Why Am I So Scared?

I have DID. I was dx 1.5 years ago. So there's quite a bit of trauma that I know of, and then there's amnesia for a whole bunch of my life as well. I have regained memories as an adult, but there is still more missing. This is some of the easier stuff for me to talk about and I'm just now exploring the fact that maybe it had a serious impact on me.

For my entire life as I remember, I have had debilitating anxiety, especially of people. When people are around I feel lost and I feel afraid. I feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen. I feel like I'm not allowed to look them in the eye and that I'm not allowed to speak. I feel as if I am not allowed to exist. I feel like an inconvenience to others, just by existing.

I try to make myself small and submissive. I agree to everything that is said, I refuse to share an opinion of my own. I'm not even sure if I have opinions. Everyone is smarter than me, everyone is more charming than me, everyone is more attractive than me, my entire worth is determined by what man wants to have sex with me. I am an object, to use. I'm not sure if I'm worth much at all.

People tell me I am very smart, I'm beautiful, I'm a good person, but I feel like a fraud. I couldnt possibly be any of those things. I'm worthless, and disgusting. I hurt people just by being in their presence.

Some days, most days, it is hard to leave the house. Sometimes when I'm driving, I drive unsafely, just because I am afraid of inconveniencing the other drivers on the road with me. I look in my rearview and I know whoever is behind me is hating me for not getting out of the way. I anguish, making sure I am in the very middle of the lane. In my head, I always hear my father say, that he hates people who hug the lines. Over and over he tells me, as I desperately try to stay in exactly the middle of the lane.

When there is a knock on my door, my first instinct is to hide. I pancake onto the floor and hide, so no one can see me through the window. If I have time, I will run to the bathroom, lock the door, and run the shower. My mother told me to never let them know we were home. We hid from the people that came to the door. Like the truancy officer, DFCS, case workers, or police. So today, I still hide. I'm 29 years old and I hide because my Amazon package just arrived.

I cant even answer the phone. I run my own business, and I'm terrified of answering the phone. Just like the door, I was told to never answer the phone. It was always people trying to take our house or car. If I answered the phone, I would be homeless.

I feel like my parent's own mental health issues made me terrified, hypervigilant, and paranoid. They didnt speak to me really, or acknowledge me, and I was pulled from school, so human contact as a kid was limited until I went into foster care at 14.

I've finally come to this sort of realization that these things probably had a significant impact on my current issues. I was a neglected kid. I feel like I'm just now learning things that I was supposed to be taught as a kid. Like how to handle emotions and how to interact with people. I just dont know how to heal.

There are times I feel like this. Especially about being a fraud.

It sounds like when you wrote this, you were someone who feels like you're still living in that time when you were a child. It can't be that you always feel like that, because you run your own business and have friends who recognize your goodness and intelligence.

Come over to the DID forum. It's fairly active, and there are a lot of wise and well-informed people on there, some of whom are much farther along on their journeys.

If you're not in therapy, please try to find someone who specializes in treating DID. One place to look is on isst-d.org.

WhatTheySaid wrote:I feel like I'm just now learning things that I was supposed to be taught as a kid. Like how to handle emotions and how to interact with people. I just dont know how to heal.

This is exactly right--parts of you don't know how to do that, but parts of you clearly do. The way to heal is to work with a good therapist. And also to work on communication among the different parts of you.

What you say rings true with me.
Do you ever have this feeling like you can't speak your mind, because if you say too much, people will realize you are not like them, not a real person, just an intruder pretending to belong.
If they find out, they will all point at you and scream: 'Look at him/her! Pretending to be like us! Fake, Imposter! Run him/her out of town!'
Everyone feels like this sometimes, but in your case, because you had to spend so much of your childhood hiding, pretending not to exist, it is woven deeply into your psyche.
You yearn to exist, but you're afraid to.
That's why, when some guy views you as a sex-object, you feel like you at least have SOME value.
He acknowledges your existens, even if it is for base reasons.
But you DO exist. You DO have value as a person.
I had similar experiences, and what helped me, was to help people who had it worse then me.
Find joy in giving joy to those who are without it, and remember:

'Open your eyes, open your mind, proud like a God, don't pretend to be blind. Trapped in yourself, break out instead, beat that machine that burns in your head'