by avatar123 » Fri Feb 14, 2020 8:08 am
Those emotions and thoughts are pretty normal, considering what you've been through. They show that you are working through the causal factors in your life. That's a good thing even though it can feel pretty miserable.
Also your description of the approval seeking, being crushed by mistakes, bad choices for friends, being bullied, those are things every emotionally abused person will recognize. It's the pattern that results from being treated like you're a substandard person. That's something non-abused people don't really get about abuse, they think the person is just weak or lacks self-confidence, and many even see those as vulnerabilities to be exploited (hence the bullying). But it goes far deeper than that.
This is not about me, but my father's nickname for me was "dunce". So I constantly strove to show that I was not stupid, but although as a kid I wasn't able to understand this, that actually made things much worse. The better I did in school or elsewhere, the more abuse I would get. One time I fixed an electronics problem that he had been struggling with for days. I thought he would be happy, instead he was furious and I was punished. He needed to prove that I was stupid, because that's what his father had done to him. His educational opportunities were thrown away, and he did his best to see that mine were too.
Those kinds of things take a toll, you are in an impossible, morally reversed situation for which you can never receive the approval you seek. It's bad enough to face that as an adult, as a child it's devastating.
It took me a long time to see that I never should have had to seek that approval in the first place. I was entitled to better treatment from a parent, just as you were, just as Terry was. Fortunately I had some relatives who at least provided a better example, even if they couldn't change things. I'm truly sorry that you didn't have that.
So for now, I think you are on the right path in your thoughts and even your anger. And even though it feels like crap, that understanding will eventually help you. Just don't give up, it does get better over time. Every abused person goes through something like this. It's not fair but it's a part of the process, and another price you have to pay for your abuse. It sucks but at least it's finally honest.