What kind of abuse is this?

It's a bit complicated for me. Actually I'm not just a victim. My first post here was on the remorse forum, because unfortunately I was an abuser (and that fact continues to tear me apart). As part of coping with my feelings of remorse, I started trying to understand why I behaved so badly, and it led me to realize a big part of it may have been because I'd been persistently abused as a child, and that's why I came to the child abuse form, to try and figure it out. It seems I didn't really survive that abuse after all.

But maybe looking into how I was abused is just "making excuses" for my own behavior. I had let it all slide before and easily forgave the people who abused me (a long list of people). I thought at the time, I'm OK, so I can just move on and not hold a grudge. But it turns out I'm not OK. I am mentally ill and overwhelmed. And big part of it is I can't shake the feeling that while I really didn't want to do anything bad, I was forced down the path of immorality anyway. I have a clear memory of just wanting to be left alone, and generally wanting to be a good person, but almost everyone (honestly not an exaggeration) just kept hurting me and wouldn't let me get away, until finally I broke.

It's all intertwined and I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I'm not sure if I should be "allowed" to look into how others abused me. I think I will need to see a therapist after all. I will work on making that happen some day (definitely not within reach right now).

I'm not really sure what to say. Admitting you have abused other(s) is to me, in an indication that you want to change and that you don't want to continue the cycle that was not started by you. That takes a lot of guts to do. That's a very brave thing, whether you do it here anonymously or to those in your daily life. Thank you for taking the risk and wanting to change.

I always wanted to be good, or normal, when I was a kid, but I got penalized by everyone whenever I tried to behave normally. Somehow I was always the loser in every interaction. My parents always manipulated me and I would always later find myself stuck in a losing situation, and with my parents long gone and with no way to hold them accountable. My classmates would mock me and I didn't have it in me to fight back, so I developed a reputation as an easy target, and the teachers subtly reinforced that idea. They would look at me with disapproving eyes, like "sigh, what are we gonna do with that kid" as if it was my fault for being so lame and "abusable." It escalated and years later classmates would get physical with me and it always seemed very funny to everyone.

I got autoimmune disease but doctors said it was just stress, and my parents bought into that (remember, they love any solution that lets them shut me up). I kept on feeling awful but my parents would forever cite that 1 doctor as a reason for me to shut up and stop nagging them.

It broke me in the end. Even then I didn't really want to hurt people (never really did want to), but I thought everything that happened to me before was my fault for being "weak" so I changed and became aggressive. Unfortunately that means I became an abusive person.

I woke up one day and realized what a mistake I'd made, but it was already too late. I am already changed. It was easy because it has always been my true nature. I was just diverted from it for the longest time.

The child abuse aspect is core to my problem but I don't think I am able to help myself with research. I'm going to work towards being able to see a therapist.

Again, thanks so much to everyone who replied.