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I am being haunted (TRIGGER WARNING)

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

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I am being haunted (TRIGGER WARNING)

Postby Johei » Wed Dec 05, 2018 4:04 am

Hi there, I’m a guy who likes both cats AND dogs (yes, we DO exist), major history buff, avid swimmer.
And I am being haunted…
Now before you call the Ghostbusters, it is not the spirits of the dead that are haunting me, it is my mother, her voice, her essence.
Let me explain.

Me: Autism, ADHD, IQ 142, photographic memory, adheres to absolute logic, didn’t know I suffered from autism or ADHD until age 20.

Mom: No diagnosis, IQ ? (Sure nailed nursing school), not a logical bone in her body. Never told me about my autism or ADHD because it didn’t occur to her it might be important to tell me.

Dad: No diagnosis, but definitely autistic, like his father, me, my nephew, the cycle repeats. IQ… Oh brother… Took my sister and me to Mensa to play chess for playdates around age 6 or 7.
He didn’t have too much time for me because he and his chums were getting the European computer programming scene rolling in the 70’s and on.
Also, he rejected me at birth like mammals often do with defective offspring. (I asked him once I became an adult, and he confirmed it. It seemed the logical explanation for his callous attitude towards me)
He had decided to give all his love to my sister instead.
Hurts, but at least it makes sense.
The two of us are alike. I can only love 2 people unconditionally, but I would die for them a thousand times over.
Autism is a very 0/1, No/Yes thing.

Since my father completely ignored me unless forced to intervene in my life, that left my mother in charge of my upbringing.
Now what problem presents itself when you compare her profile to mine?
…Exactly…

I kept running into the same problems over and over, and my mom would say: ‘You have to CHANGE boy!’
So I tried to change, but found I couldn’t without the proper information.
I’d get in trouble at school, and she’d say: ‘Well, just tell them you will do better next time!’
How can I promise that if I don’t know how to?
‘Well, you’re just gonna have to get in there a bit!’
How does that work? What is the point of ‘getting in there’ when you don’t know what you are doing wrong? Explain please!!!10110theserviceyouhaverequestedisnolongerinuse
Mom would then get desperate, and cry out: ‘For God’s sake, you are doing this on purpose to torment us boy, oh (Dad’s name), come help!’
By this point the problem was no longer the problem, the problem was that I had upset my mother.
My dad would come downstairs foaming at the mouth, my mom would walk out of the room crying, leaving me with him.
Dad would then punch me in the gut so I dropped to the floor, then kick me while I was down.
Then he would stand over me and hiss something really mean and demeaning to me. The kind of words that made me feel like it was all my fault, and I deserved it.

Lately, I’ve gotten on better terms with my dad, don’t know if I will ever come TO terms, but mom?


In over 40 years on this Earth, I have never been able to fathom how my mother combines the two sides of her personality. Is she a 0 (Negative), or 1 (Positive)?

A comparison

-Grew up on farm where she learned traditional values
-Cared for animals
-Cared for siblings
-Life-long friends with roommates from nursing school, nailed nursing school.
-Cared for ‘mentally handicapped’
-Married, settled down, life-long friends with ALL women in street she bought first house.
-Cared for elderly
-Bought second home in new town, life-long friends with pretty much every woman in town.
-Cared for terminally ill.
-Volunteered at food bank where everyone adored her
-Friends all over the globe through music society
-Liked by pretty much anyone who ever met her: ‘Nice lady’

BUT

-Thought water looked a little cold when I was washing dishes one day. Turned on tap running piping hot water over my hands.
Me: ‘Aaah, aaah!’
Mom: ‘Will you stop shouting like that, that is very annoying!’

-Opened cabinet door with sharp metal edge while I was crouched under it grabbing something. When I got up, it split my scalp open.
I screamed, and got scolded for shouting and not paying attention.

-5 minutes later when I opened the fridge, I got hit on the (still bleeding) head by a 2 liter glass bottle full of water she had placed on the door.
Screamed again, got scolded.

-Put black garbage bin on black stairs in the dark. When I came down, I stepped in it, tripped, fell down stairs and ended up bruised all over on the tiles below,
Got scolded for being noisy and not looking where I was going.

-Put razor sharp kitchen knife upside down in a pot of utensils, so when I grabbed a cooking spoon, the point went into my wrist millimeters from the main artery.
While patching the gash with band aids, I asked her or she thought it was smart to put that thing in there, business end up, while camouflaged by a lot of other items.
‘Well, off course, we don’t want the tip to go blunt!’

These are just SOME of the dangerous situations she has put me in. She’s always suddenly turning around with a sharp knife or hot frying pan in her hand, throwing doors open into my face, jumping up out of her chair and elbowing me in the groin or gut, etc.
She never remembers any of this later, and always blames me at the time.
She is of the opinion that I am trying to get attention, cause trouble, or should ‘Look what I’m doing’
I am of the opinion that one person shouldn’t turn the house into a deathtrap, forcing other people to run around paranoid, eyes in the back of their head, constantly defusing booby-traps.
The problem is… She was in charge of all the decisions about my life before I came of age.
Up until age 10, mom was the person I loved and trusted most, closely followed by my big sister (Actually quite little, I am twice her size by now)
I even loved my father, though I was deathly afraid of him
By age 10 my intellect had overtaken mom’s, so I could see her ‘Solutions’ to my problems were illogical.
Whenever I tried to tell her this, or present a solution of my own, she would nag, and nag, and nag until she got her way, but my brain would short-circuit because I just couldn’t DO illogical things, knowing they would result in a disaster she would then blame on me.
This trend continues to this day. She still thinks there is nothing wrong with her and that I am a moron, or always making trouble because I like to hurt others, despite getting an average of 98.6% on my final exams when I got my degree, writing novels in 2 languages, and volunteering at a retirement home for years now.

Now for the punch line…
This has gone on for so long that I hear my mother even when she is not physically present.
Whenever something goes wrong, I hear her voice in my head, whining that I’m doing it on purpose.
Every night when I close my eyes, despite living on my own for decades now, I can’t get to sleep because her nagging is on repeat in my head for hours, over and over like a broken record.’
This is usually followed by nightmares filled with rejection, fear, grief and a sense of falling in endless darkness.

I’ve tried therapy, but so far I’ve only run into people who don’t seem to realize how much this situation impairs me.
Last guys I got said: ‘Try not to let it bother you’
Me: ‘Gee, thanks, I hadn’t thought of that. Goodbye’
On a waiting list for therapy again now. My final try.
I don’t know or I can ever get rid of this specter completely, I would be happy if it was just… muffled.

To anyone who has stuck with me all through this story, thank you so much. I don’t know if you can help me, but I had to get this off my chest.

Love and support to everyone else out there suffering,

Johei
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Tue Dec 11, 2018 4:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Added trigger warning; no other changes
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