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Brothers Wife is Unstable and Toxic, How Do We Protect The K

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

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Brothers Wife is Unstable and Toxic, How Do We Protect The K

Postby InTheLionsDen » Mon May 06, 2019 2:06 pm

I want to say in advance, I apologize for the length of this but i and my parents are against a wall and i need some insight and advise on the best route to go from here:

My brother has been with his wife for 15 years now, at the age of 16 they had their first child. A son. I will call him "Sonny". Three years later they had their 2nd child, and a year after their final 3rd child. Both girls.
The son is now 13, "April" the first daughter is 9, and "Joy" the 3rd child is 7.

My brother and his wife were high school sweethearts and up until 6 months ago I and her were friends, there was no bad blood between us, the 3 of us even went out together on occasions like A Haunted House at Halloween. I should mention I am his younger sister, I am 25 now and he is 30, his wife is 28.

I will also mention I am a recovering addict and have been sober for 3 years now, and my brothers wife is an alcoholic/addict but is still active. My brother is in the military, so as you can imagine there are long bouts of time when he is not home. During these times, his wife and the 3 kids would come stay with our parents, their grandparents. Just so they can help, as being a single mom with 3 kids can be difficult, even more so for someone mentally unstable.

They all lived here with us, even when my brother returned, they were here for a little over a year and during that time my parents picked up in some unsettling things - their mother treated them very poorly, especially the first son, the only boy. She has even told him she does not like little boys. And it seemed more like they had moved themselves here so that they could get rid of the kids and run off to be alone. I understand parents need personal time together, and that is okay and healthy, but they would go away for days or weeks at a time and not even to check and see how the kids are doing. This upset my parents but it is not enough for one to take the children away from their biological parents, and at that point they weren't even thinking of doing that. But things have steadily gotten more and more horrific.

Joy was born premature, and with a slight form of cerebral palsy. So slight that if you met her you would have no clue. Occasionally she walks on her tip toes but physically and intellectually she is an average normal healthy child. The first few years of her life she did have a feeding tube in her belly, but it was taken out at age 4, even though she was more then capable of chewing and swallowing long before then. She is now almost 8. Her mother has used this as a disgusting label, even though Joy can write, talk, walk, eat, drink, think, laugh, run, play, build, all on an average or above avg level, her mom had the school convinced (before meeting joy in person) that she was so sick that the school needed to make or have special accommodations for her put in place!!! Wheelchairs, ramps, a personal teacher aid, the works. At one point the school even said they may not be able to accept her that being so disabled she may need a different approach together.

Aggravating, but still not enough to get custody. Eventually my brother got stationed at Texas so him his wife and their 3 kids move on out. Within 6 months of being on their own, his wife has multiple mental breakdowns, all related to the use of pills and or alcohol. The pills are ones she is prescribed but still have an intoxicating effect, i.e. amphetamines for adhd, tranquilizers and benzos for insomnia, benzos for anxiety. One evening my parents get a call, his wife has taken a bottle of tylenol but texted my brother in time to be found alive. She is admitted to a mental ward for 72 hours. But then of course, he loves her and feels the need to save her, so she comes back home. Weeks later on one fateful night, she proceeds to slit her wrist and smear the blood all over the bathroom and shower curtain, AND HER SON AGE 8 AT THE TIME, finds her laying there!! Of course, she again lives but now my brother is starting to open his eyes. The kids and their mother come and live with us for a year, and my brother gives my parents a power of attorney, because he is being deoyed and his wife not capable of caring for the kids alone. While they are here minor incidents occur, drinking, child shaming, cheating, fighting etc. Still, not enough for my parents to get custody. And there is still hope that she has learned from her mistakes and is finally going to do right.

Once again, brother gets back to states, and the family moves to the next destination. This time it is NY, 19 hours from where our parents live. And again, within one year things spiral out of control because of his wife's drinking and behavior, she and my brother argue and she slits her wrist and proceeds to put a GIANT bandage over it, advertising it for the world but more importantly, for the kids. At this point it has become very aware of how manipulative she is, she always knows exactly how to get my brother to forgive her, sympathise and adore her again. And at this point my parents, the kids grandparents, are beside themselves. They want the kids away from their toxic mother, and want their son to smart up and do what's best for the kids. In another attempt to insure the kids are safe, my parents get in the car in the middle of the night and drive the 19 hours to go get the kids (my brother agreed, he was not fighting them, he did not want them around their mother)

Well, it's time for him to deploy again, and his wife cant stay on post, so she comes and lives with us too. During all these years I have never held any hate toward her, because I am an addict I could see she was struggling, and I always tried to help my parents see it from a different view. But 6 months ago that changed, her and the kids are living with us again, and during this time me and her chat often, hangout on the porch and smoke cigarettes, go get groceries etc. She is sober, or "dry" rather, and tells me of how she does not want to be a wife, she does not want to be a mother, she regularly tried to convince me how my brother is the reason for all the drama and problems. Even hearing all these things, I kept a level head. I know she is manipulative on a level that many would be baffled. Many would not even catch it, that is how good she has got at it. During this stay, she treats one daughter with extreme favoritism. Taking her out everyday, buying her things everyday, joining her into cheer, but she all but disowns her son. Who at this point has been diagnosed with PTSD from all the trauma she has put him through. And the youngest daughter Joy is openly verbal with her grandparents about how unwanted, unloved she feels from her mother. How she only loves April.

Jump to January of 2019, brothers wife goes out and gets intoxicated on alcohol, then comes home and tries to convince me to take her to the airport so she can go home to (another country). Wasnt going to say bye to the kids or anything, just leave. I told her no, you need to go talk to my parents who are letting you live here and own up to what you've just done. After you tell them the truth and tell your kids, if you still want to leave because "you dont want to be a wife or a mom" then I will take you to the airport in the morning. Within 20 minutes, the house turns into a frenzy. She is yelling and slamming doors and telling me and my parents how we are such "pieces of cr**" the kids are scared and crying, my parents get their pillows and blankets and put them in their room with them and out on a movie, while their mom is in their room throwing things all around. She then runs out the door with her car keys and I my dad and my mom run after her, my dad leaps into the car to grab the keys and she bites him, hits him, ultimately he gets the keys. And she wanders off into the night on foot. She returns an hour later and goes to bed.

The next day my parents obviously inform my brother that she is not welcome here anymore, that the kids are stating and she needs to leave. My mom and I end up driving her to a rehab. A 30 day program that is a joke. It is on a beach and coed and only 30 days. She did not even have enough decency to thank my mother for driving her 5 hours away to rehab, when she could have called the cops the night before instead. The plan was for her to go to sober living after the 30 days, and at first my brother seemed diligent about this. But ofcourse, he caves in and she never ends up getting real help. They get stationed 4 hours away, and again move on out, against many rejections from my parents about the idea. My parents are rightfully afraid for the kids safety.

2 WEEKS LATER my parents get a call from my brother saying the kids need to come stay with them again!! He had gone to the store to buy a hose for the new house because his wife was bickering at him to get one, he was gone 15 minutes when his KIDS start blowing up his phone. They are all crying and scared. April is crying and saying they are terrified of mom, please come home, Joy is trembling in fear because her mom had flung her across the room! And even the 13 year old son is upset, scared, because his mom went into his room and just started throwing it apart. My brother gets back asap and gets the kids, takes them to a neighbor that is a friend and calls the cops. The cop comes and doesnt even go inside before he calls for backup because she is out of control. They get her on the ground and handcuffed and she is taken off. Another week in a mental hospital, and my brother has FINALLY stood his ground. She was charge with aggravated assault, child endangerment, battery, etc. He does not call her while she is away, he wants nothing to do with her. Even when she came to get her belongings from the house, he was not at the house to greet her. She moves states away to her own mother's home. They are separated, both dating, the kids are with their grandparents and their dad comes to visit every weekend (he is still I n training during week) during January February and March they had no contact with their mom, and their dad seemed like he was finally going to do right by his kids and keep them safe. But then..

His wife goes back to the beach for 30 days, gets out and convinces him she isn't an addict, that rehab is for people who do hard drugs. That she only drinks occasionally not every day. And somehow convinced him that his parents are targeting her and trying to turn the kids against her, and lord knows what else. JE MOVES HIS WIFE BACK IN!!! and everything has completly flipped again. He was regularly talking to our mom, but has now completly shut her out, and his wife has been texting her daughters and feeding them UNTRUE toxic beliefs, and it shows. The daughters were happy joyous and free until the first week of April, coincidentally the same week he let their mom back in. And now April is acting out. She has begun cutting herself when she doesnt get her way, withdrawing from grandparents, and saying she wants to kill herself. Joy s. Necess to say my parents are seeking custody in full force now, but his wife is a pro at manipulation. She has even gone as far as to tell my parents "your daughter is still using, she has been an active addict since November of 2018, I saw it with my own eyes" . It makes my stomach feel like a wrenching knot hearing her lie on me like that, And it sucks because SHE is an alcoholic, she cant even admit ti herself she has a problem. So ofcourse, the best argument is to say "the kids are living in a house with an active drug addict" even though she knows it is a lie, I know it is a lie, but to everyone else theres no real way to prove it either way.

Time and time again she neglects, abuses, mistreats these kids, and time and time again my brother falls for her con and let's it happen all over again.HOW CAN THEY HELP THEM!? The daughters love their mom, and at times they want to go be with her despite how dangerous it has got. Joy, my 7 year old neice, said this last night "mommy is only bad and hurts me 1 time a year, and she was already bad this year, so it will be okay right now"

HOW CAN MY PARENTS HELP THEIR GRANDCHILDREN!!???
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Re: Brothers Wife is Unstable and Toxic, How Do We Protect The K

Postby Terry E. » Tue May 07, 2019 8:48 am

Read it all.

You need very specific advice but it needs to come from some in the US. I am on other side of the world.

If this does not get traction here I suggest contacting child authorities anonymously to see about your options. Do you know a lawyer as a friend who can give some advice or a sympathetic cop?

Finally some advice for you. With this, there is a term used called resilience. This is a positive factor that has a disproportional positive effect on the child. In these situations very small things that most children would ignore can be huge long term for these kids. A loving aunt or grand parent who the child knows love them unconditionally even though they cannot intervene is huge. So don't think you are throwing sand against the wind. What you are doing may be a very big thing in there lives.
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Re: Brothers Wife is Unstable and Toxic, How Do We Protect The K

Postby realityhere » Tue May 07, 2019 6:22 pm

Terry's advice is sound-- your and your parents' loving presence or contact can make a difference that the kids will remember vividly. It can be a lifeline and connection to something stable for them.

As for what you can do in the meantime, pls make a record of everything the sister-in-law has done, from the rehab records, assault records, to police arrests, etc. Hard copies of any threats via emails, snail mail, text msgs, recordings of phone calls with suicide threats, photos of children's injuries, and so on. So build your evidence file to prove the mother's instability.

You can possibly talk anonymously with childhood services about options but I think without your brother's cooperation, guardianship may not be possible. He's still the kids' father. Only if and when your brother wakes up to the manipulation of his wife and the abuse that the kids have experienced, will he then start listening to what you and the grandparents have said all along. For some reason your brother finds something in his wife that keeps the relationship going, for what it's worth. In the meantime, do what you can to stay in the kids' lives, even if it means staying mum about the mother's behavior. Do it for them, not for her.
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