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Something isn't right

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Something isn't right

Postby Elzahex » Mon Feb 22, 2016 2:05 am

Hey guys. I'm a senior in highs school at the age 18. Things have been starting to feel very weird lately. I've been going through phases where I can't feel like I've been to somewhere I've been like school or elsewhere. It's like I've slipped into a different existence and the real me is still in real life. Everything I do in this "existence" doesn't feel real but only in that existence does it make sense. When I'm like that, I can't feel things the way I normally do. I can't talk to the people I used to be associated with, I can't listen to the music I used to listen to all the time and enjoy it. It feels so weird that I don't know how I used to be and I get so damn caught up with events that happen that feel to be in this existence. Like my imagination is taking over my "reality". I have felt like this before but it was before my dad passed away in 7th grade. In my "existence" then, I was fat, stupid, unwanted from people, and all these other made up attributes that I assumed I was. I let those control me so much to where I couldn't act normally. Everything I did I thought was wrong and wasn't the right moment for it. It was such a big deal that everything I was felt fake. This carried on so much that years of elementary school went by like they had never happened. Like I was wasting my life away and nothing had sense to it. This was until my dad died due to lung cancer nearing the end of my 7th grade year. My dad to me was someone I could never go to. He was the grey in my existence where my mom was the yellow, blue, etc. After he died, he obviously wasn't there in my existence anymore. And that change head started me to get better. I was afraid of facing this "existence" going into 8th grade so much that I begged and begged my mom to let me be home-schooled or change schools cause of what I led my existence to be at my old school. Before my dad passing away, I felt like there was nothing to drag me away from that "existence" and bring me to my actual senses and purpose of going though what I was supposed to be going through. Because of his absence, I was able to remove the grey in my life and search for the lighter colors of living as me. Going into 8th grade, I felt like I was there in the classrooms with all my peers. Not in some #######4 existence that I let myself create before. I could communicate as if I was a human and everyone else was too. The point that I'm getting at 8th grade was a long time ago, and growing up, there is a lot more grey in my life that I'm noticing. I'm not the only one growing up and do to me realizing all these things, I'm beginning to form a new "existence". It's only gotten worse since sophomore year. Things have happened that ended up being grey to me. Things like feeling pressured into getting into a relationship with a girl I had highly respected but I have never thought about liking in that way. I feel like I lack the emotions or cognitive ability to love someone, I didn't lack the ability to build connections to people I felt were great. Now, this existence I've created in my head has gotten bigger and bigger. There is so much grey that I can't deal with cause It's simply out of my reach. I can't just make people in my life disappear. It's not like cancer is going to hit all the grey and make me live with out it causing my to start feeling again. That's just a load of #######4. And this is where I think I'm lacking something in my brain that lets me find motivation in things. To build relationships with people. To since feelings such as happiness, sadness. I've researched all kinds of things that I feel I might have and the closest things have been overactive imagination and reactive detachment disorder because I do feel I might of not received the attention that my parents should have given to me due to me being in daycare a lot of times. But this really is just me pulling strings and not really knowing what to do about my situation right now. I feel like if I can find the deeper meaning as to why I feel I have to make an "existence" outside of the real world, that I think I can solve more of my problems and deal with upcoming ones as I go through life as the real me.

I didn't know I was going to write so much of this but if you go this far, thanks so much and if you make any sense as to how I'm feeling, please reply. Thanks again.
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