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I feel like I was abused

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I feel like I was abused

Postby Psychedelicflower » Fri Jun 12, 2020 7:15 am

I'm not sure how to word this properly so I apologise if this is all over the place. For many years, I've had it in my head for some reason that some sort of trauma or abuse happened at nine years old but I have no memory of anything ever happening at that specific age. I know sometimes you can repress your memories and I wonder if repressed memories from when I was nine.

For six years I grew up in an abusive household. There was never physical violence but there was throwing things, shouting, intimidation and such. Always walking on eggshells and having to keep my younger brother distracted because if not, he would bother my parents when they were arguing and my dad would get annoyed because "He shouldn't be hearing this" or sitting up in the dark listening intently for sounds of raised voices. Trying to make out what voices are saying. If they're happy and it was safe to sleep or not. Getting up to go to the toilet or making excuses to pop my head in to see if they were tense, happy mad etc to know if things were safe. I was an anxious mess. From what my mum and other family has told me, my dad has tried many drugs. He used to do speed years ago but no idea how often. But often enough for a while. He's smoked weed every day since he was in his early twenties and I grew up around it. He would smoke it at parties or just in general around his friends when I was a toddler but when I was a child he would hide in another room away from me to smoke it. He always had friends coming in and out. Always had friends over but my mum was never allowed to go out or have anybody over.

As I grew up, my mum left him and I don't really remember anything apart from a few memories here and there until 11. Then everything is hazy from 11-15. I was being groomed online and raped at 14 and 15.

So I know that I probably have trauma from growing up in that household and from the sexual exploitation and grooming as well as the rapes, but I can't shake that something happened to me at nine. I'm sure of it. But I don't know why I'm so sure of it.

We were never really left alone with anybody. My mum had to stop working to care for my brother, so she was always around. Before that, my aunt and gran watched us.

I know when I was around nine, I remember getting really scared if the door wasn't locked and bolted (I'd check multiples times a night.) I'd started biting my nails and skin of my fingers and I started to be scared to talk to people. I was always shy but I started having severe anxiety if I had to even ask a waiter In a restaurant for the check or anything. That summer I got really depressed and I sat on the family computer playing online games and on YouTube for six seven hours at a time and hardly eating anything (I'm autistic so I do have trouble recognising when I need food etc)

I also know that I remember being extremely sexual and very inappropriately sexual. I'd have weird fantasies at a young age (I can't remember the content only that I found them weird) and would masturbate excessively. I don't remember what age I was when these things occured but I'm sure it was before 11. I could have just been a curious kid, sure, but I can't help but wonder if there's a more sinister reason, sadly.

I remember a boy who was obsessed with me when I was a child. He kissed me when we were six and I'd dropped my pencil under the table. He crawled under there with me and kissed me. He followed me to the bathroom and when we were alone he pushed me up against the wall and tried to touch me. I ran into the bathroom to get away from him.

I have been diagnosed with Autism, Depression and C-PTSD. I know that I went through a lot but I just don't know why I'm so adamant that something happened at nine.

I'm currently in trauma focused therapy. I'm about to start going over my abuse in detail and I'm extremely anxious about it. Especially since I can't remember much of anything from my childhood.

I don't know what to do and it's really eating me up inside.
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Re: I feel like I was abused

Postby NeverHadAChance » Mon Aug 17, 2020 4:31 pm

Do you think a robbery could have happened at age 9? Or a visit from the police? It seems like the door is a big part of it, and that seems to indicate the presence of a threat coming into your home.

I hope your therapy is helping you.
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Re: I feel like I was abused

Postby Johei » Thu Sep 03, 2020 2:58 am

Not sure if there was active abuse (early on, later, clearly, yeas), but your obsession with locked doors indicated you felt unsafe at a young age.
Maybe your way of distancing yourself from your parents' constant fighting was to lock yourself away with your sibling. To create a safe place where the bad things didn't happen.

Sorry to be blunt, but if a grooming gang got to you, you need some serious counceling, or emerging personality disorders will destroy any family you plan to start.

All my love and sympathy to you. If I could get my hands on the animals who hurt you, I would curb-stomp the lot of them, but that won't ease the pain. You just need to learn to love, to be loved, without deriving your value from offering your body as currency.
Oh, sweet girl, my heart bleeds for you.
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