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Strange Abuse That Has No Reason? Repressed memories?

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Strange Abuse That Has No Reason? Repressed memories?

Postby circularcircus » Fri May 01, 2020 12:17 am

Warning: Very brief drug use, abuse, sexual abuse?? Drowning, puke, just a lot of upsetting things I don’t know what specifically I’m sorry jsut tread with caution here

Hello, I’m not sure how to start this but lately I’ve been having very severe flashbacks involving my father, and recently around last night 2 other relatives on his side. My family has come from a long line of severe abuse, my mother having tendencies of abuse but I would only say she’s just going through a lot, she had a lot of abusers on her side of the family, including a town druglord that she got a restraining order against, and a stepdad that she said had felonies and 6 illegal marriages in other states. My father on the other hand, seems to be full of covert abusers - but they are the side of the family that troubles me the most. As my parents got a divorce, they started harassing me more and more, guilttripping me for not coming to see them, despite them refusing to give me a card one year because my mother refused to leave me alone with them - which I later went to find out was because another relative in my family accused my grandpa of molesting her.

Besides that, things had always seemed merely on the side of physical and emotional abuse, with a lot of conflict with the parents - until recently. I started having extreme wells of memories come up when I got too stressed and then I’d just straight up pass out, wake up some minutes later, and forget everything that just happened, and I’d be totally upbeat with no recollection except that I knew I had some sort of strange blackout. This went from once a month, to every week, and eventually, to every night - as it got to this severity, my friend helped me work through it - because in these blackouts, a key in them was that I seemed to be fighting memories. When I started remembering too much, the blackout would happen. However one night my friend helped me work through it and guided me in a controlled manner where I wouldn’t say too much at once, and asked me to visualize a remote that paused, rewound, etc of the memory - this worked for a bit, and I worked through it slightly. The memories I relived however I can’t talk about here they were a lot more explicit and personal so yeah. But I wound up still having a blackout, but retaining some of the memory regardless, instead of straightup forgetting it all.

Skip a week later or so, the blackouts were null at this point, I hadn’t had many memories unless I forgot, I do forget a lot. But I got extremely high with my brother one day, and I puked from the high and started having flashbacks like crazy, specifically someone pushing my head in and saying “Drink it it’s yummy.” There was no one with me either, until later. Something to know about me - I have a very strong fear of carpet (that also appears to be trauma related) and in their house I was staying in, after I puked I was told to take off my socks - and from there the meltdown got worse at night when I wasn’t so delirious and got back up and touched it. I completely hyperventilated for hours on end, and I finally lulled to sleep somehow, though I can’t remember how. I had drawn incomprehensible scribbles meant to be memories. I told my brother, he said it sounded like repressed memories. It was the first blackout in awhile with no success in memories retaining as I was too incomprehensible at the time.

Time continued, and the flashbacks started coming more and more. There was a lot of drowning involved, a lot of water being poured on me or me being forced to hold my breath in it or similar, by who I’m almost positive is my father. Thinking back as I write this, my father was obsessed with taking me to pools. It was always the way we would “have fun”. He’d hold me under the water, and it came off as just dumb fun that was slight roughhousing. However, with these memories coming to light I look back and wonder if there was another purpose to it. I don’t know why there’s so much drowning involved in all these memories.

Another common theme in the flashbacks was that I was puking, and puking, sometimes there was a funnel or container with puke and unspeakable things were done with it that I’d really rather not say. The puke is something a lot harder for me to talk about, but to say the least, it seemed to be borderline fetish. Coincidentally, I have a lot of nausea and issues with my stomach, I always have a bit of a gag-up of my food everyday and I always thought it was normal - I have lots of heartburn and etc. My teeth are extremely weak and have never been all too healthy no matter how hard I tried.

Then last night the worst memory I’d ever had came through - I was in a fairly small but not too small shed I think, it was kind of metal but not quite. It reminded me a lot of the one in our backyard but I know it was different for a fact. My dad an relatives seemed to be there, but I can’t confirm if that’s who it is, partly because I’d rather not believe it. Though, I’d rather not believe any of this.

I was tied up and hung upside down. My remote control method for handling memories stopped working in the moment I started remembering this. A strange tube with water was put into my mouth and down my throat. I was being filled with water and I kept crying and trying to scream but I couldn’t. I started getting shaken around very roughly until I puked and then I got yelled at for puking.

In these memories the little bits and pieces I can’t quite put together follow as this. I got laughed at and who I believe was my grandpa said I looked like a pinata. He threatened to hit me with a bat and stuck his fingers between my legs and said “candy might come out.” I shook my head and he said oh yes we will next time or something along those lines. He asked if I knew how hard a bat was and laughed. The other memories that were jumbled is I had water poured over me, and one was water dyed red, that at the time I didn’t have the comprehensive ability as I do believe I was very young - but at the time I thought it was blood. Now that I’m older I know that it’s probably just dyed red water or some red juice, as it tasted like slightly weird water and it wasn’t sticky or anything like that and it fell off of me like water droplets, but there isn’t really much guarantee - regardless, it was really strange.

To escape this memory I had to develop something different as it haunted me today all day. I started imagining that the rope was like a cocoon and that I turned into a butterfly when I needed to escape. The memory bits, especially the one about the pinata and bat, stays out of my head as long as I imagine the flapping wings of a butterfly - it makes me feel a lot better so far, but I don’t know how long it will last.

Does anybody have any clue what intent someone might have to do these things? What abuse would this be considered? Could I be making this all up? Am I gross for it? Is any of this physically even possible? Why would somebody do this?

Sorry in advance for all the rambling, I know there's a lot, and I hope it's coherent because I feel like I'm all over the place here and I don't know how to convdy all of this.
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Re: Strange Abuse That Has No Reason? Repressed memories?

Postby NeverHadAChance » Mon Aug 17, 2020 4:22 pm

I'm sorry nobody responded before. This is very hard to understand. I have 1 similar memory of a dream I had at a young age, but the dream was of facts I shouldn't have known at that age (unfortunately sexual). But I can't attach them to any real memory of sexual abuse.

Maybe your memories are of dreams or nightmares that you had in your youth? Maybe one of them is related to your grandfather's being accused of molestation. That might cause dreams in a child who didn't understand what that really was.
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Re: Strange Abuse That Has No Reason? Repressed memories?

Postby Actionsdefineyou » Thu Oct 29, 2020 12:01 pm

I am sorry you have to go through this, first and foremost. My heart goes out to you and your story makes me shudder and flinch. The following may be triggering or life altering or both. For anyone reading this, not just yourself. But, this is the first step for myself that helped me with my own healing process which I am still currently going through. I originally came to this forum to read similar experiences and what others chose to do about them, and the end results.
Firstly, I recommend seeing a licensed therapist, and also if you ever go to the hospital or emergency room or inpatient psychiatric facility, always request to be seen by personnel who specialize or have training in trauma care. You will get a much healthier and calmer environment which is more condusive towards healing or progress.

From the sound of what you say, you most likely are suffering from the onset of a Dissociative Disorder. It could be either Dissociative Identity Disorder (which I was diagnosed with), Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS for short), Depersonalization disorder, or Dissociative Amnesia. Though as a progressive aspiring contributor to the field of Psychology, I argue that all individuals with one of these diagnoses actually has ALL of these diagnoses, it just depends on who is more present at the time of the diagnosis...or who is allowed to be more present at the time of the diagnosis. Abuse does so much damage and alterations to the brain durimg crucial development, and so few people have enough knowledge in the fields of psychology or psychiatry or mental health to properly identify, or especially remember (due to the nature of their disorder) their symptoms or mind set.

[In my opinion, when you have multiple scompartments in your brain, created to avoid, process, or handle abuse, they will each be present at different times (sometimez frequently...sometimes never) with different recollections or ways of recollecting the abuse.]

Before addressing your situation I shall preface with the following. I am currently a student goong to college online, attempting to get a degree in the field of psychology. My statements and ideas and opinions have no credibiloty or merit and should only be considered speculation. All theories I present are based purely off personal experience and a lot of research and analyzing. Do not assume anything without consulting a licensed unbiased professional who specializes with traumatized patients. Hopefully this will provide you vocabulary necessary to point you in the right direction. Also if you do go and seek help from a mental health specialist. Be yourself. Don't lie. Don't embellish. Being honest includes not wanting to share something. Tell them you dont't feel comfortable. If you don't remember...tell them that. If you don't feel comfortable sharing...tell them you don't feel comfortable sharing. Leave the rest to them. They aren't there to force you to share secrets.


It is important to note the following:
Specific details of memories are not important. You don't "need to remember" anyrhing. Especially when it comes to healing. You just need proper diagnosis and to proceed through life accordingly. No amount of remembering will make the abuse go away or your brain heal faster. Do not get frustrated or dissapointed with yourself for lack of memory. The fact you don't remember and had black outs at a young age that were not induced by mind altering substances will eventually be sufficent enough valdation for your mind that the abuse was real and that it happened. Denial is a healthy process (despite what many argue) that the brain goes through when trying to heal itself. If your brain is denying certain things happened...then it is not yet at a stage where it is ready to accept certain events or facts. Allow the brain to go at its own pace. It knows what it is doing even though you or otbers around you might think.

I hope this helps a little bit. If you have specific questions, feel free to message me.
Stay strong,

--Alex
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