Validating my abuse?

I apologize if this topic has been spoken about many times before. I'm just feeling a little insecure about my abuse as a child, and was hoping for a bit of validation that I was, indeed, abused. I'd also like advice on what to do when I start questioning my abuse, if others have felt this way and if so what do you guys do about it?

I often feel my abuse is nothing compared to what others have gone through, and I really have no right to complain. I remember very few times my abuser actually hurt me, though the times I do remember still haunt me. Besides that, when he did hurt me it wasn't anything really bad like whipping or burning. More so, I recall living in fear of my abuser (though there were times where I openly defied him too, idk it's complicated) and him playing cruel jokes on me and belittling me. I think that's what hurt the most, was the belittling and living in fear of him. And, of course, having my trust betrayed multiple times although I knew full well his deceptive nature and probably shouldn't have believed him. However here is where I run into another problem, the emotional abuse. Although I recall him saying a lot of hurtful things to me it's hard to pinpoint any single one as an example. I recall a few instances, but can't remember them all. Even the few instances I recall of him saying something hurtful to me, I wonder, are they enough to claim emotional abuse? Or am I just being overly sensitive? Come to think of it, one of the things he said was how I was "too sensitive" when I got mad at him for poking fun of me.

TLDR: I sometimes question whether I can really say I was abused and if I was, do I really have the right to say it affected me badly enough to give me PTSD? Others have had it so much worse. Maybe I'm just being a big crybaby and need to learn to suck it up. Also, although I was abused, I wouldn't say that overall my childhood was that bad. If anything, I have quite a few fond memories of childhood and sometimes long to return to those days. Does this also invalidate my abuse? Was it not that bad if I have fond memories of that time as well? Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and answer. I'd like to know if others have gone through this as well and any tips they may have for dealing with it.

No need to apologize. I think this issue comes up for a lot of people because they've learned to set the bar pretty low in relationships. The focus tends to be on whether or not they were abused, instead of whether or not they were loved.

So you might try thinking about it that way. Were the positive things that should be expected from a loving relationship present? Did you want to provide those things while not receiving them in return? Set the comparative bar at the level of a truly good relationship. You can not be loved or neglected without there being direct abuse. Not being loved by someone who should, whether family member or significant other, is arguably a form of abuse in itself.

I think this can an effective way to deal with it as well. You can learn to see that things were not right, and that it probably wasn't your fault. That can open the door to a happier future.

avatar123 wrote: I think this issue comes up for a lot of people because they've learned to set the bar pretty low in relationships.

There were lots of very good (great) things in Avatars post but the above is the biggie. Even I at times sometimes think "hey it can't have been that bad", because society pressures me to treat her as if she was a normal loving mother .

You know what happened. Don't dwell on it as that has it's own set of issues but if is walks like a duck, quacks like a duck ..

Roseredpinball wrote: I'd also like advice on what to do when I start questioning my abuse, if others have felt this way and if so what do you guys do about it?

Personally I get on with my life. Every day in someway I think of it, when I see things, look at things, forget that I should not have ordered that meal as with my teeth these days it makes it hard to bite, but I have an internal laugh, remember what that person "tried to do to me"which was greater than the abuse, realise I won in the end, and move on. Of course lying awake at night has it's own issues but if we dwell on it they win, so ... try and move on.

Roseredpinball wrote: More so, I recall living in fear of my abuser (though there were times where I openly defied him too, idk it's complicated) and him playing cruel jokes on me and belittling me. I think that's what hurt the most, was the belittling and living in fear of him.

yep the living in fear thing. Damm I wish people could realise what it is like to grow as as a vulnerable person living in fear and negotiating their young life accordingly. Forget the "was not loved" whatever that is, the live in fear .. yep, you want validation, that is it, but people who have not lived it can never understand. I doubt therapists can either .. or many of them.

Take care, I like the way you did try and stand up to your abuser..I doubt a normal person knows how brave a young soul must be to do that

I will honestly share that my abuse was not easily validated by many people. Very very few. A good priest, a couple of good therapists, and to be honest, that's about it. Others here, like Terry, also validate my suffering. It's like no one wants to hear about it. They close themselves off to true suffering.

I have so much to share but can't quite find the right words. Please keep in mind that what is not love, is indeed not love. For you, this is abuse what you have gone through. Please know that. You are questioning and I remember doing that too. For a very very long time. Even in my adult years, I questioned things between me and my mom. I was pressured by family and friends to keep my mom in my life. But now, with the help of my therapist, I see things as they really are and there is no confusion about our toxic relationship. I'm done with her. My mom, my abuser, is not innocent. She purposely hurt me emotionally to do just that. Hurt me. She knew what she was doing and that was her intent. Not only did she abuse me, she tried to manipulate me too. And guilt me into thinking it was my fault. Like I was the one who did wrong. You are a good person, you have so much good to offer the world. I hope you feel you are validated by me, because I wanted to do that with my reply.

You know what happened. Don't dwell on it as that has it's own set of issues but if is walks like a duck, quacks like a duck ..

In my case, this is so true, and is less about dwelling on what occurred- especially since it occurred when I was so young- and more on dealing with the unconscious, negative beliefs ingrained by the abuse.

For a while, I was simply repeating dysfunctional behavior while maintaining abusive relationships, and at times I still do. I’ve slowly begun to learn to identify, acknowledge, and accept these detrimental beliefs so that I can replace them with healthier ones that will change my behavior. Inch by inch, it is a laborious process, but therapy has helped tremendously, and with progress I’ve begun to feel so much better.

I found a lot of validation in this process.

Hello

May I just focus on your saying that your abuse seemed nothing compared to others?

One of the very first things a beautiful lady said to me on my first Survivor's forum was this:

"Abuse is NOT a pissing contest as to who had it worst. EVERYONE'S worst experience is a "10" on their own scale. Its what DAMAGE you take away from it. SOme people can survive YEARS of systematic abuse and go on to live GOOD lives. Others can be ruined by a single, brief experience. Everyone's experiences are different."
-"Tinsel Cathedral"

*mod edit*

"Its all about what damage you take away from it."

Colum

Colum wrote:"Abuse is NOT a pissing contest as to who had it worst. EVERYONE'S worst experience is a "10" on their own scale. Its what DAMAGE you take away from it. SOme people can survive YEARS of systematic abuse and go on to live GOOD lives. Others can be ruined by a single, brief experience. Everyone's experiences are different."
-"Tinsel Cathedral"

yeah... abuse is abuse. belittling ones abuse just cause someone has had it worse is like saying dont go to doctor for treatment of a fever cause someone has cancer.

There is another aspect to it, that is oversimplified and that is the context that the abuse occurs in.

Abuse is like getting wet. You can get wet walking to the station to catch a train. or get wet falling out of a boat and almost drowning. Which is worse ?

Well I think a lot of it depends on what happens next. The person out of the boat is pulled back in, given warm clothes a blanket and a steaming mug of coca and a nice safe place to lie down.

The person on the way to the railway station to go to work, because their a@*hole boss won't turn up the heat gets a cold, and because they have to work late gets pneumonia. They take sickness leave, boss fires them, they can't pay their rent, they get kicked out of their flat, have to give their companion dog to a shelter and never see it again.

which was worse

The warm blanket and coco is our resilience. Many of us are not lucky enough to get it.