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Toxic parenting

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Toxic parenting

Postby jusco » Sat Jul 04, 2020 5:35 pm

My relationship with my mother has improved through the corona lockdown. It’s easier to phone than visit. I don’t have to go back to where I grew up so many years ago. I don’t feel like she is still looking at me, turned 50 and thinking I have disappointed her. Quick chat on the phone, make sure she is ok, and I can make my excuses.

My single mother enabled abuse by someone else. Was her authoritarian parenting abusive? She didn’t mean it to be. “Boys need a firm hand”. That what she used to say. Outside the house I was the model child, she was always happy to tell friends how well I did at school, how good I was at music ( I hated the lessons and she could I’ll afford them). Inside the house it was her rules or the firm hand. From about 8 I had a little notebook that lived in the kitchen drawer and two sets of stickers, black ones and red ones. If I misbehaved I used to have to put a sticker in the book, she’d tell me red or black. Friday before bed she’d get the book out. One black was ok, two blacks got me two wallops with a rubber soled exercise sandal, three blacks was 3 wallops etc. A red meant the wallops were on the bare behind. Most weeks I’d get a walloping, often enough on the bare behind. I used to have to bend over a chair and keep still for it. My uncle used to give my three cousins the same treatment, he used to do it with a gym shoe and he threatened to use it on me. ‘ six on the bare and you won’t sit down for a week’ This was all quite ok then, 1970s. Now it’s just a bad memory.

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Re: Toxic parenting

Postby Terry E. » Sat Jul 04, 2020 9:32 pm

and the child lives in fear all week. Very hard to know love in that environment.

How are you today. Have you ever been able to have a loving relationship with anyone ??
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Re: Toxic parenting

Postby jaus tail » Mon Jul 13, 2020 4:28 am

i guess for some parents their children are like proof of their success. like some competition. example when one participates in cake baking competition, one wants their cake to be best... likewise some parents want their children to be ideal irrespective of how much the child is struggling inside.
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Re: Toxic parenting

Postby jusco » Thu Aug 13, 2020 3:53 pm

thanks for the replies.

I can understand that she wanted me to do well - that's normal, i think, for parents, and I can understand that she thought I needed discipline. There are lots of good things she did and sacrifices she made for me growing up. I struggle to understand why she thought her type of discipline was OK, good even. I know the standards of the time were different and corporal punishment, smacking, slippering were accepted. Did she not realise just how horrible it was and that I'd have that knowledge all week that I was going to be punished?

When I was younger, as long as I remember and it was the threat ' any nonsense and you'll bend over my knee', 'you need a spanked bottom' Then when I was 8 she used her Scholl sandal on me for the first time - she showed it me and told me what she was going to do and I remember pleading with her not too - 'I'll never misbehave again etc". It had a flat rubber sole - not the wooden type fortunately. 'Any nonsense and you'll feel my Scholl' Not long after we started the behaviour book. She sat me down and I had my rules and consequences, stickers for breaking them and punishment explained to me. I remember being told that I needed the behaviour book because I was badly behaved and she hoped this would make me behave better. I realised quickly that instead of an occasional severe punishment for very bad behaviour i'd be get much more punishment for minor things.

On Friday nights we both knew what was in the book, but all the same it would come out, if it had no stickers I would get a treat that weekend (sweets) one sticker and it was a pass - no punishment. Any more and I was punished. There was no discussion. Mum would put a kitchen chair out and I'd be told to either bend over, or bare bottom and bend over, any complaining, whining or not bending over meant two extra wallops. I changed school at 11 and i remember that was when we stopped the behaviour book. I don't know why, I still had strict discipline and occasionally Mum still used the Scholl sandal on me.

I don't think I was badly behaved generally, but i remember being told I was often enough, 'you need a spanked bottom; 'you need a firm hand', 'you need to feel my Scholl' .

thx for listening
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Re: Toxic parenting

Postby jaus tail » Fri Aug 14, 2020 6:21 am

my therapist said when someone is angry n taunts.. its cause that person doesnt get enough affection. so the person resorts to doing drama to getting attention.

my mom never had many friends or helpful relatives... thus her rage..

also she was proud of her anger. like she had an image from her childhood about being short-tempered and she must be feeling obliged to live upto that image. her friends would fear her rage and she was proud of it.

even i had become like that. i would look for excuses to shout at people and reinforce my 'image' as an angry person.

my mom knew a few times she had crossed limit with her children. but she would take me out for a movie, or make some good food for me, and neutralize her guilt. but her behavior wouldnt change.

people cant change easily.

yeah i feel bad for her at times. she wasnt all bad. she's alone now. old. no friends or relatives. but i also cant forget her behavior towards me. it was toxic. its all messy now.
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Re: Toxic parenting

Postby Terry E. » Sat Aug 15, 2020 4:03 am

Jusco,maybe one day when you are well grounded you can think back to the occasions that demanded you having to place a sticker in that book and what you had done. I bet when you think about it, you will find the vast majority may have been omissions of chores, or forgetting her rules, but not what normal people would consider naughty behaviour by being risk taking against proper advice or being selfish or greedy.

From what I know she was doing it to satisfy a need for herself. Maybe sadism, maybe control, maybe to fill a whole in a pathetic life.

Not normal and very, very bad, and very very damaging.

Whatever you achieve in life take pride in it because she put you behind the starting line by her selfishness.

Take care.
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