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Strange Abuse That Has No Reason? Repressed memories?

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Strange Abuse That Has No Reason? Repressed memories?

Postby circularcircus » Fri May 01, 2020 12:17 am

Warning: Very brief drug use, abuse, sexual abuse?? Drowning, puke, just a lot of upsetting things I don’t know what specifically I’m sorry jsut tread with caution here

Hello, I’m not sure how to start this but lately I’ve been having very severe flashbacks involving my father, and recently around last night 2 other relatives on his side. My family has come from a long line of severe abuse, my mother having tendencies of abuse but I would only say she’s just going through a lot, she had a lot of abusers on her side of the family, including a town druglord that she got a restraining order against, and a stepdad that she said had felonies and 6 illegal marriages in other states. My father on the other hand, seems to be full of covert abusers - but they are the side of the family that troubles me the most. As my parents got a divorce, they started harassing me more and more, guilttripping me for not coming to see them, despite them refusing to give me a card one year because my mother refused to leave me alone with them - which I later went to find out was because another relative in my family accused my grandpa of molesting her.

Besides that, things had always seemed merely on the side of physical and emotional abuse, with a lot of conflict with the parents - until recently. I started having extreme wells of memories come up when I got too stressed and then I’d just straight up pass out, wake up some minutes later, and forget everything that just happened, and I’d be totally upbeat with no recollection except that I knew I had some sort of strange blackout. This went from once a month, to every week, and eventually, to every night - as it got to this severity, my friend helped me work through it - because in these blackouts, a key in them was that I seemed to be fighting memories. When I started remembering too much, the blackout would happen. However one night my friend helped me work through it and guided me in a controlled manner where I wouldn’t say too much at once, and asked me to visualize a remote that paused, rewound, etc of the memory - this worked for a bit, and I worked through it slightly. The memories I relived however I can’t talk about here they were a lot more explicit and personal so yeah. But I wound up still having a blackout, but retaining some of the memory regardless, instead of straightup forgetting it all.

Skip a week later or so, the blackouts were null at this point, I hadn’t had many memories unless I forgot, I do forget a lot. But I got extremely high with my brother one day, and I puked from the high and started having flashbacks like crazy, specifically someone pushing my head in and saying “Drink it it’s yummy.” There was no one with me either, until later. Something to know about me - I have a very strong fear of carpet (that also appears to be trauma related) and in their house I was staying in, after I puked I was told to take off my socks - and from there the meltdown got worse at night when I wasn’t so delirious and got back up and touched it. I completely hyperventilated for hours on end, and I finally lulled to sleep somehow, though I can’t remember how. I had drawn incomprehensible scribbles meant to be memories. I told my brother, he said it sounded like repressed memories. It was the first blackout in awhile with no success in memories retaining as I was too incomprehensible at the time.

Time continued, and the flashbacks started coming more and more. There was a lot of drowning involved, a lot of water being poured on me or me being forced to hold my breath in it or similar, by who I’m almost positive is my father. Thinking back as I write this, my father was obsessed with taking me to pools. It was always the way we would “have fun”. He’d hold me under the water, and it came off as just dumb fun that was slight roughhousing. However, with these memories coming to light I look back and wonder if there was another purpose to it. I don’t know why there’s so much drowning involved in all these memories.

Another common theme in the flashbacks was that I was puking, and puking, sometimes there was a funnel or container with puke and unspeakable things were done with it that I’d really rather not say. The puke is something a lot harder for me to talk about, but to say the least, it seemed to be borderline fetish. Coincidentally, I have a lot of nausea and issues with my stomach, I always have a bit of a gag-up of my food everyday and I always thought it was normal - I have lots of heartburn and etc. My teeth are extremely weak and have never been all too healthy no matter how hard I tried.

Then last night the worst memory I’d ever had came through - I was in a fairly small but not too small shed I think, it was kind of metal but not quite. It reminded me a lot of the one in our backyard but I know it was different for a fact. My dad an relatives seemed to be there, but I can’t confirm if that’s who it is, partly because I’d rather not believe it. Though, I’d rather not believe any of this.

I was tied up and hung upside down. My remote control method for handling memories stopped working in the moment I started remembering this. A strange tube with water was put into my mouth and down my throat. I was being filled with water and I kept crying and trying to scream but I couldn’t. I started getting shaken around very roughly until I puked and then I got yelled at for puking.

In these memories the little bits and pieces I can’t quite put together follow as this. I got laughed at and who I believe was my grandpa said I looked like a pinata. He threatened to hit me with a bat and stuck his fingers between my legs and said “candy might come out.” I shook my head and he said oh yes we will next time or something along those lines. He asked if I knew how hard a bat was and laughed. The other memories that were jumbled is I had water poured over me, and one was water dyed red, that at the time I didn’t have the comprehensive ability as I do believe I was very young - but at the time I thought it was blood. Now that I’m older I know that it’s probably just dyed red water or some red juice, as it tasted like slightly weird water and it wasn’t sticky or anything like that and it fell off of me like water droplets, but there isn’t really much guarantee - regardless, it was really strange.

To escape this memory I had to develop something different as it haunted me today all day. I started imagining that the rope was like a cocoon and that I turned into a butterfly when I needed to escape. The memory bits, especially the one about the pinata and bat, stays out of my head as long as I imagine the flapping wings of a butterfly - it makes me feel a lot better so far, but I don’t know how long it will last.

Does anybody have any clue what intent someone might have to do these things? What abuse would this be considered? Could I be making this all up? Am I gross for it? Is any of this physically even possible? Why would somebody do this?

Sorry in advance for all the rambling, I know there's a lot, and I hope it's coherent because I feel like I'm all over the place here and I don't know how to convdy all of this.
circularcircus
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