I hate my mom so much

I just cant stop thinking what would've been had the past been different. I sort of became craving attention n validation from everywhere. made a horrible bunch of friends who'd bully but still i'd hang out with them.

now I feel anger. I just wish someone had helped her at the right moment or had helped me...

I would feel so guilty at minute mistakes. if only things were better, I wouldn't have been bullied. I feel like they are laughing at me now...

often I think that then maybe nothing in life is in our control... might as well just sit idle n wait for time to pass.... I mean one can even kill someone n say 'yeah well my parents made me into this kind of person.'

jaus tail wrote:
I just cant stop thinking what would've been had the past been different. I sort of became craving attention n validation from everywhere. made a horrible bunch of friends who'd bully but still I'd hang out with them.

I just wish someone had helped her ..... or had helped me


'

The first part is hard to read. I keep busy, always reading, keep changing hobbies and interests as either I run out of stuff to read or it becomes passe'. I have realised it is basically what you said. Not so much that I don't want to remember, but the what would my life be like can really haunt you. Takes one into self reflection and has no answer. Not a good place.

The second one is to me the really sad one and something you share with all of us. In all cases there was someone, who could have changed our lives.

You may have been bullied and your life has had way more pain than it should have. Not sure if you can see it but you show good resilience. You are stronger/tougher than many think.

Those emotions and thoughts are pretty normal, considering what you've been through. They show that you are working through the causal factors in your life. That's a good thing even though it can feel pretty miserable.

Also your description of the approval seeking, being crushed by mistakes, bad choices for friends, being bullied, those are things every emotionally abused person will recognize. It's the pattern that results from being treated like you're a substandard person. That's something non-abused people don't really get about abuse, they think the person is just weak or lacks self-confidence, and many even see those as vulnerabilities to be exploited (hence the bullying). But it goes far deeper than that.

This is not about me, but my father's nickname for me was "dunce". So I constantly strove to show that I was not stupid, but although as a kid I wasn't able to understand this, that actually made things much worse. The better I did in school or elsewhere, the more abuse I would get. One time I fixed an electronics problem that he had been struggling with for days. I thought he would be happy, instead he was furious and I was punished. He needed to prove that I was stupid, because that's what his father had done to him. His educational opportunities were thrown away, and he did his best to see that mine were too.

Those kinds of things take a toll, you are in an impossible, morally reversed situation for which you can never receive the approval you seek. It's bad enough to face that as an adult, as a child it's devastating.

It took me a long time to see that I never should have had to seek that approval in the first place. I was entitled to better treatment from a parent, just as you were, just as Terry was. Fortunately I had some relatives who at least provided a better example, even if they couldn't change things. I'm truly sorry that you didn't have that.

So for now, I think you are on the right path in your thoughts and even your anger. And even though it feels like crap, that understanding will eventually help you. Just don't give up, it does get better over time. Every abused person goes through something like this. It's not fair but it's a part of the process, and another price you have to pay for your abuse. It sucks but at least it's finally honest.

jaus tail wrote:all mom cared about was maintaining a façade of happiness irrespective whether her family is suffering inside.

Hi jaus tail,

I relate to this. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don’t. I hope you are able to find peace. You’ve suffered long enough. Good luck in your journey.

i regret the bullies more than anything. i became like a people-pleaser.

in all honesty n a bit hypocrite, i wouldnt recovered more easily had i not made gay pass at friend. that pass sort of gave him the license to treat me like $#%^.

after that i had a breakdown n went to psychiatrist n then all memories came flooding back. the psychosis, identity issues were intense then. still are but it doesnt bother me much.

i wish someone had saved me from the childhood abuse. wish i had received some call before i made the gay pass. wish it had never happened.

its like my mind dreams of a parallel world where the past is different.

i'm not able to focus... imagine your mind is a laptop with internet connection. now a huge file is being downloaded and its taking forever... this reduces internet speed for other activities... likewise i'm unable to focus on present because i'm so much dreaming of a different past.

This sounds like you are in mourning for the events of the past. I think that's pretty normal, everyone needs to grieve over the unfortunate events of their lives. All the 5 stages of grieving are in play. You might review them and see where you are in that process. Right now all your attention is focused there. That's one of the signs of grief, it just takes over for awhile. But as you go through the stages, things will eventually improve. For now, maybe just give yourself that time and consideration. Its not an easy thing to go through, so take care of yourself as a first priority.

It's been 7 years since the breakdown. I still hope it hadn't happened. That all this is a nightmare that'll get over soon.