I'm a gentle little boy in a huge man's body

I used to be this skinny little autistic kid, and parents and educators always told me that anything that went wrong in my life happened because I 'Was playing games', or 'Wanted to cause trouble for them'
I was supposed to know better because I was 'So smart'
This year is the first year in my 42 years on Earth that I've stopped listening to criticism, opened up, and started acting on impulse, to overwhelming positive response from strangers. ('Just be yourself'is a major cliche, but it seems to work)
The problem is... I don't know how to handle this.
I'm 6 '2, 280 LB, jacked as hell, and I thought that little boy was decades dead, buried beneath a mountain of abuse and violence.
But lately, I can feel him, and I weep for him, something I haven't been able to do for so, so long.
All these years, I wasn't growing up, I just grew older. I'm emotionally stunted, torn between childlike innocence and insane rage.
I have to move forward, I see this as my final shot at contentment.
Happiness was never an option.