I hate my mom so much

she was always proud of her anger n shouted at her kids all the time. we were scared to use the toilet for she'd shout at us for that. the memories trigger me. i became a beggar of validation. all she ever did was demand n shout. n i hate her for this.

her emotional manipulation n blackmail messed my head. i just want her to die. she expects n guilt trips me to be with her and live happily n be gaga like some sitcom where people live happily every after.

Someone who showed unusual insight once asked me if I ever asked her why?

I told her that is only in Hollywood.

Funny how people's perceptions are distorted by this fiction.

Take care

there never will be any closure, right? its like every evening i rant to the walls about her.

I think it will get better. At least it has for me. I won't lie. At times at night I still wonder the "How" of it all. How could a mother do that. I worked out the why, pretty early, she was pretty transparent about it. (Hated our father with a passion - therefore destroy his children to prove to the world he was no good and if that caused him great pain, and it did eventually, then all the better).

Have you sifted through the facts and worked out the why ??

My wife wishes I could forget it but late at night when I am half asleep I have joined dots I never could when fully awake. The more I can understand it the less emotional I can be about it.

So have you sifted out the why ??

Jaus Tail, I'm sorry you are going through this. I think at least some closure comes when you're able to see yourself apart from her influence. It takes time and a fundamental change in how you view yourself relative to her. It's difficult to do because as you said, her influence was such a large part of your formation. It may help to think about what should have been, instead of what was. You could think about how you would have conducted yourself in her position, in raising you and your siblings. In that way, you can maybe begin to build up your own idea of who you really are, independent of her.

Terry has already done this in a way, he's farther along in life and has raised his own family, without repeating his abuse. I'm sure he would tell you that's a learning experience. If you don't yet have that opportunity, you could perhaps participate in things that allow you to contribute in some way towards others. That's another way to begin to define who you really are.

It's obviously not a simple or trivial thing. I wish we didn't have to deal with it, but we do. Our interactions with others are altered and the best we can do is try to compensate for it, and learn from it.

my mom had horrible parents of her own. like super nasty. poverty. dad died early n depression hit mom. she started taking sleeping pills n well I "googled" up side effect of sleeping pill n it showed
mood swings
irritation

she wasted major chunk of her life doing absolutely nothing other than sleep n she regrets that majorly now.

she was super proud of her anger. n thus no one talks with her. now she regrets that wish she were more angry so people wouldn't dare open their mouths before her.

her sister never guided her well. mom was poor n didn't want more than 1 kid n the sister cajoled her into having the child. she later said that because I suffered with 2 kids, I wanted u to suffer too.

but major issue was mom had toxic childhood with angry father who'd treat his wife like dirt.

that's where the rage comes from...

all mom cared about was maintaining a façade of happiness irrespective whether her family is suffering inside.

Perfect mixture there for lots of bad stuff. I wish people would realize the consequences of actions. They reverberate down through generations. Many unborn people will suffer due to someones uncaring or selfish act.

How old are you (roughly) and how much contact do you have to have?

any relationship family of your own to lean on?

avatar123 wrote:
If you don't yet have that opportunity, you could perhaps participate in things that allow you to contribute in some way towards others. That's another way to begin to define who you really are.

That is very good.

That is actually something I never thought about but in my 20s I was heavily involved with a sporting group, dragged it from oblivion into the light. I found it hard so socialize, still do, but this was not socializing it was "doing", and when you cam away after putting on a comp, there was this load of self respect that built and built. Like a thick protective skin. Gave me a new definition of me.

Terry E. wrote:How old are you (roughly) and how much contact do you have to have?

any relationship family of your own to lean on?

i'm 30. we live in separate cities but I feel obliged to talk with her. like guilt at times, cause she's alone.
at times I realize even I've made mistakes so whom am I to throw the first stone..

then I think she did best she could. it wasn't that she was all bad. there were some good memories, but many many horrible memories.

she never validated me.

Good that you are able to see both sides. That shows you can still be objective. So you can be fair to her but also to yourself, recognizing what was wrong and how it affected you, regardless of fault or blame. That's a good starting place, it actually shows progress on your part. You've probably been fair to her all along, now maybe emphasize being fair to yourself a bit more.