How I feel. Discussed it with others as well. By 10 I realised I was all alone.Parents separated and left with someone who was extremely cruel for no reason. It changed me much more than I thought. Yep by high school (12 1/2) I felt older than all the other kids, as my problems were very different than theirs. Their issues seemed so childish. It was becoming the eat and sleep priorities. I was bullied because I was different and marginalized and I felt it did not worry me as I looked on them as ignorant of the world, my world.
After leaving school (never happy there) and scraping into Uni, I was happier. That independent attitude made Uni (part time) easy for me, but I struggled with other issues without realising I was actually struggling. First inkling was when one of the partners wives died at work. I made an inappropriate joke and everyone stared (the partner was not there that day and most in that room barely knew him).
I sort of went OK. That's weird. As the years went by I found myself isolated when faced with issues of family grief. I would see that grief and wonder how weak they were to display such emotion. To have such emotion. I actually said to someone once after seeing how upset someone was to loose a mother .. "it's not like she lost a pet or something". I felt contemptuous of them and proud that no matter what, I would never cry for anyone. I think that was one of my coping mechanisms that stopped me crashing and burning. Despite all the trauma, and disadvantages in some weird strange way I knew I was different, but felt my different was better. I could feel no pain. I took pride in that, and confidence that I could damm well overcome nearly anything, short of it killing me (yes I loved that Nietzsche quote). Corny but true. In reflection I wonder if that is narcissism but think it comes from repeatedly being told I cannot do things, "you are no good in sports", being humiliated and laughed at when I tried, "you cannot pass that course, you will not pass your PY", and me working out ways to do them all. I think it may have been partly because I wanted to also participate, to share, to feel part of a community, to be accepted, but by around 12 I was just willing to work harder to prove them wrong. The prove them wrong became a fire in me that drove me way harder than was good for me.
Oh yeah back on topic. My alternative Universe. Gradually I realised I was the one out of sync. It never worried me and I learned not to make inappropriate remarks.
When my mother goes I will feel nothing. Maybe dress up as Heatwave at the crematorium and put it on youtube.
I was just wondering today how that lack of understanding about how people feel about relationships has effected me through my life. You think something is wrong with you because you are different. Then you try and fake it as you go along. You don't get close to people because they may find out, and finally you work it out and don't care (although I still fake it).
I keep having the conversation with survivors about whether we can actually love someone. I care about my family very much. If they died would I cry? No. I was close to my poor father in his final years and we cleared out his room at the retirement home the night he died and I was back at work next morning as if nothing had happened. So I care for my wife and children and have worked very hard for them to make their lives good, but without them, I don't think I would miss then that much at all. I know I should. I do all the things that I think someone should do in my position but they are conscious choices. I keep looking for a template for this stuff.
After a long time I think I am happy with that. Like I said I feel like I have come from a parallel universe where society looks the same but isn't. Yeah, happy with that.
NOTE: "Flash of Two Worlds" published in 1961written by Gardner Fox and drawn by Carmine Infantino, predates "Man in High Castle" by Phillip K Dick. Both deal with Parallel Universes