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Loneliness because of Abuse

Open Discussions About Child Abuse

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Loneliness because of Abuse

Postby Mosaic Butterflies » Fri Oct 26, 2018 11:47 pm

Hello. My name is Stella and I was abused by my mom when I was a kid and a teenager.

My mom did a myriad of things that would count as abusive in nature, but I'm not here to detail each and every thing that she did. If I did that, we would be here all day. What I wanted to talk about specifically, today, was how my mother's abuse affected me socially.

When I was growing up, in elementary school, I thrived socially. I had friends on the playground and in my classes. When I look back on my short life, those were the golden years for me, because I had my own real life. Then came time for middle school, and my mom pulled me out of regular school and decided to home school me. This was because she didn't want me dating any boys (I grew up strictly Muslim) or doing anything crazy in normal school even though I had never been anything but good and responsible. So, at the end of sixth grade, that was when my social life was terminated.

My mother has epilepsy, so she couldn't drive me to other places to do social things. The only people I really interacted with in my home schooling days were family. My female cousins were my go-to contacts, to be specific. I'd have kept in contact with my male cousins too, but they weren't very nice, and anyways my mom would accuse me of wanting to date my cousins anytime I wanted to see them. It was really messed up.

But yeah, so I was only ever able to see my cousins. My mom would let me hang out with other Muslim kids as well, but I had nothing in common with them (and besides, they were all very homophobic), so I didn't hang out with them either. And my mom said I could invite friends over if I wanted to, but... I never did, because at that point I didn't have any real friends aside from my two cousins.

Also, for about four months, when I started home schooling, I got tutored by this Muslim couple who ran a tutoring program out of their house. For some reason that I still don't know, they decided to bully me and tell vicious lies about me. It got to a point where none of the kids at the school would befriend me on account of their parents telling them not to talk to me, and I ended up losing the only Muslim friends that I had (they were friends of the family). The vicious bullying at that school taught me that I can't trust people. Oh, and when I lost my friends, they told their mom all of the secrets that I had ever told them (like about my having a crush on a boy in elementary school) and... I'm not mad at them for that. If they hadn't told my secrets, they would have gotten hit by their own parents. But I am really mad at their mom for telling my mom and, thus, getting me into trouble with my mom for the crime of having a crush.

That experience with the tutoring taught me that you can't trust anyone, especially with things that help you to feel safe and cope. This is why I have major trust issues, and why even today I can't talk to anyone in any real depth. I fear that if I were to do so that they would just leave me and blackmail me. I can form shallow to moderate friendships at best. But getting any deeper than that? Probably not. And forming a meaningful relationship with someone of the opposite sex? That's a joke. Oh, and speaking of which, my mom told me not to be friends with boys after the first grade. Apparently she didn't want me dating them then either, so yeah... I was still friends with them, though, so that's something that didn't really affect my relationships with boys. I just never was able to tell my mom about them, lest she fly off the handle at me.

So yeah... my relationships with other people are now royally messed up. It's not even fair. I should have had as much of a chance at having friends as anyone else. But my mom, for what it's worth, basically isolated me from anyone she did not approve of, and to say that it sucks is an understatement.

These days, I, again, have relationships with other people in school clubs, but it's nothing meaningful really. I'm an acquaintance with my friends at best. I'm only actual friends with a girl I used to work with, but... that's it. I've still only ever been out to Starbucks with other people once, and I've still never invited anyone over to my home (I live with my Catholic grandparents now who will let me befriend who I please). I would invite people over, but I don't know anyone well enough to do that. And besides, I'd probably only be a bore to them. I've never had people over before besides my own cousins, so I wouldn't know what to do. And I've tried earnestly to make friends more deeply than what I currently have, but it's hard. It's really hard. Especially when you haven't made any deep meaningful friendships since you were twelve. I'm twenty two now. It's been a decade and I still haven't recovered from all of this.

To be honest, I'm actually really ashamed of myself for not being able to overcome this hurdle. At this rate, I'll never find anyone to marry and I'm going to die alone with no friends. I wish I could talk to someone about this other than my therapist, but the only other person I can talk to is my brother (who is my current actual best friend), and I probably shouldn't pour all of my emotions onto him.

Sorry if this came out all jumbled up. It's difficult to recount this aspect of my life in a linear and tidy fashion.
Dx: PTSD, Bipolar 2, OSDD-1b

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Stella (22), [Mother] (43), Autumn (22), Diana (25), Alice (15), Aliza (19), Abusive Alter (??), Hurting Alter (??), Kyle (15), Peter (17), Luna (6), Beverly (8), Hungry Child (??), Babushka (??), Baby (??)
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Re: Loneliness because of Abuse

Postby Terry E. » Sat Oct 27, 2018 2:35 am

Not jumbled.
Sounds like your mother was scared of you becoming a strict member of your faith, rather than letting you decide.

As you get older now, you can find your place in life. You need to work at it or you can just be a recluse. It will be harder and you have lost out on some great experiences but if you want it you will find it. Many of us were made social outcasts by our abuse, takes time to find your place, but go about it carefully and gradually and you will find somewhere.

Can I ask if you live with your Catholic grandparents how is your relationship with your mum.
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Re: Loneliness because of Abuse

Postby Mosaic Butterflies » Sat Oct 27, 2018 4:42 am

Terry E. wrote:Not jumbled.
Sounds like your mother was scared of you becoming a strict member of your faith, rather than letting you decide.

As you get older now, you can find your place in life. You need to work at it or you can just be a recluse. It will be harder and you have lost out on some great experiences but if you want it you will find it. Many of us were made social outcasts by our abuse, takes time to find your place, but go about it carefully and gradually and you will find somewhere.

Can I ask if you live with your Catholic grandparents how is your relationship with your mum.


Thank you for the vote of confidence and advice. You're right. If I'm going to ever get any better, I will have to work at this. No use just whining and being sad about it (although those are still very valid emotions to be having at this time).

And it's alright that you asked! Things are good with my grandparents, but as for my mom... I don't really see her anymore. In fact, I haven't seen her in years. That's because she hasn't tried to see me and I'm still too cautious to see her by myself. She's threatened to kill me in the past, and after a court case where we got custody of my brother, I can't be sure that she wouldn't try to kidnap me or kill me out of revenge or something. So yeah, I haven't seen her. But I write letters to her. It takes a very long time (six or seven months sometimes), but my mom writes back after long periods... I'm trying to keep some kind of a relationship with my mom, though, because I do still love her. But things can never go back to the way that they were before, sadly. I just can't trust her not to be hurtful or manipulative, and honestly I don't know if I ever will.
Dx: PTSD, Bipolar 2, OSDD-1b

My System
Stella (22), [Mother] (43), Autumn (22), Diana (25), Alice (15), Aliza (19), Abusive Alter (??), Hurting Alter (??), Kyle (15), Peter (17), Luna (6), Beverly (8), Hungry Child (??), Babushka (??), Baby (??)
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Mosaic Butterflies
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Re: Loneliness because of Abuse

Postby mymothersmike » Thu Nov 01, 2018 12:04 am

I totally get not trusting and loneliness and so just saying you are not alone in this world with that.

I guess what I do is several things.

I try to just fit in.

I have to be very conscious in the way I talk. A habit I had fallen into as a child was to talk too much to others I think because I was so under the thumb at home that if anyone seemed to be willing to talk to me I would monopolise the conversation. Here I am doing it to you btw. :P

I try not to worry about other opionions. If they like Trump, then I nod and smile. If they hate Trump, I nod and smile. People like pople who are like them so I try to be at least not against them.

On the trust thing though that is harder. I think what I do is try not to rely on others. Too many times I have thought someone was going to do something I was relying on and they would not do it and I would feel let down. I also I guess are careful not trust them with my personal thoughts and feelings. Occasionally I will talk with someone if I am feeling down and just dump all my feelings but normally I just try to make chit chat. Also if I share my inner feelings and then find that the person has told someone then I feel let down and I want to avoid that.
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Re: Loneliness because of Abuse

Postby quietgirl2538 » Sat Nov 10, 2018 3:29 pm

@mymothersmike,
On the trust thing though that is harder. I think what I do is try not to rely on others. Too many times I have thought someone was going to do something I was relying on and they would not do it and I would feel let down. I also I guess are careful not trust them with my personal thoughts and feelings. Occasionally I will talk with someone if I am feeling down and just dump all my feelings but normally I just try to make chit chat. Also if I share my inner feelings and then find that the person has told someone then I feel let down and I want to avoid that.


I hold back a lot on trusting with friends, especially one close friend because she has let me down and she can be immature. I go to the therapist or just keep to myself. It really helps that I have this therapist as I don't have friends irl that understand these things about me. Loneliness and abuse in my past life. And how it has affected me and how it still affects me. It feels like I have to hide a lot about myself in order to be accepted by some people.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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