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Childhood abuse...

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Childhood abuse...

Postby Manners73 » Sat Dec 07, 2019 7:58 pm

It's not something I talk about because I did love my brother and I feel like I'm betraying his memory.

It wasn't his fault either. He was abused by his horrendous mother and it was like he was doing the same thing to me. He used to beat me with sticks and as I got a bit older his mother would tell him to abuse me in front of people to humiliate me (I can only assume this to be the reason). He once chased me down the street and rubbed dirt and stones in my face and called me a slut. This was in broad daylight and she was behind this.

She would also buy things for me and then tell him to steal them back and sell them. It was just weird.

I don't care about her and I don't know if she's even dead or alive as its been many many years now.

Am I betraying him to talk of him in this way because I did actually idolise him when I was young.

Should I speak to someone about this irl?
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Re: Childhood abuse...

Postby Terry E. » Sat Dec 07, 2019 8:48 pm

When abuse spills over into child on child when they have both been subjected to abuse by a parent is hard to work through. I think we are biologically geared to bond with our siblings. However in dysfunctional families this bonding often does not appear to work. (and sex abuse by siblings is a whole other issue).

I understand part of the why, the excuse for this. In some cases the child may feel that by doing this they are preventing or deflecting their own abuse. In other cases they themselves may be broken and never recover.

How you should feel about them I think comes down to whether they have regret, remorse, empathy as they have gotten older. How they treat you now. How they are as a person now. Are they are good person ?

My mother was a monster and made my brother one. (He eventually, coldly one day smashed her nose - unprovoked in cold blood, just as he walked by, it was like a mallet hitting a tomato, it was smashed not broken). He was 23 at the time. He is not a very nice person, and I keep my children even though they are both now in their 30s away from him. If I had seen change, a lot of change or if he had (God forbid) ever had children it would be different, but as it is I am happy to only see him at family funerals. Once in 25 years.

Try not to dwell on it. It sounds like your mother was a wholly unpleasant person.

Look after yourself -take care.
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Re: Childhood abuse...

Postby Manners73 » Sat Dec 07, 2019 9:01 pm

My brother died this time last year and it's since then that I've thought about it.

His mother used to tell me that her mother always told her never to hit me because she could see something in my eyes. From that I always presumed that she was scared of me so she got my brother to do her dirty work.

He spent most of his life a drug addict and in and out of prison. I hadn't seen him in the last 20 years and I have nothing to do with her either. She's not my mother, she doesn't deserve that title.

Thank you for your reply Terry and you take care too.
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Re: Childhood abuse...

Postby Wally58 » Sun Dec 08, 2019 10:30 am

I have tried to come to peace with mum. Abuse was likely what she grew up with and was all she knew about how to control children.
Her spontaneous rage and discipline methods were not her fault
That helped me to forgive her.

Every mistake I make used to bring back the flood of all the mistakes I've ever made. Shame has no place in my recovery today.
She is gone now. It does me no good to carry ghosts around with me. I have to let it go and move on.
Best of luck to you. :D
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Re: Childhood abuse...

Postby HSS » Sun Dec 15, 2019 5:41 pm

Manners73 wrote:It's not something I talk about because I did love my brother and I feel like I'm betraying his memory.

It wasn't his fault either. He was abused by his horrendous mother and it was like he was doing the same thing to me. He used to beat me with sticks and as I got a bit older his mother would tell him to abuse me in front of people to humiliate me (I can only assume this to be the reason). He once chased me down the street and rubbed dirt and stones in my face and called me a slut. This was in broad daylight and she was behind this.

She would also buy things for me and then tell him to steal them back and sell them. It was just weird.

I don't care about her and I don't know if she's even dead or alive as its been many many years now.

Am I betraying him to talk of him in this way because I did actually idolise him when I was young.

Should I speak to someone about this irl?


You aren't betraying your brother. It has already been clear that you like him, and if you are very attached to him, as it sounds, it means that he was able to offer you something, and in a difficult context. Your feelings have their language and their meaning.
The question of “abuse” is not to establish someone's morality and if he is a “good” person; someone thinks this way, but I think that this attitude can be very superficial, and hypocritical.
So, if you like your brother, nobody has the right to judge him, to destroy his memory, to devalue him.
But the point isn't about him; it's about you and about the possible psychological effects that you could experience today.
I don't know if you would feel better talking about it irl; it depends on the person. If you find a sensitive and open minded person, that you trust, it could be helpful; you seem to have a good intuition, to read people and choose the right person.
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