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What kind of abuse is this?

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What kind of abuse is this?

Postby NeverHadAChance » Sun Dec 29, 2019 2:58 pm

Is anyone aware of a name or category, or anything I can look up for the following?

1. Growing up my parents kind of "cheated" with words so to speak. They used manipulative language, because I was a kid so they felt they could just hide things from me (even the most trivial things).

2. They manipulated me but I couldn't say anything because verbally it all checked out and sounded like there was nothing wrong.

Please forgive the simplicity of this example: Imagine 2 people, A and B, and there's a cliff to one side. A really wants B to move out of the way so he can do something (say, put up a tent), so he talks B into moving. B doesn't want to, but A insists and makes moving sound very appealing, until B accepts.

The problem is, B is now unintentionally planning to go in the direction of the cliff. A knows this, but doesn't say anything. A could have said something, either giving up his tent for B's sake, or telling B about the danger and asking him to move in the other direction where there's no cliff. But A just covers it up with some words: "well, nobody's fallen off this cliff in years anyway, I doubt B will fall off." A believes his own rationalization, and is not bothered by his conscience, even though it is actually indisputable that B is in danger.

I feel like I was swindled/manipulated like in that example, into situations that ended up becoming big incidents in my life. Most people in my life would convince me to go off the right path for their benefit, not with the explicit or malicious intention to cause harm, but with a total callousness and indifference to the negative effects on me.

If you asked my parents if they cared, they'd say "of course" and they wouldn't be lying. But somehow all of their actions set me up for disaster and they always seemed to have some way to justify it verbally.

Because it went unchallenged, over time they dialled it up to 11 and almost everything out of their mouths was manipulative, even if there was not even any benefit for them. It became a habit.

Specific examples:

My mom really wanted me to get a beach resort membership. She tried to make it sound very appealing to me, but I kept declining. Later she came back and said "ok, I'm going to get you that membership now" as if I had agreed. I said no again. At this point she tried to paint me as antisocial and started making jabs at me. I got annoyed and wanted to talk back, but I remembered that every time something like this happened, she'd call my dad and tell him I was tormenting her, and he'd come by and yell and threaten to hit me.

I ended up getting that damn membership. I was actually extremely sick, but the doctors couldn't diagnose the issue so "verbally" my parents could take that as "he's perfectly fine, everything is great!" even though I was pleading for help. It fell on deaf ears. So I found myself completely out of sorts, out in public, where my parents promptly ditched me and I had nothing to do.

And this sadly was the unfortunate set up for things I described in a post in the remorse forum. This setup got combined with dangerously inaccurate information they and teachers gave me. Imagine someone teaching you about dynamite but pretending it isn't dangerous. Is there a name for this kind of irresponsibility? Surely it's worse than mere negligence.
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Re: What kind of abuse is this?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Dec 31, 2019 12:17 pm

I would classify this under emotional abuse. Not taking you seriously, dismissing who you are as a person by making you do things you don't want to do like that membership.
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Re: What kind of abuse is this?

Postby NeverHadAChance » Tue Dec 31, 2019 7:03 pm

quietgirl2538 wrote:I would classify this under emotional abuse. Not taking you seriously, dismissing who you are as a person by making you do things you don't want to do like that membership.


You're probably right for that particular example as the harm had been ruled out by them (based on lies, though, as I really was extremely sick), but generally I don't know if emotional abuse captures the aspect of it where the abuser puts you in harm's way or sets you up for disaster in a really obvious way, while acting as if the danger is non-existent (because they only care about their own interests).

I actually got melanoma from being out in the sun too long because of being forced to go. My dad saw the melanoma a few times and just said "huh" and then just quietly ditched me as usual. It was like "not my problem." Everything was like that. Generally they'd punish me if I asked for help beyond a very short threshold after which I'd be ruining their enjoyment, which was considered as going beyond my lowly status in the family. But then they'd also punish me if I tried to help myself. They'd use all the tricks in the book to get me to shut up and go away, but also not do what I want to do alone either: at first, attempts to manipulate me into dropping the issue, but if I persisted, ultimately there would be violent threats made against me. The only thing I was allowed to do was to be quiet and not disturb them with my problems or else they'd try and hurt me.

Then they'd put any issues like that out of their minds. If I told them later: "you knew I had melanoma and left me to die without any treatment!" they'd not even remember it, and probably get angry at me for saying something like that.

It's sheer luck that it didn't spread until I became an adult, and saw a segment on TV about self-diagnosing melanoma. Previously I was forced to put it out of my mind because of my parents.

I guess this may not fit into a category neatly. I figured there'd be something in the vein of negligence.
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Re: What kind of abuse is this?

Postby Terry E. » Wed Jan 01, 2020 1:15 am

Oh yeah, negligence will kill you just as dead as "having an accident".

So glad you found it, are you okay. Was it surgery and chemo ??
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Re: What kind of abuse is this?

Postby NeverHadAChance » Wed Jan 01, 2020 5:58 pm

It was fortunately entirely in-situ, thank God. There was no spread. It just had to be excised with a margin.

I'm not hurt because my dad failed to recognize it as melanoma (a failure of knowledge rather than morality), but the ease with which it was dropped just because it was me. He just put it out of his mind in an instant even though it was remarkable and I went to ask him about it because it looked concerning (very atypical shape/size). If it had happened to my mother he'd have insisted to get it checked out because she was worthy of dignity in his crazy pecking order, and it looked very peculiar.


Trigger warning for the rest of the post - details of abuse

Most abuse seems to happen implicitly. That specific time he didn't threaten to hit me or anything, but I was still brainwashed into not disturbing him so I ended up putting it out of my mind too, because every time I went to my parents with a concern or question in the past, they'd just say or do anything to get me to shut up. If I asked my mom about the spot on my skin, she'd have said "I don't know, hmm." and then immediately change the subject. If I tried to focus on it again she'd try to distract me more, but if I kept insisting and not letting her manipulate me into shutting up, it would end with a violent, threatening tone from my dad, the kind that makes you freeze in fear because you know how far things could escalate, as there had been some fights that reached a point where he said I was lucky to be alive at all, and implied he could "undo" my existence. In some really bad fights, he had even lifted up objects and begun swinging them at me as if about to murder me, stopping just short of doing it while huffing and puffing in rage.

My mom had also taken me aside and threatened to murder me and then kill herself with a knife in the past, over petty issues (such as not wanting to go to bed when I was a toddler), as well as threatening to crash the car and kill us both.

So my parents terrified me implicitly. Whenever I felt like I was about to disturb them, my heart would start to race. I would dissociate. And shortly I would then pretend it never happened because I couldn't handle it.

I seem to have gone a bit off topic, as I was genuinely trying to see if I was missing what category of abuse the "not caring about putting me in harm's way" part could be (e.g. insisting I go to a resort for no real reason other than to exert maximum control over me, and numerous other things far worse than even this). I guess it's just a combination of different "basic" types of abuse.

But to be honest I think I needed to write this stuff even though I did not realize it. Thank you to those who responded.
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Re: What kind of abuse is this?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Jan 03, 2020 3:04 am

This qualifies as severe emotional abuse in my opinion, as well as medical neglect. In fact, I'd say that some of the extreme incidents you mention could be called psychological torture. I hope that you have or can find a therapist who is experienced with early childhood trauma.
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Re: What kind of abuse is this?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Mon Jan 06, 2020 1:57 am

I guess this may not fit into a category neatly. I figured there'd be something in the vein of negligence.



Yes, I'd put it in the type of abuse described as neglect. I'm so sorry you've gone through all this.
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Re: What kind of abuse is this?

Postby NeverHadAChance » Tue Jan 07, 2020 6:18 pm

TheGangsAllHere wrote:This qualifies as severe emotional abuse in my opinion, as well as medical neglect. In fact, I'd say that some of the extreme incidents you mention could be called psychological torture. I hope that you have or can find a therapist who is experienced with early childhood trauma.


I think you're right but unfortunately I can't afford therapy.

quietgirl2538 wrote:
I guess this may not fit into a category neatly. I figured there'd be something in the vein of negligence.


Yes, I'd put it in the type of abuse described as neglect. I'm so sorry you've gone through all this.


I see. I was hoping for something I could look up and read about. Thanks nonetheless and thanks for your concern.
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Re: What kind of abuse is this?

Postby Terry E. » Tue Jan 07, 2020 9:04 pm

NeverHadAChance wrote:

I see. I was hoping for something I could look up and read about. Thanks nonetheless and thanks for your concern.



I have a friend in the UK whose abuse type is extreme in sex abuse while mine is extreme in physical. From the outside the cases are very different with nothing in common except our damage which we both found was very similar.

We have never done therapy although she is studied pysch.

Just study anything you can find on child abuse survivors. The general blog pots the technical articles even stuff going back to the 60s when it was child battery. It all forms a coherent picture that can help. I actually believe that approach may be superior to most therapists as most don't have enough experience.

Become your own therapist and then come back to places like this and kick your ideas around.
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Re: What kind of abuse is this?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Thu Jan 09, 2020 8:20 pm

Terry is right. I’ve found an enormous amount of validation on this forum. Just from others sharing what they go through or went through. This type of validation is not found in therapy. My suffering becomes something I can share about and just feel better by sheer validation from others. My abuse was severe emotional abuse. I have low self-esteem. No condfidence in my gifts or talents, it seems. Some of that, I have come to realize may never be changed, to be honest. It’s like I’ve been shaped to be and feel a certain way by my upbringing and changing is not easy. My thought process can’t easily be changed. I’m not stuck, no, but I view the world from the lens of how I was treated, for the most part.
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