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I'm ruining my life!!! TW (trigger warning)

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I'm ruining my life!!! TW (trigger warning)

Postby negative00 » Sun Apr 10, 2016 3:15 pm

**TRIGGER WARNING: DRUG MENTION**

Only as I've gotten older I come to realise that I haven't really done anything in my life since I was 5. This isn't because I don't want to, but because I just can't retain information and since I've grown up it's gotten significantly worse. I don't know if it is down to psychological trauma or maybe it's because of the times I would go "cold-turkey" on medication as a child that has left me with an impairment - my lack of cognitive function has left me trapped, and it is hard to live through life without all of the shame piling up on my shoulders.

If that wasn't enough, I have already been diagnosed with executive dysfunction that stops me from being able to do things such as creating lists or making a daily planner. I haven't been in education for a while, because the teachers didn't have any work coming from me. They realised that I was having trouble with my memory, so it got to the point I would sit out of lessons as they couldn't teach me without having to slow down the entire class...

I have both derealisation and depersonalisation - I know this is a forum for cognitive disorder, but I don't know if mentioning it helps. I'm really sorry about this.

I can't enjoy TV at all, because I can't remember any of it so there isn't much point returning to watch a film if you're forgetting the characters, the plot of the movie, etcetera. Sometimes I'll get half way, and forget the entire film. I'll start wondering who's watching TV? When did I put this on? Where did I get to? It's devastating.

I sometimes forget how to get out of bed, and there has been occasions where I would wake up paralysed from not knowing how to move. I would often get confused how to do something simple like sit down, brush my teeth, walk straight or even get down the stairs. I just cannot remember these things, and then it is too late. Here I go falling down some stairs before I finally realise how to walk down them.

I forget how to speak sometimes, too. This only seldom happens, so it isn't too bad. But forgetting how to speak is terrifying as I don't know how long it would be until I remember how to use my mouth in connection with my mind. Sometimes I can't think either, so then I'm absolutely stuck.

This is horrible, and it is only the best to speak about this with people who can understand. I'm only 17 and I haven't got a job, an education or a life. I have no friends either as I forget to speak to them, and sometimes I forget who these people are.

(I'm not sure if this should even be on the dissociation forum, if it is you are free to move this to its proper place).

Thanks for reading if you got this far, I'm just pretty terrified for my life right now...

Please don't feel you have to respond to this, I am just happy that I can now vent somewhere without (hopefully) being judged. Also, I have only just scratched the surface of this with a psychologist who is planning to get me tested for a cognitive disorder sometime this month - I might not have addressed this appropriately, I'm very sorry... :cry:
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Re: I'm ruining my life!!! TW (trigger warning)

Postby thisunrest » Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 pm

Hugshugshugshugshugs :cry:
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Re: I'm ruining my life!!! TW (trigger warning)

Postby Zenfinity » Mon May 23, 2016 8:19 pm

You did a really great job sharing this. Thank you. Im going through some things too and it helps to listen to the thoughts of others going through difficult times mentally. I hope your doing better now, and hope to see you back here with that update. What you did here - expressing those thoughts - probably helps out a lot, so don't give up!!! believe in yourself and don't doubt that your going to make a comeback ok. Believe in yourself and believe that your positive thoughts will bring the right people into your life for your path of recover!
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Re: I'm ruining my life!!! TW (trigger warning)

Postby ContactSilence » Sun Jun 11, 2017 1:32 am

I'm sorry that all sounds scary. I have aphasia and have intermittent trouble comprehending spoken language and speaking and sometimes go completely mute. I didn't do much by your age except high school accomplishments and I don't think it's expected.you have a career by now. I ultimately became successful and that is supposed to be the challenge for adolescence - to find what it is you want to do. I recommend getting help with testing from school for learning disabilities and accept whatever help you can get. I know it's hard and scary yet everyone goes through this stage with varying personal challenges. Thank you for sharing and I wish you well.
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