents at birth so those things, I assume laid the ground work for my fantasy and disconnected lifestyle.

perpetualdreaming wrote:Edit: Let me make it clear that these descriptions are not implicit of the suggestion that I'm 'crazy'. As a sidenote, crazy can be a derogatory term for any diagnosable condition. If anyone consistently uses this vocabulary under that context, then you should probably not be on the psych forum. With some of the rather unsupportive messages I've received, I want to clarify that plenty of these are not new - some of them have affected me for a very long time, and are not exactly easy to share. They did not 'just happen' post falling off from a dear friend, though I believe it was a catalyst for worsening the effects. Im really not sure that I want to talk about these things face to face with a counselor/therapist just yet, but I would hope that if anyone has some help to offer, just know that it would be really appreciated.

~P