Our partner

my voice

Childhood Eating Disorders message board, open discussion, and online support group.

my voice

Postby gato1116 » Sun Nov 14, 2010 2:46 am

I always felt I am not accepted. I was not accepted by my parents, and therefore I always had to play a role which pleases them. I do not want to have a mask any more.

I was forced to stay at my parents' house when I was in school. If you are a kid, you have nowhere to sleep, right? And I hated it. I hated my house which was not my taste. I hated my parents because they were not open. I hated my cat because she used to pee on my books.

I really need people who nurture my own personal voices which has been oppressed by my parents for a long time. I have nobody who can nurture me now. I attended some group therapies, but they just educate me. I really need somebody I can be really open. I need somebody with whom I can share my feelings.


I don't like my art teacher because she is not very sweet. She sometimes feel frustrated with me. I do not like when a person is frustrated with me.

I also need to know how to accept myself. I cannot accept myself, my own desire and thoughts. I have to admit and approve myself.


CBT tells me that
Rational and helpful self-statements that can become permanent and "automatic" is important. I should write a self-statment.

I like relaxing.
I like being lazy.
I like having fun.
It is totally OK to dislike some people and their behaviours.
(When I was a kid, I felt SOOOOOOO guilty when I had some negative feelings about some people).
I think it is important to contain some feelings for a while.

Nobody has rights to raise their voice and speak to me.
Nobody has rights to yell at me.
I don't like being touched by strangers.
I don't like people who do not show care.
I don't like people who do not care about others.
I don't like people who are uneducated.
I don't like people who are not delicate.
I don't like people who don't accept changes.
gato1116
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1098
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:16 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:12 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: my voice

Postby gato1116 » Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:30 am

I ate four cookies today. I am trying to cut down sugar because it is not good for your mental health.

I attended a workshop, and there were cookies served. I think when I go out, I should always carry my own snack to protect myself from unhealthy food. Today I bought almonds and dates. They will accompany with me tomorrow.

Also, when I asked a question, the workshop organizer made a grimace on her face. It was really rude. I hate her.
I don't like English native speakers who are stupid. They don't even speak another language and then when they find other people's English mistakes, they laugh at them. What a racist they are!

This event stressed me out, and I ate the four cookies.
gato1116
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1098
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:16 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:12 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: my voice

Postby gato1116 » Thu Nov 18, 2010 8:24 pm

When I was a child, I was so called "Uchibenkei", which is a person who speak and self-experss at home, but be quiet in public. I think if I have ever expressed myself in public when I was a child, my view to 'the world' must have been different. 'The world' was the place to oppress and misunderstand me. I feared in the world. I kept my feelings and thoughts within myself. It caused me an eating disorder. Now I want to get out of the world that I constructed, because the world is merely MY view to the world.
gato1116
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1098
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:16 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:12 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: my voice

Postby gato1116 » Sun Nov 21, 2010 1:58 pm

When I was around 1 year-old, my privacy used to be violated.
I could not use the toilet yet, so I needed to pee in the bowl, but the bowl (it looked like a duck) was located in the living room (communal place). I really did not like it. I hesitated to pee. :roll:

This led me to a fantasy that I want to have sex in front of many people. I have never tried it, but I always have this fantasy. When I masturbate, I always think about being exposed to many curious eyes.

BUT I want to stop having this fantasy. I need to think what I can do to stop this fantasy.

Basically my privacy was violated when I was around 1 year-old. Therefore, I need a sense that my privacy is protected.
To have this sense, what can I do? I can make a list of my privacy. (boundary list).
gato1116
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1098
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:16 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:12 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: my voice

Postby gato1116 » Wed Nov 24, 2010 11:12 pm

I am now trying to analyze my meal life.
First content,

I am trying to cut down caffein, alcohol and sugar. Especially when I am stressed out, it is very tempting to drink alcohol, coffee and binge sweets.

Also, I would like to stop using sodium (salt), but I need a substitute. This Saturday, I am going to a farmer's market, and buy a sufficient amount of herb, and used it instead of salt.
Regarding sugar, I tend to eat them at a cafe. For example, when I go to a Second Cup, the cookies and muffins are in the show window, and I can't help ordering them. NO I cannot stop it. Black chocolate chips on the white dough, white chocolate chips on the black cocoa dough... Fluffy muffins....

Skills: Do no enter the cafe. Then what can I do if I get tired when I am out, and take a break? Well... you can go to the library, community centre or hospital. They have seats and benches.
What if I get thirsty when I am out? Bring your own drink from home. What if I run out of them? You can buy a drink at the convenient store, but do not go to a cafe.

What if I get tired and feel like eating sugar? Get some rest or sleep. Sleeping refresh you and rejuvenate your day, but sugar just insert you an acute energy, and does not last so long. Be careful with sugar.

What if I get very stressed and feel like drinking alcohol? Well... you can take a pen and a paper and write down why how what you are stressed out about. You can also call a distress line or montreal talk line. you can also cook, or focus on your five sensors.
gato1116
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1098
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:16 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:12 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: my voice

Postby gato1116 » Sat Nov 27, 2010 3:29 am

Being at home was very stressful for me when I was a kid. My father use to wear only an underwear in a communal space such as kitchen and living room. Sometimes I could see his genital from his underwear. It was very vulgar, and devastating. I felt very uncomfortable when he does that.

I binged whenever I had to see him walking round the house only in underwear. I am now away from him and very happy that I don't need to see him any more.

I am now living in a shared house. It IS very stressful. I do not like seeing a landlord when I come home. (He is living on the first floor and I am living on the second floor). Today I was about to enter the house, but I saw the door to the landlord room was open, so I went to the Starbucks and spent some time. When I came home again, the door was closed, so I felt safe and could come home. I really hope that I can find my own apartment as soon as possible.
gato1116
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1098
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:16 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:12 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: my voice

Postby gato1116 » Mon Nov 29, 2010 2:06 am

I do not have confidence about myself. When I do not have confidence about myself, I think I project my general anxiety on people around me. Also, When I do not have confidence about myself, I feel very frustrated. First I feel frustration, and second I feel anger against myself. And I think I throw this anger towards people around me.

Since I was a kid, I have had little confidence about myself. I think this is because I was surrounded by the bad environment. People did not allow me to ask questions. Asking questions is very important to understand your environment and the world. Therefore, I felt I do not understand the world.

I now hate my family, teachers and all the people I met when I was a kid. They did not help me. I really hate them.

Here in Toronto, I am allowed to ask questions. On the contrary, if I do not ask questions, I do not get information.
gato1116
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1098
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:16 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:12 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: my voice

Postby gato1116 » Tue Nov 30, 2010 6:28 pm

I have not feeling very well these days. When I was a kid, my teachers told me to eat fast. That is why I eat very fast now. When I eat fast, i cannot take time to feel full in my stomach. I tend to eat more than I want to eat. I want to stop this.

I want to eat more slowly, so that I can feel satisfied.

Also, I want to enjoy eating.
gato1116
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1098
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:16 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:12 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: my voice

Postby gato1116 » Sun Dec 05, 2010 10:30 pm

Recently my situation is really bad. I am being evicted from my apartment by an evil landlord.
I started binging again. this is a good chance to analyze my symptoms.
When symptoms appear, it is always good to observe them.
When they sleep, you cannot see and you cannot observe them.
gato1116
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1098
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:16 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:12 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: my voice

Postby gato1116 » Mon Dec 06, 2010 3:15 am

I today binged a lot of french fries. I have a stomach-ache now.

When I was a kid, my mother bullied me by food. She did not let us choose what we want to eat. She just made whatever she wanted to. I really hate her!!! I hate her, hate her, hate her!!!

She is really an unprofessional mother. She does not care about our health. She did not provide us with healthy food. She hates us, and I hate her!!

But now I am an adult, and she is away and has nothing to do with mylife. So I can find somebody with whom I can feel comfortable...
Last edited by gato1116 on Wed Jan 12, 2011 4:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
gato1116
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1098
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:16 am
Local time: Wed Nov 25, 2020 6:12 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Childhood Eating Disorders

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest